What's this site all about then?

Scary news!

Oh no, oh God please no...Ahhhh!!!

Scientists are questioning if using wi-fi on a laptop to roam the internet could harm a man's fertility, after lab work suggested ejaculated sperm were significantly damaged after only four hours of exposure.

The benchside tests showed sperm were less able to swim and had changes in the genetic code that they carry. Experts stress this does not mean the same would occur in a real-life setting and say men should not worry unduly.

But they are recommending more studies.

Further studies?! Who's going to volunteer for that one? "So you want me to sit here with this laptop placed over my crotch and surf the internet for four hours? Ok, just one question, what should I do if my pubes catch fire?" Also it's typical of people with genius level IQ's but no social skills to tell us that we might be slowly microwaving our nads off but to not worry unduly about it. That's like saying there's a large Alien invasion fleet hovering above Wales and expecting me to stay calm and collected instead of going down to my local Chinese takeaway and burying myself in a vat of their chicken curry mixture as per my funeral arrangements.

Source: BBC


Club Tropicana, drinks are free

I'm going on a holiday again so the posts will be a little erratic for the next few days...actually forget that I only post once a day anyway so there won't be a post on Monday because the trains suck and whenever I hitchhike people seem reluctant to pick me up. Is it because me and my axe are too cool for you losers? Man people can be weird.

P.S. super special hello and thank you to Craig 'I'm not Gavin' Henson of Hemel Hospital Radio (I think that's its proper name) for endorsing my site and being an all round bloody nice chap; feel free to plagiarize the crap out of my site at your leisure. I won't sue you, but I might get you to write the foreword to my up coming autobiography entitled 'a whiff of genius' which is currently running at 1035 pages, some 100 pages more than Bill Clinton's. Suck on that one Billy.



Twilight: so bad it damages your health

Just for the record I'm a guy in his (very) early 30's who works two jobs, produces a sort of not bad website, has a brain and subscribes to the Noam Chomsky stance of 'if you aren't being cynical you aren't paying attention'. All of these things put me out of the target demographic for the Twilight films, and that's fine by me because I have about as much interest in watching them as a deaf man does in going to an Antony And The Johnsons concert. It's a good thing to because apparently these films are actually doing people harm now,

The new Twilight film 'Breaking Dawn: Part One' has caused viewers to have fits during a graphic scene in which the heroine, Bella, gives birth to the child of her vampire husband Edward.

Brandon Gephart of Roseville, California, was watching the film when he began having convulsions, CBS Sacramento said. Gephart remembered waking on the cinema floor and struggling to breathe before being taken to hospital. His girlfriend, Kelly Bauman, said he was “convulsing, snorting, trying to breathe” which “scared me big time”.

The rest of the screening was cancelled but it is not a one-off. One man in Utah blacked out during the film with witnesses describing him shaking, mumbling and blinking rapidly.

Holy shit this thing's been inducing fits? I thought the worst thing that could happen when you watched Twilight was a sudden onset of narcolepsy never mind epilepsy. Still I'm sure these people having seizures on the stinking floor of a cinema was more entertaining than anything Kristen Stewart does in any of these films, this woman is to the craft of acting as Scalextric is to Formula 1.

Source: Telegraph.co.uk


The Nelly Musical Express

Occasionally I struggle to find stories that are mad/weird/smile inducing enough to fit the bill in some way or form as reinforcing a pragmatic approach to life, which is the whole point of this site really; no matter how crappy you think your life is (or how crappy your told it is) it really isn't that bad, now look at that funny thing there, see! Funny! Now smile idiot! That's basically my site. Anyway, as I was saying, sometimes I struggle to find things that reinforce that theme, not today though, today's been a good one...and to prove it here's a crazy middle aged dude playing piano to a bunch of blind elephants,

Elephants never forget, according to the saying – and these ones will always remember when Briton Paul Barton serenaded them with Beethoven.

Mr Barton, 50, dragged his piano up a mountain in Kanchanaburi, Thailand, to help raise money for blind elephants. He said: 'It was a 50th birthday present to myself. My wife and I have been working with blind elephants for many years, and I thought it might be something they would enjoy to listen to.

'I sat down and thought, what do you play to an elephant? 'You only get a short time, so I started trawling through my books and then Slow Movement 2 from Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata just stuck. 'I had to drag the piano up a mountain - I have a really bad back, but I wanted to make the effort so I could feel like I had undergone a personal challenge.'

Someone needs to explain to Mr Barton that climbing a mountain is in itself considered a personal challenge, no one screamed, "oh big whoop you bloody loser" at me when I climbed Snowdon for charity, everyone was generally quite nice about the whole thing. So dragging a massive piano up there as well kind of makes people worry about your mental state because, and I'm sure I'm not the only person thinking this, couldn't he have carried a keytar and a small amp up the mountain and saved his spinal cord some stress? It's not like the elephants have got tiny ears or anything, plus they're blind so their sense of hearing will be heightened further.

I bet he got the shock of his life when the elephants got bored after 5 minutes of Beethoven and started loudly chanting "we want Zeppelin!" at him until he knocked out Kashmir on the ivories, oh wait that's slang for piano isn't it? He tickled the ivories in front of a bunch of easily hunted elephants! What an insensitive bastard this guy is!

Source: metro.co.uk


These guys play football?

The picture on the right is of 3 Samoan's about to do a traditional slap dance which, given the size of these dudes, doesn't sound like a pleasant experience at all. I chose this picture because that is a typical size for Samoan men; they aren't small. Sports wise I've known them to play Rugby or become wrestlers because both require size and controlled aggression, something Samoans are blessed with.

Former wrestler High Chief Peter Maivia (The Rock's grandfather) was known for his calm demeanor, except when people crossed him that is, like the time when legit hardman and total arsehole Billy Robinson called him something racist in front of a group of people in a hotel lobby. When Robinson refused to apologise and challenged Maivia to a fight Maivia simply picked him up over his head and threw him through a plate glass window.

Apparently, playing rugby, wrestling and battering racist scumbags weren't enough hobbies for them so they decided to play football as well. Unfortunately that didn't go so well and, after 28 years of playing the game, they are currently the lowest ranked team in the world having not won a game in nearly 20 years...so this must be cause for quite a bit of celebration,

American Samoa's football team - ranked as the worst international team in the world - has won a game for the first time in its history. The US protectorate managed a 2-1 victory over Tonga after 30 straight defeats in almost two decades.

Reports said the players and coach of the Pacific nation celebrated as if they had won a major championship. In 2001 American Samoa lost 31-0 to Australia - the heaviest defeat in international football history. Coach Thomas Rongen said the victory would now be "part of soccer history".

"Maybe we have a chance to do something special here beyond this one game, but let's enjoy this one right now," he said.

The BBC aren't being entirely accurate here, they have won before, just not in a competitive match before. Moreover the last thing I want is a bunch of angry Samoans turning up at my door and correcting me while wearing those green skirts, leaf socks and pretty flowers carefully placed in their flowing, manly hair...actually forget what I just said, bring it on you bunch of pansies, your football team sucks!

Source: BBC


Is it the first of April already?

I do a lot of strange things in my sleep; I snore, I talk, I climb out of bed and murder small animals while howling at the moon, but texting in my sleep? Nah, never done that, because that is a complicated sequence that requires concentration and focus. So I think it would be fair to assume that such an activity would be impossible to perform while asleep, you hear me IMPOSSIBLE!

THE stress of busy life has sparked a new phenomenon — people who text in their SLEEP. Sufferers send incoherent messages to friends and family in the middle of the night, completely unaware they are doing it.

And sleep specialist Dr David Cunnington warned: "Keep your mobile OUT of the bedroom if you want a good night's rest." He has seen patients at his clinic complaining of sleep texting — and believes it is triggered by having too much to do during waking hours.

Dr Cunnington said: "People are doing so much during a normal day that it can mean they feel like they're on call even at night. Because it's so easy to communicate with smartphones, it becomes more difficult to separate waking and sleeping lives."

There are no studies into sleep texting, but a similar phenomenon involving emails was investigated in 2008. US researchers reported the case of a woman of 44 who wrote emails while sound asleep but had no recollection of them when awake.

This sounds like a story printed by every newspaper editor in the land as a way of covering themselves for when their partners find out they've been having an affair. "No darling I swear I have no recollection of this text, I must have been sleep texting, like those people in that story I published the other day. I just need a little sleep therapy that's all, now, put down the kitchen knife and lets talking about this rationally." Man this really is the ultimate get out clause, now all I have to do is build a time machine so that I can go back in time and relay this information to David Beckham and Vernon Kay to save them the hassle of telling the truth.

Source: thesun.co.uk


The Dark Knight Staggers

So I was going to do a thing today about a woman in America who paid a surgeon to give her a bum implant only for said 'surgeon' to fill her tooshie with cement, but (hehe) that freaked me out because she might literally shit a brick and that image would have haunted me for days so I went with this instead,

Christopher Nolan has revealed that The Dark Knight Rises will pick up eight years after the last Batman film and Bruce Wayne won't be in 'great shape'. The director revealed to Empire that the third Batman adventure would revolve around Batman fight with nemesis Bane but rich playboy Bruce Wayne wouldn't be as fit as he used to be.

He told Empire: It's really all about finishing Batman and Bruce Wayne's story. We left him in a very precarious place. Perhaps surprisingly for some people, our story picks up quite a bit later, eight years after The Dark Knight. So he's an older Bruce Wayne; he's not in a great state.

'With Bane, we're looking to give Batman a challenge he hasn't had before. With our choice of villain and with our choice of story we're testing Batman both physically as well as mentally.' Tom Hardy, who plays genetically enhanced villain Bane, called him 'brutal'.

Hardy said: 'He's brutal. Brutal. He's a big dude who's incredibly clinical, in the fact that he has a result-based and oriented fighting style.'

I don't want to sound to presumptuous (or nerdy) but this sounds like a combination of two Batman stories: The first part, about an older and more broken down Batman reminds me of Frank Miller's brilliant (in spite of the terrible art work) Batman: The Dark Knight Returns which features a middle aged Batman coming out of retirement and going rogue by killing a lot of the Gotham villains and sorting out what he see's as a rotten society. He's basically a highly trained and deadly Daily Mail reader. The second part, Bane coming after a weakened Batman, is taken from the Knightfall story where Bane escapes from a prison he's grown up in, breaks Batman's enemies out of Arkham, watches Batman knacker himself out by trying to round them all up, follows him back to Wayne Manor, batters him and breaks his back.

While I loved the second Nolan Batman film (it's one of the best films of the 21st Century so far) I'm a little worried that what we're going to see in the new film is a 40 something Batman using his many vehicles to round up villains, breaking his back and then spending half an hour of the film in traction ranting about foreigners taking all the good jobs in Gotham and how he used to show his parents respect, not like kids nowadays.

Source: Empire


When I am King you will be first against the wall

I've written about problems with phones before (my old Blackberry was about as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit) but I thought I'd finally found my perfect handset in the iPhone 4. I showed it love by filling it full of food, well...music and apps, and it loved me back by actually working properly, we seemed like the perfect couple...for a while. Then it went and hurt me, badly, and in the last 24 hours I think I've been through the 5 stages of grief.

First stage, Denial: The iPhone iOS 5 update can't have deleted all of my apps/music/photos, Apple wouldn't release software with the potential to have such a disastrous effect on one of their products! I'll just restore from the back up and get everything put back in its right place.

Second stage, Anger: ARGH! How can the back up iTunes performed have failed? How can this be happening? I've lost all my contacts now. I have to find something worth less than this phone I can destroy! AAARRRGGGHHH!

Third stage, Bargaining: I'll sell my house to anyone who can help me get this sorted out, surely someone on the internet must have an answer? Oh wait, all these people are doing is talking about backing up before you install the upgrade, well that's no help. What about Apple? Huh, they don't seem to acknowledge that a problem even exists...maybe if I buy Apple care they'll help me!

Fourth stage, Depression: Oh my God...I own a £500 coaster.

Fifth stage, Acceptance: Right, nothing left to do but rebuild, I still have 900 songs stored on CD and most of the apps are free, it'll only take me another 7 months to get the phone back up to speed again. Yeah, this is a good thing! Now I have another hobby! Thank you for your utter incompetence Apple, you people rule!

(P.S. anyone who knows me personally please text me as I no longer have your number thanks to the wonderful people at Apple)


Kiss your ass goodbye pretty island

That there is an Atoll, which is Spanish or something for 'pretty island that the Swiss Family Robinsons would love to live on' (it's actually an island that encircles a lagoon). When people think about living on a deserted island for a while they usually think of an Atoll just like the one on the right, apart from the occasional tropical storm or pirate invasion/giant squid attack life would be all sunshine and monkey butlers right? Oh so wrong,

The US has test-fired a new weapon which can travel at five times the speed of sound, the Pentagon says. The missile was launched from Hawaii and reached its target on a Pacific atoll 2,300 miles (3,700km) away in less than half an hour.

The Advanced Hypersonic Weapon is part of a programme to build new high-speed long-range missiles. Its aim is to allow the US military to strike targets anywhere in the world within an hour.

So there you are, enjoying your coconut drink in your hammock made out of leaves talking to your best mate, a volleyball covered in your blood called Wilson, when all of a sudden a giant sodding missile takes out your only means of escape (a bath tub with a sail made from old bed sheets). The only thing left to do is write a harshly worded letter to the American ambassador of umm...the Pacific Ocean, put it in a bottle and wait for his response, should only be a week or two right?

Source: BBC


Yeah...sort of

No I'm not trying to redo The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button with odd celebrity pictures, I'm just making a point. It'll all become clear after you read this little piece of speculation from The Sun,

HOLLYWOOD heartthrob George Clooney is in the running to play late Apple boss Steve Jobs in a new movie.

The actor, 50, is reportedly battling it out with his former ER co-star Noah Wyle, 40, for the role. The biopic, which is expected to start filming next year, will chart the life of the amazing entrepreneur, who died last month from pancreatic cancer at just 56. According to Now magazine, filming on the project is due to start next year.

Yeah, ok, Clooney works. If you look at him in the picture above with the stubble all you'd have to do is slap a pair of glasses on him, shave his hair shorter and you have Steve Jobs in the last 10 years of his life. Now, what I'm proposing is Ashton Kutcher as a younger Jobs. I mean look at them side by side! It's eerie, the only difference is a slightly less pronounced chin on Jobs and a slightly more blank look on Kutcher's face. Of course if you're doing a Film about Steve Jobs' life you have to have someone to play Bill Gates and I'm going to suggest Janet Reno, don't believe me? look at the picture below!







Source: thesun.co.uk


Mmm bread!

When I was in university I was a right cheapskate, although in fairness I basically had no money at all. It was pathetic; at one point the university decided to let the TV licence people into our corridor unannounced and, as none of us ever locked our doors, the bastards got all of us. My licence had run out 4 days earlier and the guy said he'd let me off if I bought a new one on the spot over the phone. £117 gone in an instant, which left me with precisely £10 to last a month before the rentals came to pick me up.

Cue a month of living off cheap beans, noodles and crisps. Then, when all those ran out and I got desperate on the last day of the term, I ate a tin of chunky steak for breakfast and some peeled raw potatoes I found lying around for lunch. At no point did I think of having a bread sandwich which, given the cost, I probably should have done,

Britain's 'cheapest' lunchtime meal was unveiled by scientists on Wednesday - the toast sandwich. The Royal Society of Chemistry (RSC) is reviving the mid-Victorian dish, which, unsurprisingly, consists of two slices of bread around a slice of toast.

The society is so confident in the repast, it will offer £200 to anyone who can create a cheaper alternative. The meal, costing 7.5 pence, was first promoted by Victorian food writer Mrs. Beeton.

Well thank you Mrs. Beeton, ever heard of Vitamins and Minerals you dough loving maniac? In all my moments of living below the bread line (harhar) I never thought of making a sandwich like that. Also notice in the picture how they have knocked it up a notch by adding those rarely used spices called salt and pepper? Well that's just the garnish on top of the perfect meal, what's for desert? The yogurt you found in the neighbours bin served in a bucket?

Source: BBC



Shooting Stars is one of those shows I grew to love over time, at first I wasn't a fan but after a few years it wore me down and I started to get the insane take on traditional game shows. Since it re-launched in 2009 it's done very well for itself and has attracted the kind of consistent ratings that BBC2 craves. All of that makes this news very surprising,

The BBC has confirmed it is axing Shooting Stars after nearly 20 years on the air.

The broadcaster seemed to suggest that the programme was a victim of the BBC cuts that were announced this year. 'In future there will be less space on BBC2 for comedy/entertainment panel shows,' said a BBC spokesperson.

'So sadly Shooting Stars won't be returning. We'd like to thank Vic and Bob for everything they've brought to the channel over the years.'

Bob Mortimer, who hosts the show with Vic Reeves, had earlier tweeted: ‘BBC have just cancelled shooting stars.’ Other comic stars also took to Twitter in order to show their surprise and anger at the show being axed. Al Murray said the decision was 'unbelievable' and boneheaded, while Dave Gorman called it: "Ulrika-ka-ka-katastrophe!" A reference to Ulrika Jonsson, who is one of the team leaders on the show.

I remember reading an interview with professional misery guts John Humphrys a long time ago in which he rubbished media degrees and media studies students and stated that a degree in history would be a far more helpful way to starting a career in the media industry. That kind of mindset has existed in the BBC since it was established; high level degrees (preferably from Oxford or Cambridge) in any of the traditional or classical subjects are what is required to get your foot in the door.

As a result what you end up getting is some people in positions of power making decisions that often don't follow what the audience wants, partially because they just don't know what the audience wants having never studied audience viewing trends before but also because the casual audience is from a different world to them. it's a problem that, at certain times in the past, has haunted the BBC and resulted in the 'Auntie' nickname. This is the latest example of that. If BBC2 is moving away from comedy then just move Shooting Stars over to BBC3 (which seriously needs the help at the moment) that way you will have a solidly watched programme propping up a weak time slot once a week. It's just like when This Life (at the time BBC2's most successful show ever) was cancelled after just two series'. Just senseless.

Source: metro.co.uk


A genuine hero

As you may have guessed from some of the stories/headlines on this site I have a bit of an infatuation with comic books and, more specifically, superhero comics. I really don't care what anyone thinks of a guy in his 30's reading comics because I love them and they are one of the many wonderful things I have the privilege to fill my spare time with along side marathon walks, photography, wrestling, beautiful films and writing this rambling crap for hours at a time.

The main reason I love superhero comics and graphic novels is a combination of the action and narrative but mostly it's the heroics; there aren't too many people in the world who I would consider truly heroic partly because the media would rather constantly show us who they perceive to be the villains in this world. Michael J Fox is a hero, and moreover he is a genuinely nice guy, I don't think there are too many people who would disagree with that (except that fat horror Rush Limbaugh) and once again he proved this buy performing live on stage for a Parkinson's awareness night,

MICHAEL J Fox paid homage to his classic movie Back To The Future as he rocked out to Johnny B. Goode last night. The actor took to the stage in New York for a live rendition of the Chuck Berry song which he famously performed, as time-travelling character Marty McFly, in the 1985 film.

Michael was on top form as he strummed his guitar and sang along at the charity bash held to raise money and awareness for Parkinson's Disease. The actor – who was diagnosed with the debilitating condition in 1991 – hosted the Waldorf-Astoria event to benefit his Michael J Fox Foundation.

I really don't think I need to add anything to this other than to point out a video from the event is embedded below. It's refreshing to not feel the need to mercilessly rip the piss out of a story for a change...in fact it feels odd...must find someone to antagonise...God, where's my grandmothers dog when you need him.

Source: thesun.co.uk



Bye bye Bradley

Being a Hollywood icon can be hard sometimes; you have to sift through and sort hundreds of large paychecks you get for doing 6 weeks worth of lying acting, you're constantly paying other people to redecorate your huge mansions dotted around the globe which you have to fly to on your private jet and you have to write your name on bits of paper and womens breasts, like, all the time dude. It's such a stressful life for some that they choose to retire from the limelight early, like Mr. Jolie there,

Brad Pitt will quit acting in three years when he reaches 50 to pursue a career behind the camera as a producer. The 47-year-old, who is married to actress Angelina Jolie, revealed his plans during an interview on the Australian chat show 60 Minutes.

He said: 'I've really enjoyed the producerial [sic] side and getting stories to the plate that may have had a harder time otherwise.'

In the candid interview he also revealed that happiness is overrated, instead saying being at peace was a more realistic aim. 'There's too much pressure to be happy. I don't give a s**t. I know I will be happy sometimes and I won't be at times.'

I wonder which part of this 'candid' deals with the rumours that he gets stoned out of his mind at home whenever he can? Who needs happiness when you have mind altering chemicals aye?! Whether that's true or not doesn't matter, what's important is his decision to retire, I mean is he really retiring or is this one of those Frank Sinatra/Jay Z/Ric Flair retirements? Moreover what's wrong with this guy?! We made him the star he is now by going to watch him in such hugely successful and classic films as Johnny Suede, Cool World, Contact and Full Frontal, all that we ask in return is that he keeps working fulltime until he's 85 years old and his face looks like a poorly made leather handbag. Is that too much to ask? I think not!

Source: metro.co.uk


It's about damn time!

Invisibility; the fevered dream of mad scientists, bank robbers and penniless drunks staring forlornly at the entrance of a Spearmint Rhino. When I was a child invisibility was my favourite super power (analyse that all you therapists out there) because it presented many more intriguing possibilities than just flying or having the strength enough to smash Lex Luthors face in. I honestly never thought it would become a reality in my lifetime but, as you can clearly see from the video below, not only does it exist, but it actually works very quickly and accurately. Now if only I could get it fitted to my trousers, jacket and face I could finally go into a Forbidden Planet without being judged.

Source: wwtdd.com





No! We don't have stock piles of Fererro Rocher

The Ambassador's receptions are noted in society for their host's exquisite taste...and the giant vein in his forehead that looks ready to explode due to the stress of having to answer questions from moronic Brits abroad,

The British consulate offers welcome assistance to travellers who are in trouble abroad, but the Foreign Office is warning there are some things it just cannot help with.

In the last six months staff have been asked for a telephone number for Phil Collins and Prince Charles's shoe size. Other odd requests made to consular staff include:

Now, having worked in various places that require you answer even the most stupid questions with a smile and impeccable manners I know how ridiculously frustrating this can be. Every fiber of your being wants to put the person in their place and point out to them how mind crushingly dense their question is but you are bound, usually by protocol, to treat them as something other than a pinhead.

The only difference is the harassed people in this case work for the foreign office, do you have any idea how much they could mess up your life? Not only do they see themselves as the Queen's representatives abroad but they also have very close ties to MI5 ad MI6 as well as very powerful politicians. So the next time you decide it would be appropriate to call them and ask what temperature Norway is at this time of year there's a very good chance they could answer your query by throwing you out of a plane over Oslo wearing only a parachute and a dunce hat.

Source: BBC


Nikola Tesla would be proud

Science and medicine are very taxing fields to work in; forget the challenging research and environments, scientists/doctors can sometimes be difficult to work with because they are highly intelligent and driven. To work in any scientific or medical field you usually have to meet some pretty stringent criteria but the most important of all is to be sane which, according to The Sun and various other news outlets, this dude ain't,

A POLICE force is being sued over claims it used undercover DWARVES to carry out stop and searches. City of London Police has been hit with the barmy writ by a Russian doctor who also alleges its officers sexually assaulted him and tried to take his DNA for "covert biological experiments".

But Dr Alexander Sobko's £55,000 bizarre damages claim means the force will have to defend itself against the lawsuit - costing taxpayers thousands of pounds. He claims he was first stopped in the capital's Chancery Lane after being spotted "doing exercises to refresh my mind" in the street. Dr Sobko said he was searched by "two well-fed policemen and one well-fed policewoman" under the Terrorism Act before being taken to a police station for questioning.

A week later the Russian said he was approached by the dwarves who searched him without any explanation. He claimed: "Two dwarf chaps approached the claimant smiling tensely, one producing something like a badge and expressing his desire to search the claimant on the basis of a Terrorism Act. "As to the claimant's understanding, the policemen were using the Terrorism Act to make sexual advances as one of those cops was searching the claimant's space between legs for too long, smiling.

For "doing exercises to refresh my mind" read "freaking people out in a city on high alert", that should give you some idea as to the mental state of a man who claims that a bunch of police dwarves went all Deliverance on him. Also how can dwarves go undercover? The whole point of going undercover is to assume a disguise that makes you blend into the background so that you are in no way suspicious, how can a group of dwarves brandishing police badges and frisking random weirdos in the street be in anyway covert?! If just one person saw that happening their camera phone would be out quicker than you could say Heigh Ho and, by the end of the week, it would have racked up more Youtube hits than that video of the husky saying "I Love You".

Also isn't it great (and a little hypocritical given what is going on with their parent company News International) that The Sun is indignant about the cost to the tax payer? That way they can keep publishing bonkers stories like this as long as it's presented as concern for the potential drain on the public coffers. Awesome!

Source: thesun.co.uk


Up yours conspiracy nutters!

The question of whether we are alone in the Universe can be easily answered by mathematics (says the guy who got a big fat D in his GCSE's) in the form of the Drake equation which, according to Drake himself, gives us a grand total of 10 planets in the Milky Way that could support intelligent life capable of communication with other planets. Sounds like a large number but the Milky Way is a big place, you'd have better luck finding 10 individual Phoenix feathers in Russia during winter.

But those numbers won't stop an inordinate number of anal probe obsessed red necks and easily swayed conspiracy theorists telling you there are highly evolved life-forms visiting us on a regular basis and, furthermore, The US and UK Governments are in contact with them. In the past the powers that be have been content to let these people talk about Prince Phillip killing Princess Di on a moped and The Moon landing being filmed at Universal Studios because they weren't hurting anyone. I think this is them finally losing their collective rag,

The US government has formally denied that it has any knowledge of contact with extraterrestrial life. The announcement came as a response to submissions to the We The People website, which promises to address any petition that gains 5,000 signatories. Two petitions called for disclosure of government information on ETs and an acknowledgement of any contact.

"The US government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race," wrote space policy expert Phil Larson of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy. "In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public's eye."

More than 17,000 citizens joined the two petitions, and the White House has since amended the requirements for response to a minimum of 25,000 signatories.

Now this isn't going to stop conspiracy theorists from believing what they believe, in fact this might spur them on. The very fact they got a Government representative to talk about Aliens will be seen as a victory in their eyes; like the attention starved child of a workaholic all they want is recognition.

Here's my problem with a lot of the theorists: they either don't give the human race enough credit or give it far too much. Many of them claim that aliens built the pyramids and other wonders of the world, I don't buy that for one damn second. Evidence has shown that the Pyramids of Giza took around 30 years to be built, if beings with the ability to travel millions of light years through space arrived in Egypt do you really think they'd take 30 years to build a tomb? We built them, end of story.

The 9/11 conspiracies conversely give the human race too much credit: some of them believe that the American Government planned the whole thing as a way of starting wars in the Middle East. Well all you have to do to refute those theories is to look at the Bush Administrations response to Hurricane Katrina and the existance (or lack thereof) of Iraq and Afghan war exit strategies; these people couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery let alone execute a deadly strike on American soil, hence way too much credit.

Almost all conspiracy theories are utter rubbish and can be explained away with a combination of science and Occam's Razor...but the IRA and the Mafia kidnapping Shergar for Colonel Gadaffi in exchange for weapons I do believe. Because that's what the IRA definitely needed in the early 80's; more weapons. Man, Gadaffi must have really loved horses. The truth is out there!

Source: BBC


Oregon; techy heaven

Oregon, what a cool place! It's got a umm...oh but wait it has that umm...ok so Oregon is the wallflower of U.S. States, so I went to that bastion of accurate information, Wikipedia, to find out some Oregon facts: Portland is it's biggest city (with a miniscule population of 500,000), Clark Gable , Mel Blanc (the original voice of Bugs Bunny) and Matt Groening are all famous Oregoniers Oregonnuers Oregonians and it produces 95% of America's hazelnuts. Not exactly massively impressive facts, but that might be about to change because it seems the state might become ground zero for electoral evolution,

Residents in parts of the US state of Oregon are to cast their votes by iPad during a special election on Tuesday. The program, designed to make voting easier for disabled residents, is part of a five-county pilot in the north-western state.

The counties are voting to nominate candidates to replace David Wu, who resigned from the US House of Representatives amid a sex scandal. Residents do not officially "vote" on the tablet, but instead use software developed by Oregon's elections division to cast their ballot, which is then printed out to be mailed back to the state.

Cool! This reminds me of that scene in Avatar where the scientists are setting up the giant blue anorexic kitty for human occupation and they use iPad like tablets to transfer data from computer to computer with impressive speed. That was the only part of that film that really got my attention, the rest was, as South Park put it, Dances With Wolves done with Smurfs. But I don't have an iPad and I want to vote like this all the time so can we please have an iPhone app that allows me to vote in elections? And while Apple are at it can I have an app that allows me to pay all my bills from home? Also, I'd like an app that turns my iPhone into a machine that I can attach electrodes to which will allow me to replicate exercise by sending electrical impulses to my muscles? That way I never have to go outside again. Screw you nature, Apple has your number.

Source: BBC


Lady, are you sure it wasn't Paddington Bear?

You can see a lot of different and interesting things when you travel by train in the UK: beautiful countryside, cities undergoing redevelopment and giant predatory mammals with a taste for zebra and wildebeest. Yep, lions are now prowling the railway lines, time for a new Government safety advert I think,

Passengers are used to autumn leaves being used to explain delays to their service – but travellers were stopped from leaving their carriages after reports of a lion on the loose. A woman sparked the alert when she reported seeing a big cat or a cub from her car at about 3.30pm today. 

But no animal was found despite almost two hours of searching by two dozen officers and a police helicopter, while train travellers were forced to  remain on board their carriages in Shepley, near Huddersfield, Yorkshire. 

The motorist who claimed to have seen the predator was a genuine caller, say police. However, Insp Carlton Young, of West Yorkshire Police, said the search would be resumed today if there were any more reports.

Is there so little going on (or so many hallucinogenic drugs freely available) in Shepley that people are calling in reports of lions stalking trains? In the past the biggest problem you had to contend with when you got off a train was a junkie hassling you for 50p, but now we have to dodge easily angered man eaters? Well fair is fair, if this woman thinks there are lions on our countries rail network it's her duty as a concerned citizen to trap the invasive species and kill it. I would recommend strapping several raw steaks to some cross country runners and waiting around the corner with a chair, a whip and a large cardboard box. Problem solved.

Source: metro.co.uk


The Parent Trap

The woman on the left (seen here pooing out a thistle) is Susan Boyle; a moderately talented and mentally unstable Scottish lady who came second in Britain's Got Talent and has made a career out of sounding like a pretty good karaoke singer ever since. The other woman on the right there (dressed like a greeter at a Las Vegas casino) is Justin Bieber; a barely talented brat who protects his image nearly as carefully as a politician but is somehow still as divisive as Katie Price and John Cena combined.

The possibility of these two being together in the same place might be enough to open the Seventh Seal and unleash The Apocalypse on us all, but the prospect of the end of days isn't enough to stop Subo wanting to adopt the smiley faced gremlin,

JUSTIN Bieber is having a bit of a tough time at the moment. But at least he'll always have Susan Boyle looking out for him. The singers are taking each other on in the American charts after they both released their albums there earlier this week.

The Highland lassie with the big hits and the hairy chassis told Piers Morgan on his CNN show: "I would rather adopt Justin than beat him."

Nice to see that The Sun is sticking to its stance of using terrible innuendo in place of genuine humour. Just say it like it is for Gods sake; Susan Boyle would find it hard going looking after a water melon never mind a moody little punk like Justin Bieber...it would make brilliant television though: him pining for Selena Gomez and a career that will stand the test of time, her crying into her deep fried Mars bar after Bieber rejects her advances with a swift "get lost grandma". Awesome fun. Throw Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen into the mix and you've got the greatest sitcom ever.

Source: thesun.co.uk


You guys are umm...special

So it's coming up to my 3 month anniversary (and by 'my anniversary' I mean 'this websites anniversary' since we are one and the same...I'm a cyborg) and I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you to the regulars and irregulars (harhar) who like my lazy, only one new story a day because I'm a perfectionist, website enough to come back time after time.

So, as a way of marking this momentous occasion, I've decided to provide a list of search engine keywords and phrases that have led some of you (God knows how) to my humble site. Some are normal search terms, others are, well...someone out there really likes Steve Jones,

November's selection:

"Javier Bardem Naked", "Simpsons Money", "Adele Obese", "What Ethnicity Is Zachary Quinto?", "Steve Jones Penis"

October's selection:

"Steve Jones Gay", "Fake Glasses UK", "Anti JLS", "Superman Philippines Surgery", "Homer Simpson Money", "Half Hearted Smile"

September's selection:

"Joanna Corscadden" (searching for yourself are you there Jo?), "whyalltheanger?", "Snowdon 4x4", "Psycho Hose Beast", "Giselle Bra", "Rihanna Get Off My Land"

August's selection:

"Maplin", "German Prostitutes", "Betws-Y-Coed", "Funny Looking Dog", "Fred The Shred Goodwin", "American Penis Amputee".


Hey, Comrade, can you move your elbow?

No this isn't a remake of Talladega Nights done with a group of sinister looking accountants it's the Mars500 project, where scientists locked 3 Russians, a 'European' and a Chinese dude in a giant Scandinavian office for 18 months and got them to come up with new knock knock jokes or something,

Six men locked away in steel tubes for a year-and-a-half to simulate a mission to Mars have emerged from isolation.

The Mars500 project, undertaken at a Moscow institute, was intended to find out how the human mind and body would cope on a long-duration spaceflight.

It is a venture that has fascinated all who have followed it around the globe. The study even saw three of the men carry out a pretend landing on Mars, donning real spacesuits and walking across an enclosed sandy yard. "The programme has been fully carried out. All the crew members are in good health. We are now ready for further tests."

So they locked them in a big tube (full of this amazing stuff called gravity, which they don't have in space sadly...thanks a bunch for that one Einstein you smart arse) for 18 months to see what would happen to them physically and psychologically? What a unique set of circumstances, if only there were a cheaper way to see what happens to 6 guys when you shut them in a confined space for long periods of time. In fact we should really try it on a bigger scale so that we can really get a large amount of statistical data on this unique experiment. Thank God for Russian Institutes that use tax payers money to try something no-one has ever thought of before. Look out Mars, the Russian inmates Cosmonauts are coming!

Source: BBC


Bow chicka wow WAAAHH!

First of all ignore the crappy red arrow, that ain't me, I have standards. Secondly, do you remember the scene in Ghost where Demi Moore gets busay with her dead boyfriend? Well that might not have been the first time someone's crossed the sort of necrophilia line with a dead person; these sick bastards have been filming ghosts getting down,

THIS incredible image could be the spooky proof that things really do go HUMP in the night. The shot, taken by Dianne Carlisle's granddaughter, shows what appears to be ghosts having SEX in her front room.

Shocked Dianne, from Euclid, Ohio, US, said: "It shows ghosts having sex - in my living room. "You can see they are having sex, you can see the ladies high-heeled shoes." The supernatural snap of afterlife hanky panky shows a ghostly couple who appear to be having missionary-style sex.

Sneezing baby panda scaring its mum, fat Star Wars kid making an idiot of himself, kung fu man knocking himself silly while doing a back flip. All of those are very funny, but this woman claiming the ghost has kept it's Manolo Blahnik's on while having sex is much funnier, and how can this reporter possibly know if they are having missionary style fun? It's an amorphous cloud, for all he knows the one with the heels could be strangling the other one...can ghosts kill other ghosts? Wait has this article finally pushed me over the edge? Ok all the light-hearted stupidity has fried my brain, let me just call an ambulance.

Source: thesun.co.uk


What, was Superman busy?

Do you remember that stinking hippie Swampy who used to live in trees back in the 90's? He was usually protesting against a bypass or new road or something and was pretty successful because those developments shut down for weeks at a time. This woman, on the other hand, doesn't appear to be protesting...wait is that a bag of poo shes holding?

An elderly woman had to be taken out of a tree after refusing to leave what had become her new 'home'.

The 81-year-old from Chongqing, China, was first spotted by early morning exercisers. By this time she had set up a platform to sit on and even had rudimentary cooking facilities

She had also tied flags to the branches for decoration. In a bid to coax her down firefighters inflated a cushion and placed it at the bottom of the tree. 

But after three hours of failing to persuade the woman, several firefighters climbed the tree and forcibly removed her, carting her off to the police station.

What were these firemen doing? Standing at the bottom of the tree with a giant cushion going "here lady lady lady, come on jump down...meow!" The woman is 81! There's no way she's going to jump off a massive tree, even if she is mad and looks like Sean Connery at the start of The Rock. Also what do they mean by forcibly removed her? Did they slap on a head lock and drag her down or did they taser her and watch her plummet to the ground like a French satellite?

Source: metro.co.uk



The Insane Clown Posse have been around since the late 80's, in that time they have produced many successful and damn fine albums, promoted various (and often terrible) wrestling shows under their JCW banner and revealed themselves to be Christian after years of putting out incredibly violent and offensive music. All of this has led to them having a massive following of like minded lunatics called Juggalos who usually wear the face paint, the baggy clothes and throw stuff at other people performing on stage with ICP but then run from a real fight. All requirements to be classed as a gang by the FBI apparently,

Fans of notorious US hip-hop group Insane Clown Posse have been officially classified as a gang. A new FBI document has categorised the Juggalos as a "loosely-organised hybrid gang," citing the group's violence, criminal activity and "gang-like behaviour".

Fans of the Insane Clown Posse have called themselves Juggalos for more than two decades, developing a reputation for face-paint, Faygo soda, and a scepticism towards magnets. Although based in the United States – the ICP are from Michigan – it has become a worldwide movement; a UK Facebook page has more than 600 members.

Unfortunately for harmless fans of horrorcore rap, Juggalos are now officially "of concern to law enforcement," according to the FBI's 2011 National Gang Threat Assessment report. Juggalos have been tied to a string of recent crimes, including a shooting in January and the assault of a homeless man last year.

Oh dear, sounds like the Juggalos are not only weird, ice throwing cowards but they are starting to imitate the pansies from A Clockwork Orange, except with even more ridiculous outfits. If only the FBI could lock them in a warehouse with members of other real gangs and see what happens, I guarantee they get their asses handed to them by every other group, including The Women's Institute, The Brownies and a bunch of tired Hare Krishna's.

Source: guardian.co.uk


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