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Sofia Vergara won Halloween

In case you don't know Sofia Vergara is the smoking hot star of the multi-Emmy winning TV show The Modern Family, she also regularly poses for mens magazines usually in a bikini or other super revealing outfit. And while most celebrities use Halloween as an excuse to dress like a slutty zombie/slutty ghost/slutty Poison Ivy, Sofia showed that she has a good sense of humour by dressing up as a bird from Angry Birds. Just Brilliant!

 

Night Watch

Apart from Christmas, my birthday and the day Wrestlemania is broadcast the day the clocks go back might be my favourite day of the year. Is it because we are properly adjusted and prepared for the winter? No! It's the extra hour in bed. That guilty pleasure of knowing you can have a sneaky lie-in even on a work day. Unless you're Russian that is,

Russia has not put its clocks back for winter this year, after President Dmitry Medvedev decided the country would stay permanently in summertime.

Mr Medvedev announced his decision in March, saying it was in order to relieve the stress of changing clocks. Officials at the time talked about an annual increase in suicides.

It means that this winter in Russia the mornings will be darker for longer, but there will be more daylight in the afternoons.

Stress of changing clocks? Are all Russian clocks guarded by machine gun turrets or something? Because that would be stressful. And as for a leap in suicides that's totally understandable in winter time when you take into consideration the change in the amount of daylight, but holding the clocks in summer time is a totally empty and pointless gesture. Also isn't this the kind of wacky, out there thing that smaller countries leaders do for fun but surely Mr. Medvedev has got bigger fish to fry, like sending more of those cool Russian hats over here for me to wear. Hop to it Dmitry.

Source: BBC

 

Beavers damned

Awww! Look how cute they are! Fuzzy wuzzy little beavers eating wood, splashing their giant tails and being made the punch line of the funniest joke in The Naked Gun film. Not only that but they are Canada's national emblem, which cements their status as the cutest rat on the face of earth. Well, almost,

The beaver is no longer fit to be Canada's national emblem, and should be replaced with the polar bear, a Conservative senator says. In a statement to the Senate, Senator Nicole Eaton said the beaver was an outdated symbol, and a destructive rodent.

The polar bear - with its "strength, courage, resourcefulness and dignity" - would be a better fit, she argued. "Many accuse the dentally defective rat of being a nuisance that wreaks havoc on farmlands, roads, lakes, streams and tree plantations," she said, adding that a country's symbols can "change over time". "It is high time that the beaver step aside as a Canadian emblem or, at the least, share the honour with the stately polar bear."

Holy shit, how big are these beavers? If they are wreaking havoc on farmland, roads and tree plantations it might be time to call in Godzilla and Mothra to sort this out. Also, how can a wild animal have dignity? Does it turn its nose up at major brand names and big supermarkets in favour of buying local to support its community? No of course it doesn't. All polar bears know is killing, eating, sleeping and looking cute in overly pushy charity adverts, I don't have any money to give you Mr. P Bear, do you understand? It's a recession for god sake.

Source: BBC

 

I bloody knew it!

I've written at length about George Lucas on here before (by the way, the term 'at length' for me means it took me half an hour to write about him because I was distracted by The Big Bang Theory on E4) and I really didn't feel the need to pan the dude any more than I already have, after all he is responsible for Star Wars which has had a profound effect on my life. So it pains me to do this, but I have to: according to Steve Spielberg he's also responsible for the 'Aliens at the end of Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' cock up,

“…I sympathise with people who didn’t like the MacGuffin because I never liked the MacGuffin. George and I had big arguments about the MacGuffin. I didn’t want these things to be either aliens or inter-dimensional beings. But I am loyal to my best friend. When he writes a story he believes in - even if I don’t believe in it - I’m going to shoot the movie the way George envisaged it. I’ll add my own touches, I’ll bring my own cast in, I’ll shoot the way I want to shoot it, but I will always defer to George as the storyteller of the Indy series. I will never fight him on that.”

If you're a bit confused by all this Macguffin talk here's Alfred Hitchcock (the utter genius that popularised the term) explaining its meaning in a lecture given way back in 1939 at Columbia University, "[We] have a name in the studio, and we call it the 'MacGuffin'. It is the mechanical element that usually crops up in any story. In crook stories it is almost always the necklace and in spy stories it is most always the papers" So a Macguffin is, in essence, the thing the film initially revolves around; it kick starts the story and draws in the audience so that they may appreciate the other elements of the narrative, characters and other parts of the films universe. It's a simple concept really, and it's also easy to see why Hitchcock is considered such a genius given that his explanation makes perfect sense some 80 years on.

Now here's George Lucas' interpretation of R2-D2's role in the first Star Wars film,  "[He is] the main driving force of the movie ... what you say in the movie business is the MacGuffin ... the object of everybody's search." That Lucas quote is the crux of the problem; In TV interviews, Hitchcock defined a MacGuffin as the thing around which the plot revolves, but, as to what that object specifically is, he declared, "the audience don't care". Lucas, on the other hand, believes that the MacGuffin should be powerful and that "the audience should care about it almost as much as the dueling heroes and villains on-screen". This is why The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucked, this is why the recent Star Wars stuff has, by and large, sucked: George Lucas cares more about the Macguffin than developing characters/focussing on plot structure/stylising his film properly. So there you have it, done and dusted...and this is the last time I'm ever slagging him off because all of this is outweighed by my love of the original trilogies of Star Wars and Indy. Thanks George.

Source: The totally awesome wwtdd.com

 

Take that Big Brother!

China rules. The food is awesome, the action films are brilliant and they will one day rule the world with an iron socialist fist so by doing this I'm kissing up to them early (and obeying the comedy rule of three). But one thing you don't think of when you think of China is good quality television, but that could change soon because the quality is about to go up (or down depending on your point of view and IQ) because the state has put a partial ban on Reality TV Shows,

China is to clamp down on the number of entertainment shows broadcast on satellite television channels in a bid to boost public morality. Authorities are concerned at the "vulgar tendencies" of light entertainment shows, particularly reality TV, dating and talk shows.

From next year, satellite channels will each be permitted to screen only two programmes of this type a week. Networks will be required to promote "socialist core values" instead.

Yes! These freedom hating Chinese bureaucrats have got it right! Dating shows and reality TV shows often do cross lines of taste and decency but, to be quite honest, the biggest problem I have with them is that I find nearly all of them boring as hell and utterly devoid of any potential entertainment value. If you can make a case for 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' being more entertaining than watching Jackie Chan read Das Kapital for 5 hours in a studio that is kitted out to look like a blank, grey office filled with gun totting soldiers and giant pictures of Mao I'd love to hear it. Just think about the potential of that show for a second. It would be like Jackanory only more fun.

Source: BBC

 

I'm off

Big name actors are a lucky breed; once they get a bit of critical acclaim producers and directors start falling over themselves to offer them work. If these people are lucky they might get offered the type of role that can lead to a continued presence at a high level for years, and they become so powerful as a result they can call the shots as to when their term in the role comes to an end. Matt Smith may have just made that call,

Matt Smith has said that he is eager to establish himself in Hollywood, throwing his future in Doctor Who in doubt.

The actor has suggested that he may try out for acting roles in Los Angeles once filming on the next series of the long-running BBC show is complete.

He told VH1: "I've got another year of Doctor Who, but then I'm certainly going to come and give it a shot. [I'd like to] come and hang out in LA." Smith had told the Radio Times in August that he was unsure when he would quit the sci-fi series, saying at the time: "There's no break from [the show]. It's a conveyor belt of things to do but it does get lighter. That said, I'm being creative and challenged and, you gotta pay the bills."

He wants to hang out in LA? You don't go to LA to hang out, you go out there to work. The last person to just hang out in LA was Lindsay Lohan (who is still hanging out, waiting for her latest slap on the wrist). If he goes out there to work he could be as big as previous actors who portrayed Doctor Who that quit the high paying, beloved role for a shot at stardom. Such internationally renowned A-listers as Christopher Eccleston, Sylvester McCoy and the most successful of them all Paul McGann. Still at least one good thing will come of this, we will finally get the chance to see the person who was born to play the Doctor in the role: Keanu Reeves.

Source: gigwise.com

 

It's just an illusion

Sorry for the 2 day break, I have once again resorted to using trains to travel long distances and quickly found out that seat reservations don't mean squat when the onboard computer fails. Apparently when that happens the train is allowed to descend into a form of seating marshall law; anything goes, sit wherever you want and laugh at people with valid tickets. But it looks like I'm not the only one making last minute travel plans according to this story, only mine are real and not part of an elaborate ruse,

SEETHING X Factor judge Kelly Rowland was AWOL last night — after jetting back to the USA.

The Destiny's Child star, 30, deserted her acts — including hot favourite Misha B — after her TV bust-up with fellow judge Tulisa Contostavlos, 23. A worried ITV1 source admitted yesterday: "We don't know where she is."

Show sources accused her of leaving the wannabes she is supposed to be mentoring "in the lurch" after throwing her toys out of the pram. Her flight home came hours after Sunday's tense show — in which she refused to speak to fellow judge Tulisa Contostavlos or even LOOK at the N-Dubz star.

Remember what happened with the brand new American version of the X-Factor? It started with a whimper and was panned by the critics, then, within a matter of days, stories started being printed about Steve Jones manwhoring himself around LA (in full view of the paps) and 'storming' off during an interview with a friend of his (Piers Morgan). As a result of the added press attention the shows ratings stopped plummeting and levelled off. Now we have this, a member of the UK judging panel (who is generally regarded as a nice person) does a Lord Lucan because of a girly spat.

If I were a cynic I'd say that this had everything to do with the show being thrashed by Dancing With The Stars and conformed to Simon Cowell's set pattern of attempting to boost ratings by having his judges behave like children (like Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne chucking water at each other). But for once I'm going to stop being a cynic and behave like someone who takes things printed in the press as absolute 100% fact...my god, this is seems like a horrific yet entertaining turn of events. What will happen in next weeks exciting episode of the X-Factor? Will Kelly return? Will Tulissa piss someone else off? Will Elliot Ness find Capone's secret stash of prohibited booze and finally crack the liquor smuggling ring? You'll just have to tune in to find out! Excelsior!

Source: thesun.co.uk

 

Steven Spielberg just wet himself

It's been an annoying day so far; someone has illegally blocked my drive for the second night in a row (this happens a lot because my neighbors are inconsiderate arseholes) and Google Chrome is being its usual useless self by being super-fast at not working properly. Thankfully, this put a smile back on my face...but that made my crows feet worse which made me sad again :(

COULD this picture taken in the Amazon rainforest be the clearest proof yet that aliens exist? The snap - taken from a video filmed by two British tourists - appears to show a small alien-like creature arching its back as it stands next to a tree in the Amazon jungle.

In the corner of the picture is a bright flash of light which is thought to be connected to the alien's presence. The video - snapped up by Hollywood producers for a film - was obtained by noted paranormal writer Michael Cohen and is believed to have been filmed by two British tourists visiting the Mamaus region of the Amazon jungle.

Yeah, sure, it's an alien, in the fucking rainforest! Why do we never see them walking around Costa ordering a latte of something? You know why? Because that isn't an alien, it doesn't move throughout the whole video. Unless E.T. is taking a pee this is as fake as the laughter of an occasional friend. It's no surprise that Michael Cohen has bought the footage; this guy is going to make so much money out of this snippet he could stop the demolition of the rainforest by putting little fake aliens everywhere to scare off the loggers.

Source: thesun.co.uk

 

How many Pugs were killed to create this?

Fact: Animal paw/hoof/claw slippers are cool. Whether you're 8 years old or 8 and 1/2 years old, these things are the feet warmers for you. If you're older than that and still wearing them though I have a sneaking suspicion you live alone in a house full of cats and spend hours loudly arguing with yourself in the middle of Marks and Spencers. So what is the strangest part of this story? The fact that these slippers are huge or the fact that he is still wearing them at 27?

Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’. The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws. 

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long. The British-based company blamed a translation error by its Hong Kong factory that led to a mix-up with a decimal point. Mr Boddingham said: ‘It was sent directly from Hong Kong and measures the same length as a grizzly bear or a family car.'

What an odd point of reference! A family car? It's not that bloody big! How does this guy give directions? "Hey buddy, how far is it to the train station?", "oh not far, it's only the same distance as 19 dead giant squids laid out end to end." This isn't that disastrous though, he could actually make some money from it; move the slipper to an empty space in Central London, install a toilet and he could rent it out for £500 a week.

Source: metro.co.uk

 

This is going to be a film?!

Screenwriter William Goldman coined the now classic saying "Nobody knows nothing" in his autobiography. He was using it in reference to Hollywood and the film industry in general which, after nearly 100 years of existence at that point, still didn't have a clue on how to make a sure fire hit film. Sometimes good films bomb (Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, Waterworld, Bladerunner, Citizen Kane, The Shawshank Redemption) and sometimes long shots become hits (Planet of the Apes 1968, The Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity, M*A*S*H, Star Wars), it's virtually impossible to predict.

This might explain why Hollywood has become obsessed with sequels, reboots and films based on games and toys like G.I. Joe, Real Steel and now, amazingly, Angry Birds,

The company behind Angry Birds has confirmed work is underway on a film version of the successful game.

Rovio's North American general manager Andrew Stalbow said they were working hard on the movie. "We recently hired David Maisel, former Chairman of Marvel Studios who produced Iron Man, to lead our movie efforts," he said in San Francisco.

He also revealed the game had been downloaded 400 million times and that they had big expansion plans. "We're building a next generation media company," he said.

WTF, this? This is being made into a film yet the story of The Dynamite Kid, one of the greatest and most controversial wrestlers in history is just sitting there waiting to be bought by a studio and made into a film starring Tom Hardy. Don't get me wrong I love Angry Birds...as a game, but I also loved Super Mario Bros, Mortal Kombat and Tomb Raider as games, and look what happened with them. Please Rovio, shelve the plans for world domination and concentrate on making games about birds hurling themselves at mutant pigs while making Monty Pythonesque noises. You'd be making a far more important contribution to society as a whole just like Jenner or Einstein or Peter Molyneux.

Source: BBC

 

This was a smart decision

Look at George: relaxing there in front of an oddly shaped pool, wearing a suit, looking all suave and sophisticated. He's even shooting you the 'come hither' look that he used to seduce the goddess that is Stacy Kiebler (that and the fact she will get an increased profile by being seen on his arm), he seems like a good candidate for a political career, right? Well probably not when you way up the pros and cons, just as he has done apparently,

George Clooney, whose new film The Ides of March has its UK premiere later, has said he has no plans to enter politics.

However, the Hollywood star said he would continue to be involved on the sidelines.

Clooney, 50, admitted that getting involved in political issues sometimes made him "very unpopular".

Yeah, no shit it's sometimes made him unpopular. There was a time when he had the honour of playing a gay dog in South Park due to his acquaintance with Trey Parker and Matt Stone, but that was in the late 90's when he was just another actor on the verge of becoming an A-lister. Nowadays they have ripped George a new one on numerous occasions, like all of 'Team America: World Police' and the episode of South Park where his Oscar acceptance speech creates a deadly gas cloud made up of 'Smug'. But Parker and Stone's character assassinations would be nothing compared to the sharks that populate political waters; any minor indiscretions or hidden secrets would be blown up and used as tools to discredit him and his policies, and that is probably the exact reason he has decided against going into politics. Wise man.

Source: BBC

 

Facebook is messing with your head, literally.

Muherga mafunang, majenger mahurnnen. Didn't understand that did you? Don't worry, I'm only trying to get a new language going because according to scientists who, yet again, should be focusing more on curing stuff or getting us into space colonising worlds, social networks are taking on a very important part of our ongoing evolution,

Social network sites may be changing people's brains as well as their social life, research suggests. Brain scans show a direct link between the number of Facebook friends a person has and the size of certain parts of their brain.

It's not clear whether using social networks boosts grey matter or if those with certain brain structures are good at making friends, say researchers. The regions involved have roles in social interaction, memory and autism.

This actually makes sense; I have the worst memory in the world (I wake up covered in tattoos reminding me who I am and clues to the identity of a murderer I'm tracking like Guy Pearce in 'Momento') and I hate socialising! Maybe if I start talking to random people on the train/in the street my brain will swell to gigantic proportions and I'll be able to leap ahead in human evolution and gain X-Men style powers. In fact that might be my opening statement to them. That's how people socialise right?

Source: BBC

 

Richard Branson erm...bounced back well

It's been just over two months since Richard Bransons holiday mansion/giant lightening rod caught fire and burned to the ground. It could have been a far more tragic event if not for the adrenalin fuelled rescue mission mounted by Kate 'I'll save you, Mummy Branson' Winslet. Most people would be pretty affected by this, after all it would take normal people years to rebuild their lives after such a devastating event. But, then again, most normal people aren't smiley billionaires with a penchant for flipping the middle finger at the Grim Reaper whenever they feel like it.

Welcome to the world's first spaceport! Richard Branson opens a $209m terminal where tourists will blast into orbit. It is the luxury terminal where wealthy tourists will blast into orbit for $200,000 per return trip. And Virigin's new space terminal in the New Mexico desert looked suitably futuristic as it was unveiled yesterday. 

The building will house Virgin Galactic's spacecraft, mission control and a preparation area for travellers when flights begin sometime after the end of 2012. With his usual flair, British billionaire Richard Branson rappelled from a balcony, shook up a big bottle of champagne and took a swig while christening the building.

Warning: DO NOT try this at home! I know what you're thinking, "Hey! I've got a balcony atop my 200 foot tall, glass fronted spaceport. I'll tether myself to it and jump off into the glaring desert sun while drinking vintage champagne that will ruin my balance and dehydrate me further. That's a great way to spend an afternoon!" No it isn't you fool! Only Richard Branson could do something like this and not come off looking like an out of control maniac. He's the very embodiment of a thrill seeking silver surfer with ADHD who will probably be remembered more for his stunts than his business triumphs and failures (anyone remember Virgin Cola?! It was like cold, fizzy tar).

Having said that, when he does finally shuffle loose his mortal coil and people do remember him as that, they will do so with a smile on their face. Oh Branson, you were a crazy bastard! One last thing, I had to correct the spelling from the Mail article I sourced more than once. I guess slagging off teenagers and denigrating foreigners doesn't improve your grammar beyond that of an idiot with a PC and a copy of Dreamweaver.

Source: thedailymail.co.uk

 

Spock is Gay

Zachery Quinto is a very talented actor, a snappy dresser, and a damned handsome chap (especially in fake glasses). He also seemed to be quite the ladies man judging by the flirtatious behavior he displayed in the behind the scenes footage on the Star Trek DVD; he was straddling the Captains chair with Zoe Saldana in a way that only genius playboys and gay guys could get away with. I assumed he was a genius playboy and, as a result, made an ASS out of U and ME.

THE actor who starred as Spock in the latest big-screen version of Star Trek has come out as gay. Zachary Quinto, who has always refused to discuss his sexuality, revealed he is homosexual in a magazine interview.

The 34-year-old, discussing his role in a play set against the 80s AIDS epidemic, told New York Magazine: "As a gay man, it made me feel there's still so many things that need to be looked at and addressed."

Despite never having explicitly addressed questions about his sexual orientation the actor has played a number of gay characters during his career, including the dead owner of a haunted house on series American Horror Story.

For me this is not as shocking as the outing of Rock Hudson but far more of a surprise than George Michael, Liberace or Freddie Mercury. Unfortunately, as the article notes, Mr. Quinto has been the focus of speculation for years, which really shouldn't happen in this day and age but does. Like the rumor about a Hollywood A-lister who pretends to be a philanderer to hide his homosexuality. If you look at the gossip it's clearly been engineered to point to one person and one person only; Charlie Sheen. Oh no wait, that guy loves hookers more than blow and talking about himself, never mind.

Source: thesun.co.uk

 

It's like an episode of 24

I'd love to be an American Secret Service Agent because you get to dress in a sharp suit, wear a cool ear piece and hide behind a pair of sunglasses that are so scary they make you look like you could stop time itself with a click of your fingers. You can also abuse your power to the point of creating an international incident,

SCARED secret service agents protecting Michelle Obama ordered a Royal Navy ship to turn its missiles round – because they were pointing at her BEDROOM. The burly bodyguards feared the guns could be fired at the Table Bay Hotel in Cape Town, South Africa where the First Lady and her children were staying.

But agents protecting Mrs Obama, 47, on a visit to the city were spooked by the ceremonial Sea Dart weapons on show. A source said the agents told sailors: "You can't point those guns at the First Lady."

A Royal Navy spokesman said: "The ship was at Procedure Alpha because she was carrying out a repatriation. This involved the drill missiles being on their launcher. American officials did visit the ship. They simply wanted to know if the missiles were live. When it was explained that they were drill rounds they went away content."

Brilliant, we're about the only nation in the world that wants to be in a relationship with them and we get the old "are you texting your ex?" treatment. Thanks a bunch America, you paranoid slapper. Besides why would we want to hurt Michelle Obama? She's smart, demure, classy and the sexiest giant in the world, yeah, that's right former Attorney General Janet Reno, you've fallen down the rankings, deal with it.

Source: thesun.co.uk

 

 

 

I'm Sowwy :(

This true gent here is Christopher Chaney (no relation to Dick...unfortunately) the charming human being who's been hacking peoples private PC's in Hollywood for months now. And, after months of chasing, the FBI have finally caught him and it's payback time because the rule in America is: if you make the police run they're bringing an ass kicking with them.

A Florida man has apologised for hacking into the private emails and personal accounts of Hollywood celebrities. Christopher Chaney, 35, of Jacksonville, was arrested and charged on Wednesday following a year-long FBI investigation.

He said he was "addicted to seeing behind the scenes". Some of the images he found, including a nude photograph of Scarlett Johansson, appeared on the internet. Christopher Chaney faces 26 separate charges of accessing and damaging computers, identity theft and wiretapping.

He faces up to 121 years in prison if found guilty on all charges.

First thing's first, look at this guy! Looking like that he must be very lonely, all he needs is a little love! So to find it he simply violated peoples privacy and sold their most sensitive information to the highest bidder, that's a form of love right? Oh no wait it's a felony. But 121 years?! That's insanely harsh! What do you get for littering over there 11 years in Federal prison?

You see this is where cruel and unusual punishments should be used. Like maybe forcing him to follow Scarlett Johannson around everywhere she goes wearing only a potato sack poncho. He could complete the theme by uttering the phrase "Yes Master!" whenever she asks for her handbag that he's constantly carrying above his head due to the hunched angle he's legally obliged to walk at. Yeah that works.

Source: BBC

 

Seth McFarlane is honest and correct

Seth Mcfarlane (seen here doing his impression of The Moon in A Trip To The Moon) is a funny, talented and all around nice guy...most of the time. The shows he's created are very good (except Season 1 of American Dad, Seasons 6 and 7 of Family Guy and the entire run of The Cleveland Show) but often lower themselves to taking the piss out of other programmes to get a cheap laugh and fill air time, even decent shows like Scrubs got it because of McFarlane's unexplained hatred of Zack Braff.

But all that (and the fact that South Park is still a million times better than any of his shows will ever be) can't stop the $100 million juggernaut that is Family Guy, which has just finished it's 10th season and has been well received by everyone, well, everyone except some guy called Seth McFarlane,

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane has admitted that he thinks the popular US cartoon should have ended by now. The 37-year-old told The Hollywood Reporter that the show, which has just finished its 10th series, has been running for too long.

"Part of me thinks that Family Guy should have already ended. I think seven seasons is about right," he said. The surreal show follows the Griffin family, including Dad Peter, which MacFarlane provides the voice for. "I talk to the fans and in a way I'm kind of secretly hoping for them to say we're done with it," he said

"There are plenty of people who say the show is kind of over the hill, but still the vast majority go pale in the face when I mention the possibility."

Wow, ok, I now have a new found respect for this guy... wait did he realise he was talking to The Hollywood Reporter? Or did the interviewer call him into a room with a sofa and lots of books and pretend to be a psychiatrist? Because this is far too frank to be a real interview...I've got it! They kidnapped Ant McPartlin, stuffed him full of food to get him looking like McFarlane and made him say those things. Oh those journos are a cunning lot.

Source: BBC

 

Billy...is that you?

The picture on the left is Jamie Bell as Billy Elliot which was released in the year 2000. The picture on the right is Jamie Bell from the new film Retreat also starring Thandie Newton and Cillian Murphy set to be released later this month and, as you can tell, he's changed a bit. In fact this might be the most an actor has changed since Christian Bale in The Machinist. Why am I writing about a random British film other than to express my shock at an actors transformation? Take a look at The Sun's article and see if you can spot the mistake,

TEN years ago he was wearing tights and enchanting the nation as ballet boy Billy Elliot. But Jamie Bell grew up pretty scary, if our exclusive clip from the thriller Retreat is anything to go by.

Grieving couple Kate and Martin – Thandie Newton and Cillian Murphy – have escaped to a cottage on a remote Scottish island to repair their marriage after the stillbirth of their first child. Jamie plays Jack, an injured stranger washed up on the shore dressed in military fatigues and clutching a gun.

7 million copies sold a day and they can't find a journalist who can count beyond 10. The article does have a point though; Jamie Bell looks scary as hell, and this film doesn't exactly sound like a laugh out loud comedy. Actually since he made Billy Elliot his career reads like this: Nicholas Nickelby, King Kong, Flags of our Fathers, Jumper, Defiance, The Eagle and Jane Eyre. Not one soft, warm or comedic film amongst the lot. Maybe the next film he could do would be a sequel to Billy Elliot which would basically be a male version of Black Swan...eww.

Source: thesun.co.uk

 

Señor Diablo

So it's been a few weeks since I ranted expressed my opinion on the possibility of Benedict Cumberbatch being the next James Bond (he would be a worse Bond than Alan Carr). With that worrying moment behind me I can't begin to tell you how pleased I am at this story,

Oscar-winning actor Javier Bardem has confirmed that he will play a villain in the next James Bond film. The 42-year-old, who is married to fellow Spanish star Penelope Cruz, revealed his casting while appearing on US news programme Nightline.

"I'm very excited because my parents took me to watch the [Bond] movies and I saw all of them, so to play that is going to be fun," he said. "They chose me to play this man, but I cannot give you many details."

Now this is good casting; if you've ever seen 'No Country For Old Men' you'll know how frightening this guy can be. He has the ability to look genuinely psychotic, even when he isn't meant to be. Ever seen 'Vicki Christina Barcelona'? There were times in that when he looked like he was going to kill Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johannson, but would usually end up shagging them instead...both of which qualify him as a perfect nemesis for James Bond. All he needs now to complete the bond villain theme is a silent yet deadly henchman, a physical defect and a totally pointless desire to destroy the world and then he'll be set.

Source: BBC

 

Super Wimp

The Spawn wannabe on the right there is Phoenix Jones, a real life super hero who wanders the streets of Seattle (really? Seattle? Ok) fighting crime, rescuing kittens from trees and stopping Darkseid overthrowing reality or something. Now, vigilantes, for the most part, are dangerous idiots who only see the world in terms of black and white and are far more of a problem than the people they are supposedly bringing to justice, but this dude only really breaks up street fights so he can't be that dangerous can he? Umm...

Seattle's most prolific self-styled superhero has ended up in handcuffs.

Police officers arrested the 23-year-old man who calls himself Phoenix Jones early on Sunday after he allegedly assaulted several people with pepper spray. He was held in county jail on four counts of assault, with arraignment set for Thursday, police said.

"Just because he's dressed up in costume, it doesn't mean he's in special consideration or above the law. You can't go around pepper spraying people because you think they are fighting," said Seattle police spokesman Detective Mark Jamieson.

if you watch the video below it's actually quite amusing; he seems to break up the fight and then gets attacked by some girl brandishing a pair of stilettos before following a car that nearly hits someone to get the licence plate. Then it cuts...all the threatening people reappear across the street looking dazed and confused. Hmm, how could that have happened? Maybe they had a change of mind mid rage and decided to retreat and live to fight another day...or maybe he pepper sprayed the crap out of them and they ran away because they wanted the use of their lungs back.

You know what is priceless about this whole incident? He cowers from a woman half his size and the fat Juggalo nearly wets himself when two guys approach because they want to know why they are being chased by a couple of Stan Lee's stalkers. My hero!

Sources: theguardian.co.uk and Ryan McNamee

Phoenix Jones Stop

Blackberry says NO!

I used to have a Blackberry, it was sold to me on the basis that it was better than a smartphone because it didn't have any of the problems this 'new' technology suffered from. It's parent company, RIM, had been making phones for donkeys years and knew what they were doing, it was a sure thing right? Wrong.

To put it in the nicest possible terms I can my Blackberry was a piece of shit. When it lost signal it wouldn't bother trying to reconnect, you had to pull the battery out, leave it out for 30 seconds, put it back in and wait 5 minutes for it to load back up again. Even then you only had a 50/50 chance of it getting a signal again. Along with that 90% of the apps were a con and didn't work, it's battery life was hopeless and it was ridiculously cumbersome. Moreover, it was a totally joyless device which didn't feel like something you had to use all the time, which I think is the point behind everyone mobile phone ever created isn't it?

I now have an iPhone which, while not perfect, is a million times better than the Blackberry. I think I got rid at the right time to because now this is happening,

A few hours after Blackberry maker RIM said all services were "operating normally" users have complained of a new crash. Twitter is full of angry users reporting renewed issues with their handsets and an inability to send messages and email. The initial 20-hour blackout saw Blackberry services across Europe, the Middle East and Africa disrupted.

One tweeter summed up the mood of many: "Blackberry server down AGAIN?!!! you have got to be kidding me!!!!!" Many called on the phone firm to "sort out" the problems and get the network running again. The cause is believed to be due to server problems at RIM's Slough data centre.

Twitter isn't the only forum that customers are venting their frustrations in; the BBC's own comments section has had 300 posts in just over an hour and a half and other tech sites are full of angry yuppies screaming at Blackberry for not having a plan B (which I think is their prerogative not the phones) and gloating non Blackberry users laughing at the customers 'sad' reliance on technology (as they sit behind a machine more powerful than the original lunar lander to do so).

If these customers haven't decided to do so already they need to change phones asap. RIM's shares have fallen 20% this year, they've cut 2000 jobs and their profits have fallen by around 30% year on year since 2010. Time to leave the sinking ship I feel.

Source: BBC

 

That's an interesting Travelodge

I live in a lovely little village similar to hundreds all over Wales and the rest of the UK. We have a couple of pubs, a playground, a village hall and a 1000 foot tall hotel worth £300 million...what do you mean your village doesn't have one of those? What is your village, a loser?

One of China's wealthiest villages, Huaxi, has built a 328 metre tall skyscraper in celebration of its 50th anniversary. The Longxi International Hotel cost a colossal £300million to build and is taller than France's Eiffel Tower.

However, these super buildings are all in major cities and are not normally built in villages. Huaxi has become the first rural area on the planet to have its very own skyscraper.

The village is located in east China's Jiangsu province and has expanded rapidly over recent years. It has gone from a population of around 1,600 in the 1960s to one of 50,000, today.

Interesting design and colour scheme they've gone for there isn't it. Never mind a hint of Bauhaus or splash of Art Deco, these people have gone for the ultra garish and phallic look so popular amongst Bond Villains and people called Donald Trump. It looks so ridiculous I'm fully expecting the Thunderbirds to be called in to rescue it's occupants from a freak earthquake or out of control fire anytime now.

Source: metro.co.uk

 

Weezer's former bassist predicted his own death

You see what I did there? I wrote a title nearly as misleading as The Sun's, only I didn't use the redundant phrase 'eerie' to draw attention to what is a sad but ultimately straightforward situation,

THE former bassist of rock band Weezer has died of a suspected overdose – after predicting the exact time and place of his death on Twitter. Mikey Welsh, who was part of the group from 1998 to 2001 – was found unconscious in a Chicago hotel room on Saturday.

On September 26 he had penned an ominous message on his Twitter feed, saying: "dreamt i died in Chicago next weekend (heart attack in my sleep). need to write my will today". Shortly after, he added: "correction: the weekend after next".

Welsh, 40, who was found unresponsive on the floor of his hotel room when he failed to check out, was in the city to see his former band play.

Dear me, which accomplished crime fighting team should be assembled to solve this perplexing and eerie death? If only we could create an Einstein Rosen bridge and travel through time and space to unite the forces of CSI, Sherlock Holmes and Columbo to get the answer. The saddest part of every suicide or possible suicide is the question of how much thought the person put into the affect this would have on their family and friends. Instead of one victim you have dozens of people who's lives are forever changed as a result of one death.

Source: thesun.co.uk

 

Whatever happened to the Man of Tomorrow?

What is it with disturbed people getting weird surgical procedures? First of all I had to stare at that 85 year old Spanish Duchess' terrifying mug for ages while I wrote about her marrying a man 21 years her junior (as the rest of her family looked on in horror). Now there's this guy,

A 35-year-old man from the Philippines could be the biggest Superman fan on the planet. And he has the surgeries to prove it.

According to a Daily Mail story, Herbert Chavez has undergone several cosmetic surgeries designed to make him look like the famous comic book hero. Chavez reportedly underwent a list of procedures that includes a chin augmentation, rhinoplasty, lip injections and thigh implants.

This is frighteningly similar to those before and after pictures of Michael Jackson when he got addicted to looking like Elizabeth Taylor, or Diana Ross or Morbius the Living Vampire or whoever it was. The scariest thing about all this is the choice to change his skin colour, which is wrong on so many levels. If he wants to look like Superman that's fine, but Superman has appeared as other ethnicities and nationalities before (DC's 'Multiverse' history is very complicated) so why couldn't he have avoided that treatment? I've never agreed with mass surgeries like this before but Mr. Chavez here goes way beyond a guy who wants to change his image; he's a psychologists dream come true. One last thought...thigh implants? Get out of the house and jog for 6 months and save yourself a small fortune there genius.

Source: Daily Mail

 

Edam Wee's

Should I have gone with that title or Dutch Poolip? They're both pretty sick and out there but when you see this story you'll understand why I went with such an odd title,

Dutch National Railways is introducing emergency plastic bags for passengers to urinate in as part of its first-aid provision on some commuter trains. Spokesman Jeroen von Geusau told the BBC "wee bags" would be installed on commuter trains without toilets.

He said the bags were for use in emergencies such as power failures. "When you have to wait three or four hours on a train, then it is quite logical you have some people aboard who need to go to a restroom," he said.

About 16% of passenger trains do not have toilets, the spokesman said, pointing out that the Sprinter services involved stop at stations every 5-10 minutes.

"Umm, are there any first aider's around? Please help me, I think I'm going to piss myself, here, hold this bag and close your eyes." This is all ok if you live in Holland, where people walk around in clogs all day stoned out of their minds but in the UK the realities of train travel are only too apparent: crowded carriages, exorbitant prices, drunken weirdos trying to engage everyone in conversations about women problems and The CIA listening to their thoughts via microphones in their teeth, it all goes down on train journey's in this country.

Fitting wee bags would be an indignity too far and if it happens I'm going on a campaign of leaving fake joke shop turds on every train I use that has these things in place of toilets. On second thoughts forget it, this might be an improvement, have you smelled any train toilets recently? It's like the company that won the contract to clean them is run by angry festival goers who's only cleaning materials are piss bombs.

Source: BBC

 

Please let this be the E.N.D

6 years ago I had a ticket to a Black Eyed Peas concert but decided to hawk it to a tout for £30 more than I bought it for because I was only going as a favour to someone who had come down with the flu and couldn't go. Did I decide not to attend because I didn't want go by myself? No, I do loads of stuff by myself like go for walks, go to the cinema and cry uncontrollably because we're all just specks in an infinite cosmos play on my xbox. I did it because I wasn't the worlds biggest BEP fan; 6 years ago they were interesting and different but not my thing.

Fast forward to today and what I see is a shell of a band fronted by an idiot who have been producing nothing but cliched and sycophantic music ever since. So this is music to my ears,

The Black Eyed Peas are on the verge of breaking up, according to the latest rumours, as the band dropped out of a planned performance at the Michael Jackson tribute concert in Cardiff.

The last-minute cancellation is reportedly the last straw for the US group, featuring Will.i.am, Apl.de.ap, Taboo and Fergie. A source told The Daily Mirror: 'Pulling out of this weekend’s gig is the final curtain call for them – especially as they’re all such huge Jacko fans. 

While this is all just speculation (especially since the BEP's said they wouldn't play any UK dates for 'some time' a few months ago) the fact that they returned £1.5 million doesn't bode well for their fans. Will I be as sad as I was when Faith No More, Rage Against The Machine or The White Stripes announced their split? No. Will I open a bottle of Champagne and drink to their demise? No...because I don't drink.

Source: The Daily Mirror

 

D'ollars

$800,000 is a lot of money, more than most people see in a lifetime. keep imagining though, lets say that's how much you earn per month. Incredible isn't it, that's is as much as the highest paid footballers in the world, players who usually only earn that amount for 6 or 7 years at most. Now imagine you've been earning that for 3 years and before that you were paid an average of $238,333 per month for 20 years. More over imagine you got paid that while doing something you loved and that it led to you being respected and idolised by billions of people worldwide. Sounds like a dream come true right? Not if you're a Simpson's voice actor it doesn't.

US TV network Fox has said it can no longer afford to produce long-running animated comedy The Simpsons without a pay cut for its cast. In a statement, it said although the series "can and should continue", it could not produce future seasons "under its current financial model".

Fox made the comment after reports it threatened to end the series unless its voice actors took a 45% pay cut. The cast reportedly earn $8m (£5.2m) each per series.

It said the cast had unsuccessfully tried to negotiate a 30% pay cut in return for a percentage of the show's profits from syndication and merchandising.

So the show's in trouble right? If they fight their corner it might get cancelled, they and hundreds of other staff will be out of work and the fans will be devastated by the loss of something that has been a part of their lives since childhood. But, if they bite the bullet and take the pay cut, the cast can still earn $3.6 million a year (on top of the $90 million they've already been paid) and continue to earn that for many years to come. They should just count themselves lucky they still have massively overpaid jobs that many people could do.

The greediest part of this story is the demand for merchandise profits. Syndication, DVD and some audio products I can stand by because that is their voice being reproduced over and over again but none of the actors are the inspiration for the design of the characters and therefore don't deserve the rest of the merchandise rights, that's Matt Groening's money. Mark Hamill didn't get much in the way of likeness rights/merchandise money when he was the voice of The Joker for 20 years, that went to the estates of Jerry Robinson, Bill Finger and Bob Kane who did the hard work by coming up with the character originally.

Source: BBC

 

Steve Jones: Super Stud

Us Welshmen, we're all heartthrobs don't you know. Tom Jones, Steve Jones, Ioan Gruffud, Joe Calzaghe, Neville Southall, Windsor Davies and Fireman Sam are all sex symbols in their own right...sort of. But sometimes agents and the press use these gorgeous hunks of manliness as a cheap way of advertising a project of theirs which never really got off the ground to begin with and is already looking like an expensive failure. Case in point,

It appears US X Factor host and Welsh heartthrob Steve Jones is planning a sex spree in LA after he was caught carrying a bundle of condoms.

The Welsh womaniser was recently seen carrying condoms into a Beverly Hills hotel during a meeting with former page-three girl Keeley Hazell and makes no apologies for his bed-hopping.

‘What the hell is the point of abstinence? I’m single and in Hollywood and I’m going to make the most of it,’ he vowed.

Just how many condoms did this dude have on him?! What number constitutes a 'bundle' of condoms?! I just have this image in my head of Steve Jones stumbling from club to club dragging a heavy bin liner full of Durex's behind him like Igor or something. This story has plant written all over it; last week he was accused of being involved in a publicity stunt by walking out on Piers Morgan (who is a friend of his and also Simon Cowell's bitch) during an interview over a very mild line of questioning.

All of this has come about because the American X-Factor was thrashed in the ratings in only it's first week and Jones himself was described by critics as, "utterly irrelevant". Well he won't be quite so irrelevant when he sleeps with the entire female population of California, that'll win him the respect and acclaim he deserves!

Source: themetro.co.uk

 

BAAA! Did someone open the Arc of the Covenant?

This woman is the Duchess of Alba, she is an 85 years old member of Spain's defunct Royal Family and looks like a mutated poodle that's trying to crap out a pine cone. Amazingly she is getting married soon (for the third time) and according to the BBC, who clearly chose this story for it's journalistic merits and not like I did because she is visually hilarious, the merch is flying off the shelves,

There is excitement in the Spanish city of Seville ahead of the marriage of the flamboyant, fabulously rich Duchess of Alba to a civil servant 24 years her junior. Souvenirs of the 85-year-old are selling fast and journalists are huddled at the entrance to the palace where the wedding will take place.

The love story of the twice-widowed aristocrat has gripped many Spaniards. She has had to overcome her children's suspicions about the union.

According to Guinness World Records, the Duchess - whose full name is Maria del Rosario Cayetana Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Francisca Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva - has more titles recognised by an existing government than any other noble.

It's really quite sweet that she has found love again, and while she certainly hasn't grown old/evolved gracefully it's a good thing for her (and, to a certain extent, Spain's economy) that she has found someone. I would like to wish the couple many years of hap...ummm...on second thoughts I'll just say enjoy the honeymoon you two.

Source: BBC

 

JLS are drama queens

Trolling is horrible; it causes anxiety, ruins lives and can often be a precursor to far more serious and worrying behavior types like stalking, harassment and being a total prick. As a form of bullying or abuse it's very new which means people sometimes confuse it with other things, although a criticism of dress sense can hardly be confused with trolling, can it?

TOP boyband JLS have told how they have become the target of sick internet trolls. The online bullies pick on innocent and vulnerable people, including crime victims and their grieving families. The Sun recently launched the Target A Troll campaign after exposing web attacks on high-profile victims including Amy Winehouse, the parents of Madeleine McCann and comic Dom Joly.

Aston, 23, said: "Regardless of our position, we have been attacked too. With us it's usually something stupid about what clothes we've been wearing or something".

Oh waawaa, did somebody say that little baby Aston wears silly clothes? Well you just tell me who they are and I'll go and have a word with his mummy. Being told to stop shopping in Baby Gap is hardly being made a 'target' and comparing that to what happened to Dom Joly and his family is lazy journalism. Also is it just me who thinks it's odd that a newspaper with a history of jumping to conclusions and persecution would be launching an anti bullying campaign? Try and give away a copy of The Sun for free in Liverpool and see what happens, then tell me that the people of that city don't feel persecuted by The Sun.

Source: thesun.co.uk

 

Globalisation in action

So the next time someone argues against the theory of cultural homogenisation and the existence of the 'Global Village' point them in the direction of this story, it's genuinely shocking,

Facebook accounts believed to belong to the North Korean leader's grandson have caused a stir in the South. South Korean media discovered accounts thought to belong to Kim Han-sol, the 16-year-old son of Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-il's eldest son, on Saturday.

According to reports, the posts revealed a teenager who said he was in favour of democracy and that his favourite film was "Love Actually". Photos showed Kim Han-sol with bleached blonde hair and dressed stylishly.

Amazing, if you don't already know Kim Jong Il is a very strange and conflicted man. He pushes the fact that his country is technically still at war with South Korea on state run television all the time and reminds people of the evils committed by the U.S. during the Korean war with terrifying statues and art work dotted all over Pyonyang but, conversely, he has a massive collection of over 20,000 DVD's which is mostly made up of action films, the 'Friday the 13th' franchise and anything starring Elizabeth Taylor. On top of that he's a big golfer and a huge basketball fan (he has a signed Michael Jordan basketball in his collection of memorabilia) so the question is does he approve of this?

Chances are he doesn't care that much but Mark Zuckerberg needs to be watching out for spies trying to kidnap him, ship him off to North Korea to make a new version of Facebook while being held in a prison where the menu looks like this: "a starter of grass cuttings followed by a water soup infused with flakes of ox poo". You might think I'm joking, but that actually happened to South Korean filmmaker Shin Sang-ok, who I'm sure would approve of the awesome video below. God bless you Matt Stone and Trey Parker.


Team America -
Source: BBC

 

 

Redesign #3

Why do I do it to myself? Why do I tax my poor little, underdeveloped brain so? I've reworked the look of the site again to something that will make it even easier for me to update as I go; after months of getting reacquainted with Dreamweaver I'm almost there, who'd have thought CSS rules and styles would be so important.

If you have any suggestions on the layout please email the address at top of the page, what I am doing is a learning process and if you have ideas you want to share they are always welcome. By the way that ain't me in the picture, that looks like Danny Boyle trying to think of ways to make '127 Hours' more than just a film about a man screaming "why didn't I bring a proper knife?!"

Because there's more to life than hyperbole, picking sides and dumping Nicole Scherzinger, do you think you can do better you boring manchild?
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