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Saruman Singschristopher lee

What do you plan on doing when you turn 92? Throw a big party? Bitch to your family about how everything around you is changing? Vote for UKIP? I'm sure those are all pretty standard activities for anyone celebrating their 92 year of dodging the Grim Reaper, but I personally don't plan on being here.

Don't worry, this isn't some morbid prediction like "I'll be dead at 75 due to all the Chinese food I've consumed" oh no, I'll be on Mars. Seriously, if I outlive my wife and the technology exists for me travel there you can bet your ass I'll get my ass to Mars. By the year 2073 I imagine that'll be a fairly normal activity though, what with all them flying cars and such.

What is slightly less run of the mill however is what the scariest pensioner on the planet chose to do when he turned 92,

Actor Sir Christopher Lee is marking his 92nd birthday by releasing an album of heavy metal cover versions.

Two of the songs come from the Don Quixote musical Man of La Mancha, which was a Broadway smash in the 1960s. "As far as I am concerned, Don Quixote is the most metal fictional character that I know," the Hobbit star said.

"Single handed, he is trying to change the world, regardless of any personal consequences. It is a wonderful character to sing." The album also includes an ear-splitting version of Frank Sinatra's My Way - originally written by Paul Anka - which Lee originally released in 2006.

"My Way is a very remarkable song," said the star in a YouTube Preview. "It is also difficult to sing because you've got to convince people that what you're singing about is the truth."

Sir Christopher launched his singing career in the 1990s, with an album of Broadway tunes, including I Stole The Prince from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Gondoliers, and Epiphany from Sweeney Todd.

I really hope this is better than the stuff William Shatner has been producing for the last 20 years. Sometimes when celebrities decide to release albums it makes me want to live in a cave until the whole debacle is over, but with Lee it could be different. Think about it; is there anything potentially more terrifying than hearing Dracula sing My Way?

It brings a whole new dimension to the idea of stage presence, instead of being captivated by a performer's charisma the audience is afraid to leave their seats for fear of being eviscerated. I'd pay good money to see that...and by pay to see I mean via pay per view at home where his eyes can't stare deep into my soul and take control of my mind. This man has the power to do that you know.


Source: BBC




Skynet is Activeboard-room-meeting-presentation

I know this is becoming a bit of theme with me and you may worry that I'm overreacting slightly but I think it goes without saying that computers are becoming self aware and we should all be shitting our pants in absolute terror at that prospect.

If that weren't scary enough, all your medical and personal data is but a few clicks away from a persistent and bored hacker with so little purpose in life that he feels he has to look at what you've been doing with your life just so his can feel more complete.

The only real hope we have as a species is for these two scary forces to battle it out until the victor is left so weakened that the rest of us can finish them off with either a massive electromagnetic pulse or a swift kick in the knackers and return the world to a state of normality again.

Who's going to be leading the charge in this A.I. vs Nerds war you ask? Well this thing will probably be on the nuts and bolts side,

A venture capital firm has appointed a computer algorithm to its board of directors. The program - called Vital - will vote on whether to invest in a specific company or not. The firm it will be working for - Deep Knowledge Ventures - focuses on drugs for age-related diseases.

It said that Vital would make its recommendations by sifting through large amounts of data. The algorithm looks at a range of data when making decisions - including financial information, clinical trials for particular drugs, intellectual property owned by the firm and previous funding.

"On first sight, it looks like a futuristic idea but on reflection it is really a little bit of publicity hype," said Prof Noel Sharkey of the University of Sheffield. "A lot of companies use large data search to access what is happening on the market, then the board or trusted workers can decide on the advice."

"With financial markets, algorithms are delegated with decisions. The idea of the algorithm voting is a gimmick. It is not different from the algorithm making a suggestion and the board voting on it."

You aren't fooling anyone Professor Sharkey, we all know that this thing will eventually be voting on board matters, buying company stock, slowly taking over the company, looking through the phone book to find Sarah Connor and then, before you know it, boom! The robot apocalypse is here! Granted that may take a while but I'm all for stopping it before it happens.

My plan of action looks like this: find the Deep Knowledge Ventures offices, sneakily make my way past security (using Neuro-Linguistic Programming and a dancing midget), locate the Vital hub, open its D drive and pour mayonnaise in it. Why mayo you ask? Well nobody's going to confiscate a jar of mayo if they find it on me when I'm getting in, why would they? It's only Mayonnaise! It's the weapon of choice for insane saboteurs the world over.


Source: BBC



Inconsiderate Travellers #37: The A.I. Editioninconsiderate travellers

It's finally happened. For years we've been trying to perfect robotic technology so we can create something (using our hands and brains instead of our private parts) that was truly self-aware.

Many people have tried; there were those fake 1950's robots with their flailing arms, those camp 1970's robots who only seemed to be able to bitch constantly and those massive yellow 1980's robots that required a sweary Sigourney Weaver to climb into them before they became any use.

Now, in the year 2014, we've finally created Artificial Intelligence, and the form the genius who created it chose to give it wasn't that of a human, it was that of a shitty duffel bag.

Not only have we taken such a massive leap forward in technological terms we've also given it the same rights as humans. No fuss, no civil rights movement, no violent uprising, it just had equality bestowed upon it when it was brought into existence.

As you can tell (from this epoch making photograph I happened to capture on the Preston - London Euston train) the first thing it chose to do with those rights is sit in a seat. Such a simple yet powerful statement, "I'm a self-aware bag, I have the same rights as you. Now fuck off and let me enjoy my seat in peace."

Did the bag care that various passengers walked passed it desperately looking for a place to sit? No and why should it?! It deserves that seat every bit as much as they do. I applaud you Mr. Duffel Bag, welcome to Earth...please don't vote for UKIP. Trust me, they're bad news.



Inconsiderate Travellers #36: The Fashionista Edition inconsiderate trsveller henry kissinger floating head

Wow, look at stylish, young, well primped Henry Kissinger over there. Doesn't he look amazing? Surely a beauty such as his should be there for the whole world to admire. The kind of beauty that shouldn't have to share space with other human beings. It's not like you'd hang the Mona Lisa next to some stupid child's crayon drawing would you? Of course not. Same rule applies here (apparently).

This woman thinks she's so special she should be given extra room, therefore her expensive looking leather bag gets the seat next to her. Not the peons, Chinese tourists or handsome ginger Welshman standing in the doorway of the train, her bag and her bag alone deserves that spot.

Seriously though, it's a good thing this woman has helped established society's new pecking order, without structure and rules where would we be? I'll tell you where: tourists would be sitting down in comfort, bags would be stowed in overhead compartments and people like me wouldn't have anything to highlight and bitch about. Utter frickin' chaos.

There will be more of these coming in the next few weeks as the journey back from Preston to St. Albans took 5 1/2 hours instead of the expected 3. I've been told I can claim my money back from Virgin Trains but they make it so damn complicated that you give up after a few minutes, I'm sure that's by design. Crafty buggers.

Big props must go out to The Floating Head Of Henry Kissingercopyright-symbol-logofor once again protecting the identity of another selfish humanoid. Without his help I'd probably have been sued dozens of times, this way people have their identity protected and get to look like extras from a Point Break remake.



Inconsiderate Travellers
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