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Psycho Hose Beast

Don't let that half hearted smile fool you, this woman is just a little bit scary and fits into that special category of girlfriends or wives who seem to go off the deep end a little too easily. You might have put sugar in their tea when you weren't supposed to, you might have moved a centre piece off the table or you might have even, oh I don't know, 'accidentally' poured your cup of Bovril on one of their tampons to see what happens and instead of a measured response you have to dive for cover to avoid the barrage of treasured family pictures/heirlooms/members that are being flung directly at your knackers. That all sounds mild when you compare it to this,

Christine Hemming, an MP's wife who was caught on CCTV stealing a kitten from the Birmingham home of a love rival, has been found guilty of burglary. The 53-year-old wife of Liberal Democrat MP John Hemming, was convicted at Birmingham Crown Court after jurors were shown footage of her crawling on her hands and knees underneath a window before sneaking into the home of Emily Cox in Moseley, Birmingham.  She said: 'I had no intention of stealing a cat – either before I went to the property, when I was at the property, when I left the property, and subsequently.' 

What was she even doing at the property? They were separated at the time, the last thing she should want at that point is to see either him or his new girlfriend. Her excuse is that she was there to give her husband some post, but there are ways and means you can go about redirecting your partners mail without physically going around to their new home in person. The only sensible and logical reason I can think of for her being there was to use the fabled Sword of Protection to transform into She-ra and go on a rampage, destroying the house, its contents and her husbands life in the process. But she wouldn't have touched the cat, oh no, she would have had no intention of doing that when she went round there. Terrifying.

Source: metro.co.uk


Giselle Bundchen, as well as being easy on the eyes, is a very savvy business woman. Between 2009–2010 she was the top earning supermodel, earning $25 million. In early 2011 Pantene shampoo sales rose 40% in Latin America after she started representing the product. Basically she can sell anything; this woman could walk into an angry communists conference holding a dirty bomb with 27 seconds left on the timer and still end up running out of the building with a hand full of cash. So you'd think selling a bra wouldn't be a problem for the worlds best supermodel...well it wouldn't be if it weren't for some damn politicians,

Brazil's ministry for women has called for a TV advertisement featuring supermodel Gisele Bundchen in her underwear to be suspended. The ministry has asked the advertising authorities to ban the lingerie ad, which it says "reinforces the erroneous stereotyping of women as sex objects". In the ad, a scantily-clad Ms Bundchen distracts her husband while telling him bad news, such as damaging the car. The advertisement "ignores the progress made in ending sexist practices. It also represents discrimination against women", the ministry said in a statement.

It's a valid point, women are often objectified in adverts and the message in this one is pretty messed up, it basically says, "ladies, you can do anything you want as long as you wear lingerie in front of your man while you break the news to him". I also find it very ironic that Brazil, a nation that has pushed a very sexualised image of itself on the world for the last 50 years, has women politicians (who come across as a mixture of Germaine Greer and Mary Whitehouse) trying to stamp out their countries main selling point. It's cool if that's what they want, we can eliminate all the sexy images of Brazil from adverts, travel brochures, Television programmes, films, the internet, newspapers, radio, billboards, the side of buses, sky writing planes and funny angled adverts on the side of the pitch at sporting events and replace them all with Pele talking about how his penis doesn't work anymore.

Source: BBC

The idiot box strikes again

It's almost redundant pointing out TV's failings because it's all been said before and any informed individual can instantly pick out the gaping flaws in TV's arrogant posturing. If the medium were a person it would be a pompous assuming idiot who most people realise is poorly informed but let him carry on bleating and showing off because they're used to him by now, kind of like what my family do with me.

ITV is well known for providing brilliant examples of all the stereotypical problems major channels create when they go for either a large audience or lowest common denominator. This, however, might top them all,

ITV has apologised after footage it said was from an IRA propaganda video was in fact from a computer game. The pictures were used in "Exposure", a documentary aired on ITV1 on Monday which focused on Colonel Gadaffi's links with the republican movement.

It claimed footage labelled "IRA film 1988" was of terrorists using Libyan weapons to shoot down the aircraft. The pictures were from a game called ArmA 2. ITV has said the mistake was "an unfortunate result of human error".

Let me tell you something, for ITV to use the phrase "an unfortunate result of human error" is tantamount to Charles Manson justifying his killings by saying "I am completely banana's"; everyone knows it's the truth but to hear him admit it is almost epoch-making. Major networks NEVER admit to human errors in such a manner, I hope I'm wrong, but I get the feeling this is code for "The reseachers responsible for this have been privately humiliated, then sacked, then blacklisted". I wonder if doing poor research has any transferable skills condusive to starting a career in the fastfood industry?

Source: BBC

Get off my land!

Farming is a very difficult industry to be successful in; prices for your produce are always fluctuating, DEFRA'S always hassling you about your hedges not being the correct shape or something and you have to withstand the insults of random city folk who think you are backwards and inbred. Most farmers aren't 6 fingered banjo playing hicks though, just hardworking people who have their own standards which are normally straightforward and understandable given their situation. But this guy...well,

A farmer who allowed one of the world's best-selling pop stars to film in his grain field told her to cover up after she stripped down for a video. DUP Alderman Alan Graham said he was fetching his tractor when he saw her and thought it was unacceptable. The 'Rude Boy' star was filming a new pop video in his Bangor field. "I thought it was inappropriate. I requested them to stop and they did," he explained.

"From my point of view, it was my land, I have an ethos and I felt it was inappropriate. "I wish no ill will against Rihanna and her friends. Perhaps they could acquaint themselves with a greater God," he said.

A greater God?! Who does this guy think he is? Rihanna isn't some hell bound uber bitch she's a nice girl who happens to make slightly saucy videos. If you look at the picture above you can see the general theme of the video; its not like she's rhythmically grinding against a pitch fork while punching a cow in the face, it's all pretty mild. It's stuff like this which is why people take the piss out of farmers in the first place. Also, as you can clearly tell from the picture above, Guy Ritchie has started using Shaun Ryder as his director of photography which is good of him.

Source: BBC

The Perpetual Traveller

Well, I'm off on a short break again so the postings on here will be a little more sparse than my usual snails pace (think along the lines of a slightly obese and asthmatic snail). The upside is I get to indulge in my first love; sitting still in a confining train seat surrounded by strangers who are either too loud or smelly to interact with.

The upshot of this is I may encounter some more selfish passengers which means I might be able to do some more 'Inconsiderate Travellers' bits. Of course my cynicism might be misplaced and every single one of the people who sits around me on my near 6 hour journey could be considerate, well bathed and make phone calls at a reasonable volume, it could happen...it's not going to though is it. Damn trains.

Conan the Autobiographer

I don't think there is a celebrity alive that hasn't released a tome dedicated to their (almost) achievements. Charlotte Church 'wrote' her first autobiography at 14 years old, Katie Price has released 3 and Chris Moyles has written 2. Even Callum Best found time between catching venereal diseases to (get a ghost writer to) commit his life to paper. But not the most financially successful actor of the 1980's, oh no, he's waited until he's jobless, newly divorced and not being filmed with a tiny spliff in his hand to write his. Lets see how much his publicist tries to overhype this shall we!

Hollywood star-turned-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger is to write his memoirs, his New York publisher has confirmed. Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story will offer "a larger-than-life portrait" of the Terminator star, said publisher Simon & Schuster. "Truly, Arnold is one of the most fascinating figures of our time, and one of the greatest success stories in the world," said Jonathan Karp.

"...one of the greatest success stories in the world" Isn't actually that much of an exaggeration since this dude came from, if not poverty, a pretty tough upbringing (his father thought Arnie wasn't his son and the financial highlight of his early family life back in Austria was the purchase of a fridge) to the dizzying heights of the greatest body builder ever, the most successful action film star of all time and the most high profile Governor in American political history.

On the flip side he has been called a bully, a misogynist and a bloody nightmare on film sets so this book could go one of two ways; it could be 100% honest and refreshingly open or it could be an exercise in massaging an already massive ego. Either way get used to seeing that face more often when he's finished writing 2000 pages where every chapter ends with "and then I pumped some iron and everything made sense again".

Source: BBC

What powers does a book have exactly?!

First of all that isn't Karl Marx or Tom Baker playing Rasputin, it's brummy genius Alan Moore. He wrote Watchmen (widely considered the greatest graphic novel ever written and listed in Time magazine's 'Top 100 Books of All Time'), V for Vendetta, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, From Hell, Promethea, Batman: The Killing Joke and Swamp Thing. He is also credited (along with Frank Miller, Neil Gaiman, Mark Millar and Grant Morrison) with rewriting the rules of the comic book industry which helped launch it to new heights, bring it critical acclaim and turn it into the source of several multi billion pound film franchises (It's also worth noting that graphic novels are one of the few sections in the print media showing signs of growth). He, according to The Guardian, is the 93rd most influential person in the book world,

Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon, has been named the most powerful person in the book industry in a Guardian list published today showcasing the most influential people of the moment.

The founder of Amazon tops the Book Power 100 list with J.K Rowling following in second place. The Harry Potter author beat Larry page, CEO of Google, and James Daunt and Alexander Mamut of bookshop giant Waterstones to secure the second place and consequently is the top author placed in the list.

It is only fair that the top 10 includes J.K. Rowling and Jeff Bezos because they have a massive influence on the industry and, more over, the world around them, but Nigella Lawson at number 56, Mariella Frostrup at number 34 and Jamie Oliver at number fucking 8? Come on! To quote Moore's greatest creation Rorschach, "Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long." Just like this bloody list then.

Source: guardian.co.uk

Mmmm! Yummy Chocolate Plague!

When I go off to work in the morning I secretly hope that the world goes a bit banana's in my absence. My dream scenario is to come home to stories of gorillas adopting kittens, a rich moron trying to make his own Knight Rider car and easy listening icon James Taylor covering a Sepultura song in a polytunnel full of confused woodpeckers. Unfortunately none of those things happened today, in fact pretty much nothing interesting has happened today, well apart from Palestine trying to join the UN, but that didn't involve monkeys or Vikings invading the General Assembly so forget you potentially historic moment. Thankfully The Sun is also having a slow day and published this cracking little puff piece (although I could do without the pop culture pandering headline "Foodstuff Fails" thank you very much),

SOMEONE'S made a right meal of these freaky foods – as weird labelling spells trouble. Bungling translations have transformed regional specialities from around the world into dishes you'd rather dodge. In the Far East a product on shop shelves isn't very kid friendly as packaging sees it described as: 'CHILD SHREDDED MEAT'

There is another Saudi delicacy which, along with some pretty horrendous spelling mistakes, says that it contains (and I quote), "a lot of herpes which gives it's special flavor" The surprising thing is that the dish actually does look delicious, as do those plague ravaged chocolates. It would make a great headstone after I was finished, "died eating a main course of Herpes followed by a desert of plague" which would make it the fourth best headstone ever behind Spike Milligan's "I told you I was ill", George Carlin's "#$%& @!&% #?!$% @?*&!@^#!* @*$! &!%?" and Jack Lemmon's "Jack Lemmon in..." which might be the wittiest thing anyone has ever had the foresight to put into their will.

Source: thesun.co.uk

The wheels on the bus go...SHIT!!!

I've never done the whole school bus thing, I've gone on minibus trips to Iron Bridge and Snowdonia but that doesn't count because I usually vomited so much on those trips that I have blanked them from my memory. I imagine its fun on a school bus though; slagging off Justin Bieber, swearing at early morning commuters, and quickly writing out my last will and testament as I hurtled towards my doom...wait what?

A headmaster said 50 students had a 'lucky escape' after a double-decker bus crashed into the underside of a bridge on its way to a sixth form college in Darlington, County Durham. The impact ripped off the roof of the school bus, but all the pupils were safely removed from the vehicle. 

The bus was thought to be carrying around 50 students, and up to 12 people - including the driver - were taken to a local hospital with injuries, none of which were thought to be serious. Queen Elizabeth Sixth Form College principal Tim Fisher said: 'This has been a lucky escape.'

Look at that thing, yellow with 'SCHOOL BUS' plastered all over the side, it's actually a good thing this happened. Now they can get something a little less conspicuous to transport the kids around in like the mystery wagon, the bat mobile or a pink stretched hummer that plays 'La Cucaracha' every time you use the horn.

Source: metro.co.uk

No 'Stairway'? Denied!

First of all I chose that picture of Adele as a kind of reality check; it's hypocritical to talk about having a 'real' body shape in public and then allow yourself to be Photoshopped into oblivion on the cover of magazines that only want to leech off of your success. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against her, in fact I feel a little sorry for her because it won't be long before she starts getting the usual "overexposed star gets knocked down by the same media outlets that built her up" treatment that every British celebrity gets after their initial meteoric rise to international fame. Unfortunately it looks like the backlash might be starting already,

Adele has recently become the first artist in UK music history to hit three million sales of an album in one calendar year. Her song "Someone Like You" has also set a further record after becoming the first song to sell over a million copies in the UK this decade. However, it seems its popularity is causing a headache for some.

One Dublin music shop, Opus II, is banning the tune from being played by those trying out its keyboards. Assistant manager Joanna Corscadden said: "It is a very popular song, and it gets played over and over again. "You get sick of songs when you hear them so often. "So after hearing the same song played about four to five times in about half an hour, one staff member put up a sign stating 'strictly no Adele'."

I can totally relate to this as I'm sure you can to. Nearly everyone has worked in a place where a song or playlist has slowly driven them mad. I briefly temped in an office where the staff were completely obsessed with that song 'Bad Day' by one hit wonder Daniel Powter and all of them had it as their ringtone. It doesn't sound so bad until you realise there were 30 of them and they were all sales people so their mobiles were constantly ringing...that song haunted my nightmares for months after that. I can still hear it playing really loudly only to be followed by confusing sales speak about the price of bulk lots of midget flanges. I almost cry when I recall that nightmarish period in my life. Screw you Daniel Powter you beanie hat wearing poser.

Source: BBC

What a cheerful debut

The cast and crew of Two and a Half Men have had it tough recently; whether it was Charlie Sheen slagging off the creator, Charlie Sheen demanding obscene amounts of money to come back or Charlie Sheen getting fired for alledgedly going on a massive drug fuelled bender they've been getting it from all angles (well, from Charlie Sheen anyway). So when the ratings for the first episode of the new season came in they must have been both relieved and pleased,

Almost 29 million people watched the much-anticipated season opener on Monday, which gained the highest ratings in the show's eight-series history, The Nielsen Co has reported. Producers had refused to reveal how they would kill off Sheen, 46, and introduce Kutcher.

But all was revealed when the show's re-launch opened with Sheen's wayward character Charlie Harper's funeral after he was hit by a subway train in Paris and killed. Meanwhile, 33-year-old Kutcher appeared as internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who had attempted suicide over a failed relationship

The reviews of the show were also positive which bodes well because it's been a very long time since this show was genuinely funny. I totally understand why it's been massively popular for so long: it featured a big name Hollywood actor sending himself up and worked its way into a lot of peoples hearts, people who kept on watching because it felt familiar and comfortable. It's the exact same reason M*A*S*H, Friends and Scrubs lasted for more than 8 years and why The Simpsons wasn't cancelled during its 5 year creative slump. Let's just hope the tone picks up from here, I mean a funeral followed by a naked hobo billionaire attempting suicide? All they needed to do was follow that up with a 9/11 joke and they'd have had the most miserable opening to a comedy series ever. Except Joey, dear god that sucked.

Source: metro.co.uk

I'm back!

So after buying a new hard drive, swearing off computers for a few hours and putting my fist through several walls I'm back online and working in a totally new way. What new way? Well to put it simply I use Adobe Dreamweaver, which might be the most overly complicated way of doing a simple thing in history; the help tab is hopeless and online user based introductory video 'tutorials' often use techy speak instead of plain English and aren't as basic as they claim to be.

A very long time ago I studied multimedia for 2 years and learnt everything there was to know about Dreamweaver, but as I said that was a long time ago and in between new knowledge (how to use a washing machine, jogging can get tiring, there is no Keyser soze etc) pushed the old stuff out of my head, it's a wonder I can still drive really.

Since I started this site all I've wanted to do was layer text over the top of a background image, sounds easy doesn't it, just look for the layer button. Only they aren't called layers in Dreamweaver, they're called AP Div's for some stupid reason, and after months of searching I've finally figured out how to use the damn things.

So here's to the future where I write more, update faster and actually buy myself an external hard drive so this never happens again...for at least 6 months anyway.

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