What's this site all about then?

Batman unmasked, and his name is...Lenny

"I've got the home stretch all to myself when the readings stop making sense. I switch to manual...Bruce, this is Carol. You're going too fast!...but the computer crosses its own circuits and won't let go. I coax it. It isn't programmed to...Bruce! The engine, angry, argues the point with me. The finish line is close, it roars. Too close. The nose digs up a chunk of macadam. I look at it, then straight into the eye of the sun. This would be a good death." Oh shit, is that the cops?!

One crimefighter confronted another in this video of a traffic incident.

A man was pulled over dressed as the caped crusader in Montgomery County, Maryland, because his car had invalid numberplates.

He was told to put real numberplates on the Lamborghini, rather than a Batman sign. He said he was on his way to cheer up children on the cancer ward of a local hospital. The driver was not charged.

Damn right you didn't charge Batman with anything copper, if you had he'd have been forced to get physical and then jump into the Bat Mobile and disappear into the...erm...broad daylight. Besides it wouldn't be hard to find this thing if he did make a run for it, I know it's on false plates and all that but he's driving a black Lamborghini Murcielago! How hard would it be to find one of those in Montgomery County, Maryland? Unless that place is full Batman impersonators/Italian Super Car enthusiasts in which case it could be like Gotham only with Batman wannabes taking the place of the supervillians. Montgomery County sounds terrifying now doesn't it!

Source: BBC and Batman The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller

 

"And it burns, burns, burns! The ring of fire!"

It's strange that people are still afraid of trying unfamiliar food in the 21st Century. We are fortunate in the UK to have access to all kinds of food; Chinese, Indian, Mexican, French, Italian, Spanish, Thai, Australian, Tibetan, Peruvian, Iranian, Utopian, it's all available to devour in this country.

Surprisingly people seem to be more afraid of currys than anything else, like having something that has been perfected over many hundreds of years by the people who invented calculus could ever do you any real damage...wait, what did they put in that naan?

A naan bread made with the bhut jolokia pepper, which is used in Indian hand grenades, is being sold by curry house the Polash Restaurant in Shoeburyness, Essex, to raise money for charity.

The bhut jolokia pepper is used by the Indian military in its explosives - but now it is going in the bread dish, dubbed Naan But The Brave.

Bosses claim it measures more than 2million units on the Scoville scale, which is nearly the same strength as Tabasco sauce. The popular condiment ranges from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units, while a jalapeno pepper comes in anywhere between 2,500 and 8,000 units.

Why? Why do this?! Yes it's for charity and stuff and that's all very noble but what happens when the people descend on this place and consume their weight in dangerously explosive naan bread start to feel the after affects? You're going to need to set up another charity just so that the survivors of this meal can have their recovery funded, they might even get a telethon.

Still, I've lowered myself to eating potentially dangerous food before, on the last day of my 2nd year in Uni I'd run out of money and food so I ate 3 peeled raw potatoes for lunch. You might be asking yourself, "Why didn't you at least boil them first?" well there's a simple answer to that to: the kitchen was filthy and infested with flies. We lived like beasts, it's a wonder I made it to 30.

Source: i4u.com

 

Inconsiderate Travellers #8 and #9

Two for the price of one (hideously overpriced train ticket) on this trip! Oh would you look at this busy woman: she's got her laptop out and she's doing some important work, no doubt it's critical to the security of the nation, nay, the entire planet, otherwise she'd have taken the time to sit next to the plug socket (one of the cool new features on this rarest of rare things; a new Arriva train) and put all of her crap in the overhead compartment so that someone else could sit next to her and maybe help her finish the computerised plan she has devised to repel the secret alien invasion fleet! Oops, I've just blown her cover...thank God for The Floating Head Of Henry Kissingerfor saving her blushes and my bacon.

And now to the second instance just below. oh my, you look lost little bag. Where's your owner? What's that? He's gone to the toilet and left you wide open not realising that anyone could rifle through you or even steal from your mysterious insides! What a silly owner he is! I also notice he's left you in the aisle seat so that no one can sit by the window and ruin his already established arse groove. What a crafty owner he is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At least it tastes better than baby food

Mothers confuse me sometimes. Not the whole public boob feeding thing, that's all gravy. I'm talking about the laxidasical disciplining of naughty offspring, ignoring the fake tears to the annoyance of everyone else in the vicinity and the generally weird behaviour they use to placate a being that just cannot be reasoned with. I once saw a woman promise her child an early Christmas present there and then if it would behave itself while they were in the supermarket...this was in May.

All of those things are explainable when someone is at their whit's end, but can you explain this blog from Alicia Silverstone?

“I just had a delicious breakfast of miso soup, collards and radish steamed and drizzled with flax oil, cast iron mochi with nori wrapped outside, and some grated daikon. Yum!

I fed Bear the mochi and a tiny bit of veggies from the soup…from my mouth to his. It’s his favorite…and mine.”

If you're wondering, her child is about 11 months old, so it's only about an 8/10 on the creepy potential creation of a future serial killer scale. I'm sure future historians will look back on this point as the time when someone should have taken action and told her to stop being such a fruit loop, because her son would go on to tickle 10,000 cows to death or kidnap Spain or something equally as insane.

It doesn't help that she's made a video of the whole thing and posted it on the internet so that her A-Z of Parenting for the Mentally Hilarious can live on long after she's shuffled loose the mortal coil. Alicia Silverstone will no longer be remembered as the girl from Clueless and various Aerosmith videos, she's now the crazy lady who sicks food up into her baby's mouth like a freakin Chaffinch.

Source: wwtdd.com

 

Twats

So after 2 days and 4 emails Twitter have informed me, in the most ambiguous way possible, that my account will reactivated within the next 24 hours. No rhyme or reason was given for the suspension other than it wasn't anything malicious on my part so I can only guess that my account had either been hacked or Twitter got annoyed that I was using two apps to access the profile from my phone.

Either way I'll be spouting more unintelligible rubbish on there soon, and this time I won't be labelling spammers with the hashtag #Spammer any more since that appears to annoy the people at Twitter more than anything else in the world. They probably could stand bigoted/racist hashtags if no one made too much of a fuss about it and didn't talk about it on a website controlled by someone who doesn't take too kindly to being messed around. Oops. F U Twitter.

Soon to be active again @WhyAllTheAnger

 

Away Again

So while Twitter gets its head around suspending me for using more than one app to access it on my phone or something I thought I'd let you all know that I won't be on here on Monday because I am taking a short break...again.

Hopefully this time I will remember to take my laptop with me and won't leave it 4 days till I update again, but if you haven't heard from me by Tuesday evening assume that I've either A. Been abducted by aliens. B. been involved in a train crash which has caused me to develop amna...ammne forget who I am or C. left my computer at home again.

@WhyAllTheAnger assuming I haven't been hacked or suspended again.

 

 

 

The Coolest Baby Ever

Sorry I didn't post yesterday but I had work to do and I was watching trashy films and then, well...I fell asleep. I'm starting to turn into an old man geek, a Meek if you will.

So after taking my nap, smoking a pipe and complaining about foreigners while the Hovis music played in the background I opened my interweb thingy to see that these two whippersnappers were having a baby,

Television presenter Konnie Huq has said she is "chuffed to bits" after giving birth to a boy. Huq, 36, and husband Charlie Brooker, the comedy writer, have named their first child Covey Brooker Huq.

He was born 10pm on Friday night at an undisclosed central London hospital and weighed in at 6lb 2oz, Huq's agent Jonathan Shalit said.

Huq said: "A real cutie. We are chuffed to bits, he is absolutely gorgeous."

The former Blue Peter presenter married Booker, 41, in Las Vegas in 2010 after the pair dated for nine months. Huq had previously revealed she was keen to start a family soon after the pair married, but she had to put her plans on hold after landing a job hosting the Xtra Factor on ITV2.

Aww isn't this lovely! You've got Konnie Huq, one of the nicest people to ever host on a patronising kids TV show and Charlie Brooker who may be the best satirist alive today and now they have a son called Covey, possibly named after Stephen Richards Covey who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families or maybe not because, well, nobody knows who the fuck he is.

So not only is this child going to be gorgeous and nice (mostly thanks to Konnie) and very witty and frighteningly prescient (mostly thanks Charlton) but he will also have the ability to combine these skills to make him effective at taking the piss out of anyone who tries to steal the Olympic torch from him. That'll teach them to try to reenact a weird moment from his family's past, take that you bloody weekend warrior.

Source: telegraph.co.uk

 

Older and none the wiser

Do you know what happens to people in most professions who are crap at their job? They get canned, fired, pink slipped and, if they are really bad, blacklisted. They bloody well should be as well because all they are doing is impeding the progress of the people around them and the company they work for.

Sometimes though people slip through the cracks and continue to work at a very high level no matter how many times they drop the ball, literally in this case. It's hard to think of many famous examples but 3 names that instantly come to mind are Andrew Marr (who nearly sunk 'The Independent' and asked the Prime Minister if he was a drug addict without any proof to back up his question but somehow keeps getting offered work), Jennifer Aniston (who has the worst record of any other A-lister but keeps getting offered huge parts) and, of course, David James.

James started his career at Watford but really broke into the big time when he signed for Liverpool. He was seen was as an ideal replacement for legendary keeper and genuine nut job Bruce Grobbelaar but made so many mistakes in his time with the club that he earned the nickname Calamity James...from the clubs own supporters.

From there he meandered to Aston Villa, West Ham and Manchester City, each time making nearly as many high profile mistakes as first team starts. After a while he finally found his feet at Portsmouth where, at the tender age of 36, he started to live up to his early promise and became the best keeper in the Premier League.

After 4 years at Portsmouth and, with the club facing a financial crisis (which they seem to face every other week at Fratton Park), he left to join Bristol City in the 2nd tier of English football and settled back into his familiar pattern of inconsistent performances and high profile gaffs. Which brings us to today and the ultimate mistake...punching the ball into your own net, check out the video below. Bare in mind, this man won 53 caps at International level.

 

An adequate replacement

That right there is 25 year old former Emmerdale actress Jenna-Louise Coleman. Her other appearances have come in the form of Waterloo Road (where, at the age of 23, she played a school girl), a brief part in Captain America: The First Avenger and playing a cheeky Cockney in Julian Fellowes' version of Titanic. Oh and don't forget that while starring in Emmerdale she got all lesbotic with another actress in a storyline which, for a while anyway, was about the only reason for men to tune in.

It looks like her next role will be the difficult task of replacing the equally smoking Karen Gillan as The Doctor's assistant in Doctor Who,

It's been confirmed that young actress Jenna-Louise Coleman will be Dr Who's new assistant. 

Following in the footsteps of stunning flame-haired Karen Gillan, we think Coleman has got exactly what it takes to exterminate critics and show us what she's made of! She'll debut in the 2012 Christmas special, according to The Radio Times.

We reckon Coleman will have to show her tough side fighting sci-fi criminals from the trusty Tardis!

For the benefit of our friends in foreign lands who haven't had the pleasure of watching Doctor who yet the picture below is his current/soon to be ex assistant Amy Pond played by Karen Gillan:

 

 

Not to be too crude or anything but how many floppy haired aliens do you know could get tail of this standard? It's not like the Xenomorph in Alien was interested in fine girls, neither was ET for that matter; he seemed more interested in getting pissed than chasing girls.

I tell you it's amazing the Doctor ever managed to save the Earth and the Galaxy from the threat of evil with girls like this around. I know he says he's the last of the Time Lords and all that but I'm sure he's just saying that so his assistant doesn't go looking for a slightly less nerdy Time Lord with more money and a Tardis with a better sound system.

Source: msn.co.uk

 

Yeah, this isn't homoerotic in the slightest

Look at Davey and...umm...Mr. Obama over there, taking a walk through a lovely garden, sharing a joke, secretly trying to control their lustful urges for each other. It's like a political version of Brokeback Mountain. Seems as though the mainstream media have picked up on this steamy, raunchy affair now. Let the sauciness begin!

David Cameron has shed new light on the extent of the special relationship between the US and the UK by revealing Barack Obama tucked him up in bed aboard Air Force Once last week.

The prime minister told constituents in Witney that the US president offered him use of his bed on the plane when they returned to Washington after watching a basketball game in Dayton, Ohio, on the first day of his visit to the US.

'On the way back, it was about 4am UK time, so he said "David, why don't you use my bed and put your feet up",' Mr Cameron said at a business awards ceremony in Oxfordshire.

'So I duly did and Barack went to the back of the plane and explained to my private secretary and the team, he said "Don't worry, the British prime minister is fine, I've just tucked him up in bed".

'I don't think that's happened before.'

Oh come off it Camo, you can't say for certain that this has never happened before. How do you know that Tony Blair and George Bush didn't have a secret cuddle at Camp David (which was Cameron's nickname at Eton) or that Bill Clinton didn't successfully seduce John Major? You can never rule that one out because Clinton was an animal, he shagged everything.

While I'm suggesting stuff that may or may not have happened in the past I'd also like to suggest that Interpol take a look inside no. 10 Downing Street for Air Force 1 items that may have gone 'missing' recently. I'm sure they'll find Air Force 1 toilet paper, bath towels and emergency sex dolls stored somewhere if they look hard enough.

@WhyAllTheAnger

Source: metro.co.uk

 

Bruce vs Bruce

Aussie actors aren't exactly renowned the world over for being shy, retiring types. You might think they're loud and angry but I'm convinced that, most of the time, the crazy behavior is just harmless ribbing.

Whether it's that scamp Russell Crowe physically threatening a producer who dared to edit his acceptance speech or playful Mel Gibson revealing himself to be a possible anti-Semite with an alleged fondness for Uxoricide (the murder of one's wife) these guys know how to have a good joke! Am I right?! No? Huh, who knew.

So, all things considered, this latest display of macho bullshit isn't much of a shock,

HUGH Jackman couldn't be accused of having small man syndrome – except when his co-star is Russell Crowe.

The X-Men actor has been taking full advantage of fight scenes in their new movie Les Misérables, where he gets to punch Russ's lights out.

Hugh keeps asking to re-do the fight scene so that he can hit the Gladiator star again. A source said: "The crew find it hilarious as Crowe would obviously sweep the floor with Jackman in real life.

"Hugh keeps egging Russell on and winding him up but he's been getting his own back by calling Hugh a twirlie, which is showbiz speak for a singer/dancer."

Are you taking the piss?! You really think a talented but fat Oscar winner could beat up Wolverine?! Hugh Jackman has either been ripped or slender in nearly all of his films, in other words he was or is in peak physical condition. Crowe has either been normal sized or near Travolta proportions of doughiness in all of his films. Plus being a 'twirlie' means that Jackman is far more nimble and agile than a man who is only ever light on his feet when he's riding a horse. No contest, Wolverine dances around Robin Hood for 3 rounds, gets him tired and then smashes him into the ground. Now, if they were to fight it out in the hallowed and glorious sport of hot dog eating there's only one winner there.

Source: thesun.co.uk

 

Too scary for you junior

(Shh...shh) BOOO! Did you just poo yourself? If not carry on reading. If you did go and clean yourself up for God's sake you filthy beast,

A new ride at Alton Towers has been classified too scary for thrill-seekers aged under 12.

The new Nemesis Sub-Terra at Alton Towers Resort, which exists underground and is completely in the dark, has been given a 12A age rating in a bid to protect younger visitors from its terrifying effects.

For the first time in history, the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) has age-rated something other than a film or video game when it assessed the attraction.

Murray Perkins, senior examiner at the BBFC said that after experiencing the ride first-hand and in line with experience and public opinion, examiners decided to give the Nemesis Sub-Terra the age rating.

A part of me is really worried that the secretly more neurotic than they let on BBFC is trying to sneak more censorship into our already filtered and monitored lives. Another part of me though is thinking about going on this thing wearing an adult nappy to see if I pinch a loaf while being spun around at 60mph.

In all honesty it's not that surprising that people believe 12 year old's would be scared by this ride; the most terrifying things they confront on a daily basis in this country is acne, lethargy and the aggressive dog that charges at them while they walk to the bus stop in the morning. There shouldn't be a height requirement for this ride, just get them to fill out a tax return form two weeks before they get to Alton Towers. That'll prepare them for any horrors they may face on the coaster, "What's that Mr. giant floating skull? You're going to eat my brains?! Pfft, you're nothing compared to the monsters who work for the DOP."

Source: Yahoo news

 

Maybe? Hello Doug. Hiii Doug...IIIIII guess not.

From what I can tell by watching various rolling news channels being a reporter can be a difficult job. Your employers often send you to weird locations with little or no information as to why you're going there and, worse, make you stand around in all weathers while you feign enthusiasm for a subject you have little interest in.

If it were me I'd take any and all opportunities that arose to mess around, which I'm sure is exactly what this guy is doing. I'm sure he's not fallen asleep because media types have a tendency to push themselves beyond the point of break to stop young wannabes from stealing their spots.

Others might do that, but not this guy; he's a joker!

 

It's official: Harry Potter is good for your brain

All things considered J.K. Rowling has an excellent imagination. Think about it, who else could take old British actors and a inexperienced newcomers and turn them into instantly recognisable global stars thanks to crazy magic storylines? No one, that's who. Well, apart from George Lucas and Peter Jackson...Steven Spielberg...Stanley Kubrick, anyway I'm getting away from the point, these stories have captivated an entire generation of children and a good proportion of their parents.

Now it turns out the stories are so good they could be more effective than Mozart, Stickle Bricks and Cow & Gate at improving your child's development,

A study by researchers at Lancaster University has found that showing youngsters films that have a magical element can improve their imagination.

It concludes that there could be some educational benefit to exposing young children to books and films about magic. The small-scale study involved 52 four to six-year-old children. The youngsters were split into two groups and shown two 15-minute clips from Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone.

The first group saw clips with a "magical" content, such as witches and wizards performing spells, using wands and flying on broomsticks, while the second group saw scenes with the same characters, but without any of the magical content. Afterwards, the youngsters were given a series of tests, including acting out different scenarios, such as pretending to be a rabbit or a car; thinking of different ways to put a plastic cup into a bin, and to think of other uses for the cup, such as pretending it was a drum.

The six-year-olds were also asked to draw a series of real and non-existent objects. They were scored for their fluency - the number of alternative solutions they found, and their originality. For one test they were also scored on their imagination. The findings show that after watching the clips, the group who watched the magical scenes in general scored "significantly better" in all three areas than their peers in the other group.

This is awesome! Not because it will improve our knowledge of the early stages of development or help us expand the imaginations of an increasingly marginalised generation, oh no. It means parents can now sit their kids down in front of 8 long films and disappear to do their own thing, safe in the knowledge that what they are doing is as good as leaving them in school for the day! Thank you Hollywood!

Source: The AP

 

Pugly

I can stand lots of disgusting things in this world like exploded jelly fish, cat vomit and even Rebecca Loos manually masturbating a pig on TV but this thing...Oh god, it's so ugly..what is that woman doing with her hand?

When a beloved pet dies, good manners usually dictate saying something nice about the departed companion.

And for Yoda, it was a compliment to say she sure was ugly.

Yoda won the 2011 World's Ugliest Dog contest at the Sonoma Marin Fair for her short tufts of hair, protruding tongue, and long, seemingly hairless legs.

The Chinese crested and Chihuahua mix died in her sleep on Saturday. She was 15.

The 0.8-kilogram pooch had lived a rough life before Terry Schumacher found her abandoned behind an apartment building and mistook her for a rat.

The dog went on to win $1,000 and a trophy 15 times her size when she won the contest last June. Yoda and Schumacher became famous, appearing on national television.

Look at that things nose! oh God it's all kinds of wrong. It doesn't even look like a dog, it looks like the borrowers genetically engineered a creature using the DNA of a pig and a deer. It's in a better place now: dog heaven along with Old Yeller, all of the old Blue Peter dogs and the seeing eye dog that used to get David Blunkett to the hotel room of his mistress.

Source: telegraph.co.uk

 

A special Brand of violence

I've seen that look before: That is the look of absolute terror on the face of the man with the ever so slightly blurred out eyes. Who wouldn't be afraid of an angry, 6'2" foreigner with long flowing hair and legs that don't meet in the middle?

He's so afraid he's armed himself with the only things he could find to defend himself with; a cigarette and an iPhone. Neither of these were a particularly affective means of self-defense since Russell Brand, the warrior that he is, quickly disarmed his opponent and flung his weapons aside. Quite the swordsman isn't he,

New Orleans police issued a misdemeanor arrest warrant for Russell Brand on Wednesday in connection with the funny man's run-in with a photographer earlier this week.

Brand is accused of grabbing a photographer's phone on Monday and throwing it through the window of a law firm in downtown New Orleans. According to TMZ that resulted in the warrant being issued on Wednesday.

Brand, who is in town filming a movie, has not denied that he grabbed and hurled the phone. Earlier this week he responded to the flap by posting on his Rustyrockets Twitter feed, writing, "Since Steve Jobs died I cannot bear to see anyone use an iPhone irreverently, what I did was a tribute to his memory."

I'd be tempted to point out how ridiculous it is to pass the blame on to Steve Jobs if Jobs himself weren't prone to occasionally behaving like a mad scientist hell-bent on world domination. Still it could have been far worse for this poor razzi; Brand could have used some of his special Buddhist powers to kick this guys arse, powers such as compassion, finding the middle ground and inner peace, "Yeah! bring it on blurry eyes! I'm gonna use the power of compassion to kick your arse!"

Source: MTV.com

 

I Caved

I know, I'm a hippogriff hypocrite. I've signed up to Twitter as a bit of an experiment, follow me and we'll see where my wild, wonderful and jaded imagination takes my tweets. I see restraining orders from Dan Didio, Peter Molyneux and my local Chinese takeaway in my future.

@WhyAllTheAnger

 

 

 

Where's the Honeymoon suite?

Themed, cheap, a noisy shoe box next to a night club full of underage drinkers; any hotel room is a welcome sight after a long journey and the hassle you face at airports. Sometimes, if you've done your research and checked the place out thoroughly, you might stay in a hotel so good that you go back year after year because you have such a fun and relaxing time.

My ideal hotel would have a private swimming pool just for me, various meals prepared specifically to my personal tastes and a cinema room with a bed in case I fall asleep while watching classics like Weekend At Bernie's 2, Ready To Rumble and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. So basically The Playboy Mansion without all the T&A.

While I've been known to stay in some cheap places out necessity I've never once thought that staying in a prison themed hotel would be the ideal way to relax and unwind,

Travelers in London will be able to get a taste of life inside one of the world's most notorious detention facilities this week, as an Alcatraz-themed hotel opens for a limited time only.

The 'hotel' is based in London's Kings Cross and offers just four rooms, built as replicas of the cells in the famous US prison on Alcatraz Island in California.

Staffed by 'guards' who may lack some of the courtesy of traditional hotel receptionists (they demand to be called 'Sir', for a start), the 'Hotel Alcatraz' is set to place a premium on security, requiring mug shots on arrivals and asking inmates/guests to change their clothes for prison garb.

Rooms aren't luxurious, measuring 5' by 9' (1.5m by 2.75m) and containing just a mattress, two shelves and a prison-style sink and toilet, while food will be delivered by a nearby takeaway and served on metal food trays, drinking cups and uniforms sourced directly from the Golden Gate National Parks Conservancy in San Francisco.

Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea. Never mind the boredom, lack of privacy and piss stained mattresses, Alcatraz King's Cross might be the only hotel in the world where the main threat of death in the restaurant isn't the food, it's a shank made out of luxury soap and a sharpened tooth brush.

Source: news.yahoo.com

 

Auntie Hackers

Sorry I didn't post yesterday but I went on a massive walk and got heavily into Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and, well, you know how it goes when you're killing dragons, trolls and annoying goats left, right and centre. So I left the real world for a day, thinking that it could look after itself for a while, came back and look what happened: Iran went after the BBC!

Iran today hacked BBC Persian TV. The move is part of a broader attempt by the government to disrupt the BBC’s Persian service, according to BBC News. The BBC’s London office was inundated with automatic phone calls and the company’s satellite feeds into Iran were also jammed – while this only affected owners of illegal satellite dishes, these are of course the only ones that can receive the BBC signal in Iran.

The media organization released extracts from a speech confirming the attack, to be spoken by Director-general Mark Thompson tomorrow. Thompson is expected to use Wednesday’s address to the Royal Television Society to accuse Iran of trying to undermine the service.

While he will stop short of explicitly accusing Tehran of being behind the hacking, he will strongly suggest the country’s government is to blame.

“It now looks as if those who seek to disrupt or block BBC Persian may be widening their tactics,” Thompson will say. “There was a day recently when there was a simultaneous attempt to jam two different satellite feeds of BBC Persian into Iran, to disrupt the service’s London phone lines by the use of multiple automatic calls, and a sophisticated cyber-attack on the BBC."

"It is difficult, and may prove impossible, to confirm the source of these attacks, though attempted jamming of BBC services into Iran is nothing new and we regard the coincidence of these different attacks as self-evidently suspicious. We are taking every step we can, as we always do, to ensure that this vital service continues to reach the people who need it.”

This is a very odd way of issuing a response. Why bother giving a speech when you've already released the script before hand? Are they trying to assure a bigger turnout and more merchandise sales at the event or something? I don't know why the BBC are so shocked, the very fact that the only way Iranians can watch the channel is with illegal dishes tells you all you need to know. If the shoe was on the other foot and people in this country started putting illegal dishes on their houses so they could watch Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spout anti-western rhetoric, attend military rallies and perform Punch and Judy shows all day I'm sure the authorities would have something to say about that...actually that sounds like the kind of thing Channel 5 might commission...is Ahmadinejad free? Does he have an agent?

Source: zdnet.com

 

The End Game

I'm sure if you've spent any time reading the previous entries on this site you'll have realised a few things about me: I love Chinese food and Vimto, have a vast collection of comic books and have a passion for Wrestling that borders on the homoerotic. I also like computer games...a lot...it goes beyond a passing fad since I've been playing them constantly since I had an original NES and a copy of Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles to enjoy and use to occasionally enduce headaches.

I'm a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to buying them, I walk everywhere so it's actually more convenient for me to buy my games in shops like Game. The best part of that is watching people who clearly only work there because they're gamers themselves attempt traditional high street sales patter on games they know to be terrible. It's like witnessing a tired parent try to sell bath time to a stroppy 2 year old wearing their favourite Power Ranger outfit.

Since the rise of internet shopping, online community sites like Steam and auction sites, high street retailers have been fighting a tough battle but seemed to be doing ok since almost every time I went into Game there were dribbling idiots willing to spend £80 a week to feed their growing addiction. Surely with that kind of regular customer (the sort that only casinos, tobacconists and strip clubs usually have) Game's coffers should be full to the top right? Well apparently that's not the case,

Last November Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 became the fastest selling entertainment product ever, with excited gamers queuing at High Street stores to pay over £40 for their fix.

Spool forward to Monday, and the UK's best known games retailer Game Group has told its investors their shares may be worthless as it struggles to survive. So how do we reconcile these two pieces of news?

UKIE, the trade body for the UK games industry, described 2011 as "a challenging year for the boxed product video games market" with sales down 7% on the previous year. For High Street retailers like Game, it was probably even more challenging - the UKIE figures include online sales from the likes of Amazon and Play.com, and anecdotal evidence suggests that this is where gamers are directing more of the cash they spend on console games.

But what makes the outlook for any company trying to sell games on the High Street even darker is the fact that the digital revolution is finally sweeping through this industry. The industry has been able to hold on to physical sales for longer than seemed likely, but now digital downloads are gradually taking over, and, just as in the music business, that is leaving casualties behind.

That's a bit dramatic isn't it? 'leaving casualties behind'?! Man the BBC like to get flowery with their language. The fact of the matter is Game had a very straightforward product they barely had to push to make money on, they also had a great line in repeat business thanks to second hand trade ins and a good side in accessories.

All of that was fine 5 or 6 years ago but the company seemed to stall and made little attempt to fend off the Play.com's and Steam's of this world by offering a unique and different way of buying their product online. It shouldn't have been hard; just advertise the crap out of your website's offers for a year or so and undercut your competitors by offering the same rewards scheme that people already use when they buy in store.

It's that kind of business acumen that has made me the CEO of many successful companies in the past, like Enron, Pan Am and Chernobyl Nuclear Power Inc. I really need to get down to Game tomorrow before it goes under next week, I've still got £10 worth of points on my cards. I doubt the liquidators would honour that if I didn't spend it, they never do. Sods.

Source: BBC

 

He's robbing the cradle and she's robbing the grave

Who doesn't love Dick Van Dyke? He's an excellent dancer, a very underrated actor, a great physical comedian and one of the nicest people on the face of the planet.

He's like the world's grandad in that he just seems to be the kind of guy who's full of awe inspiring stories from days of yore and is always up for playing board games and showing you how to make stuff out of wood and discarded tin cans. "Come on Grandad Dick, lets play football!", "Ok Jimmy, but only if I can be in goal!" Yay! Grandad Dick rules (hehe)! Wait...why is Grandad Dick pointing at that woman's boobies?

Mary Poppins favourite Dick Van Dyke is a newly-wed again at the age of 86 - and his bride is 46 years his junior.

The Diagnosis Murder actor got hitched to make-up artist Arlene Silver, 40, in a ceremony on February 29th, with his publicist Bob Palmer saying yesterday: "I've never seen him happier. She adds a lot to his life."

And while it is commonly said an 'acceptable' age gap is half your own age plus seven, Van Dyke is by no means the only star to look outside his own generation for love...

The article then goes on to cite couples like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Rod Stewart and Penny Lancaster and Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones as examples of age gap marriages but this is in a different league to any of those. To put it into perspective for you: the age gap between these two is my exact age and that of my weekend employee (yes people, I have more than one job). That's two fully formed human beings between his birth and hers. Crazy. She had better be careful on the honeymoon, otherwise she might break his ole bamboo! YES! I've been waiting to use that joke on a Dick Van Dyke story for years! Thank you and good night!

Source: mirror.co.uk

 

Last Orders

Pfft, Prisoners aye. It's just wrong that they get things like a bed to sleep on, a tiny window to look out of and oxygen to breathe. I mean what next? Water on a regular basis?! Honestly, it's like we've decided to treat them like human beings all of a sudden.

Even more shockingly these people get food 3 times a day. FOOD! Sometimes if they're really lucky, like when they are about to be put to death by the state for example, they get to actually pick a meal. The bare faced cheek of it. Let's see what's on the menu for these "people" shall we,

The final meals of four Death Row inmates, from Timothy McVeigh's mint chocolate chip ice cream to Ted Bundy's steak, have been recreated.

They may seem like a criminal waste of food but these are the last suppers requested by four death row inmates hours before they met their maker. 

Not surprisingly most of them opted for comfort food, although Red Bull might have helped them fly. They have been recreated by photographer Henry Hargreaves who also used the correct cutlery for the era. Timothy McVeigh killed 168 people in the Oklahoma bombing in 1995. He opted to skip mains and ordered two pints of mint and chocolate chip ice cream. 

Ted Bundy had the traditional last meal and Victor Feguer had a single olive. ‘I only picked the most bizarre last meals such as the guy who ordered just a single olive,’ said Hargreaves, from New York. 

‘There’s been speculation on the significance of this, an olive is believed to be a symbol of rebirth. To be buried with an olive stone in your stomach is an interesting notion.’

Ted Bundy had the right idea, after all nothing works up an appetite like Necrophilia. Sex burns lots of calories as it is but when you add rigor mortis into the mix you've got a really knackering activity. It's interesting that Tim McVeigh went for a sugary treat instead of a meal, it's just more evidence of the decline of education and rise of commercialisation in America and the West in general...well that and the fact that he killed 168 people with a bomb.

Just for the record my choice for my last meal if I ever end up on death row would be a pint of vimto, a Chinese curry and for pudding the resurrection stone from Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows.

Source: The Daily Mail

 

James Cameron likes big cracks

James Cameron is a man of many talents, filmmaker, special effects genius and writer of some of the worst dialogue ever committed to screen. He's less known for being a well respected inventor/engineer and someone who has spent 3000 hours in deep sea dive sites. Now he's taking that one stage further,

James Cameron has announced his next major undertaking won't be a Hollywood blockbuster (though he does have those coming soon), but a dive to the world's deepest point, nearly seven miles below the surface of the ocean.

In the coming weeks, the director of "Titanic" and "Avatar" will climb inside the Deepsea Challenger, a single-pilot submersible vehicle he helped design, and dive to the Challenger Deep, the lowest point in the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean 200 miles southwest of Guam.

Once he's there he plans to spend six hours on the ocean floor collecting scientific samples and filming for a 3-D theatrical feature documentary that will also be broadcast on the National Geographic Channel.

"The deep trenches are the last unexplored frontier on our planet, with scientific riches enough to fill a hundred years of exploration," Cameron said in a statement.

That's not the full statement though, it really goes likes this, "The deep trenches are the last unexplored frontier on our planet, with scientific riches enough to fill a hundred years of exploration...and three lengthy movies that will make me a pretty penny! Oh yes! Mwhahahahahahaaaa!" he probably didn't though since I made that last bit up myself...actually I doubt he cackled quite so hard. While I'm knackered and not making much sense I might suggest to him that he prepare himself for going alone into a dark, cold and potentially deadly crevice by having sex with Madonna. That will replicate all the physical and psychological challenges he'll face down there very accurately.

Source: latimesblogs.latimes.com

 

Pig in the city

I haven't done one of these in a while so get ready for lots of cuteness and sweetness and heart warmingness. Now I know what you're thinking; that last one isn't even an adjective or a proper word for that matter but who cares because awww look at da ickle piggy :D

Guests at a hotel near Honolulu's airport found a suckling pig in the lobby, but it wasn't on the menu of the luau.

They called the Hawaiian Humane Society last week, when a 5-week-old female pig was found running around the lobby. It was unclear how the piglet ended up there.

Humane society spokeswoman Tasha Tanimoto says the pig is healthy and has been named Pukalani. She will be available for adoption once she's a little older. Tanimoto says the piglet is being bottle-fed by a volunteer.

Humane society officials aren't sure of the pig's breed, but a veterinarian suspects she will grow to be quite large.

Pukalani has been getting attention on the humane society's Facebook page, where a duck is also advertised for adoption.

Oh my God, a duck and a piglet?! I want to adopt them right now! Imagine how cool it would be to have a duck and a pig running around your garden, cuddling up to you, growing up, getting all fat and...juicy and...succulent...I'm sorry I have to end this now I'm dribbling on my keyboard. Where's that takeaway menu?

Source: The Jamestown Sun

 

Attention Apple zombies: prepare to wet yourselves

Look kids, it's Apple CEO Tim Cook about to be attacked by a giant new iPad! Not only does the new iFad iPad have better definition than an HD TV but it also has ninja like skills which allow it to sneak up on its prey and devour them whole. That's the big selling point this time around anyway; stealth attacks,

Apple has unveiled its latest iPad tablet, boasting a 2048x1536 high-resolution retina display with 4G capability, which will go on sale on March 16 from £399.

The technology giant’s CEO Tim Cook took to the stage in San Francisco on Wednesday to unveil the eagerly-awaited third generation iPad, claiming the new device will take tablet computers to a ‘whole new level’. 

The screen on the new 9.7in iPad features 3.1million pixels - over one million more than an HD TV - with the tablet possessing the new Apple A5X chip with Quad Core graphics.

The tablet also comes with a 5megapxel iSight camera, capable of 1080p HD video.

The new iPad, which will apparently go by that name, goes on sale on March 16, with pre-orders already being taken - although Apple is still in the process of updating its online store, with a message declaring: ‘We'll be back soon. We are busy updating the store for you and will be back shortly.’

Man, Apple are so excited about 'The New iPad' they are repeating themselves in the statements they are putting out on their own websites! Still this will get all the usual suspects frothing at the mouth and shelling out £400 for a 16 gig tea tray with no USB port. I mean just take a look at this dumbass below,

"Wow! It's all little and flat and stuff. I have to have it! Quickly, take a quart of my blood and one of my fingers, that's enough for the cheapest model right?"

I felt like the only person on the planet who wasn't being sucked in by this ridiculous example of profiteering...until I read the comments just below the article, the best ones were:

'I want Tim Cook to come out and just say "We have a new iPad, it's better. Order it today.", then drop the mic and walk off the stage.'
Zach Waugh
'The iPad HD is going to revolutionize the way you play pointless games while pooping.'
Funny Or Die

And my personal favourite

'A new iPad. A new generation of people who'll buy an iPad, use an iPad for three weeks and then realise that they prefer their laptop.'
Stuart Heritage

You got that damn right. The only thing I ever want to spend £399 on is enough Chinese food to put me in an early grave, a grave that costs £398 and comes with two USB ports. Suck it Tim Cook.

Source: metro.co.uk

 

Disney just don't get it

Even though it's a saying that has been around for years I still hear a lot of people frustratedly mumbling the phrase, "It's Political Correctness gone mad!" when they are called out on something or told that what they have just said or done is inappropriate. It's usually said by people who desperately want to say any stupid thing that pops into their heads no matter how racist or discriminatory it is.

Rarely though, do you get a situation where an entire company, nay, International Corporation drops the ball on such an epic scale as this. I don't need to tell you how worrying it is that this product made it all the way through the company and got on to store shelves before someone picked up on it.

Maybe George Lucas should follow suit and use his characters to advertise products linked to the stereotypes other people have theorised his creations are based on. Watto the pawn shop owner could advertise bagels, the Neimoidian's could advertise sushi and Jar Jar Binks could be used to sell jerk chicken. Oh no wait he'd never do that, because he's not that ignorant. George Lucas is less racist than Disney. Yay!

Source: gawker.com

 

Oh what a scamp!

Practical jokes are really really funny! Let me tell you, I was quite the prankster back in the day. There was this one time when I saw a drunk shouting abuse at families on the beach and making a general nuisance of himself so I cheekily called the police on him, man you should have seen the look on his face when he was hauled into the back of the van! Oh priceless!

But not everyone can be as civically minded with their practical jokes as I am, other people like to cause major incidents with them,

(I apologise in advance for the terrible grammar and spelling in the following quote from blogs.loughboroughecho.net/goaltastic)

BELGIAN prankster Eden Hazard held up an international flight with a totally hilarious hijink.


The Lille midfielder, while queueing up for his outbound flight from his nation's draw with Greece, decided to liven up proceedings by stealing teammate Nacir Chadli's £6,000 watch from the meal detector trays.


Of course, Chadli became a little annoyed when his expensive watch went missing, as did the airport security when accused of stealing a watch. The whole rib-tickling, side-splitting episode caused the flight to be delayed by 30 minutes, and many of the squad missed their connecting flights. Belgium manager Georges Leekens said: "This is proof that the atmosphere in the group is excellent."

Dear God, what appalling writing skills. Never mind the muddled writing style, the lack of editing in this piece is staggering and this is coming from someone who, even after 3 rewrites of a story, isn't happy with the end result. I mean what the hell is a meal detector? Surely that's just your eyes and nose? Anyway, away from the damning evidence of our declining school system we get a chance to see a perfect example of a practical joke getting out of control.

It reminds me of a story from the crazy world of wrestling in the late 1990's; 'Mr. Perfect' Curt Henning was a brilliant worker and an excellent talker, he was also a legendary prankster who's practical jokes have entered folklore ever since his premature death in 2003 at the age of just 44 from acute cocaine intoxication.

One such prank took place in 1998 when WCW decided to sign The Ultimate Warrior (a massively popular act in his heyday and an even bigger headache for everyone in his general vicinity) and enter him into a feud with Hulk Hogan by having him emerge through a trap door in the ring and surprise Hogan. This required The Warrior to be brought down the aisle in an innocent looking box and secretly sequestered under the ring for an hour before the match, not a pleasant experience given that the space under the ring is about 3 foot tall and filled with tools and equipment.

On one of these occasions The Warrior was set to be joined under the ring for the surprise attack by two of Hogan's then allies: Curt Henning and Scott Norton who, in the storyline, were going to follow him through the trap door and sneak attack him to help further the feud with Hogan. Knowing that he would be under the ring with two fellow wrestlers for a long time Henning took it upon himself to take some laxatives, hoping that the hideous fumes he would produce as a result would lead to much amusement and giggling while they waited for their cue to pop up through the trap door and begin the angle. Unfortunately Henning took a few too many laxatives and ended up suffering what can only be described as epic diarrhoea under the ring forcing both The Warrior and Scott Norton to razz their guts up and the poor ring crew spending half the night hosing the entire area down afterwards.

This is what happens when you take things too far. At least none of the Belgium players got arrested as a result of this joke, it would have taken the police hours to pat down Marouane Fellaini's hair.

Source: The hopeless Isaac Ashe of blogs.loughboroughecho.net/goaltastic/2012/03/footballing-hazard-holds-up-fl.html

 

Melvin? Melvin Udall?

That's Jack Nicholson, everyone knows the man in that picture is Jack Nicholson because, it is in fact, Jack Nicholson. He has starred in some of the greatest films of all time, been nominated for 12 Oscars and become legendary for his partying and womanising. If you're going to impersonate anyone it really shouldn't be Jack. And we cut to reveal,

An alleged Brazilian fraudster has been arrested after being caught attempting to open a bank account using a photograph of famous Hollywood actor Jack Nicholson on a false ID. 

Ricardo Sergio Freire de Barros used one of the world's most recognisable faces in an attempt to fool bank staff, who immediately saw the flaw in the chancer's preposterous plan and notified police officials. 

Amazingly the 41-year-old, who had been under police investigation, had managed to evade capture for over three weeks despite his obvious lack of criminal cunning. 

Brazilian police later confirmed: 'There is no resemblance between the suspect and actor'. Mr Barros at least made some small attempt to hide his identity by signing the government-issued ID under another name. At the time of arrest he was found to have in his possession five other IDs, 36 cheque books and four credit cards.

In case you're interested this is what Ricardo looks like.

It's not the best Nicholson likeness I've ever seen, he just looks like...well a fat Brazilian dude. I can't believe this guy got away with it for as long as he did, what were his 5 other ID's; Jude Law, Charlie Sheen, Grace Jones, The Ultimate Warrior and Uatu the Watcher? Still it could be worse, if he was in the UK the police would probably just blow his brains out on the tube when he was going to work or something. Seriously, Brazilians on the tube is like a safari hunting trip to the London Metropolitan Police.

Source: The AP



 

 

 

Inconsiderate Travellers # 7: The Worst One Yet

Look! LLLLOOOOOKKKK!! A line has been crossed! Inconsiderate Travellers has hit a new low. Never mind members of the public, this is a VIRGIN TRAINS EMPLOYEE blocking the seat next to her with her bag. It's not like anyone's going to ask her to move it, shes the boss of the train or something. You might think, "well it's only on the aisle seat, she'll move it if someone asks." Nope, she fell asleep within seconds of this picture being taken, thereby negating any chance a rando might have of prizing the seat away from her precious bag.

I hope Richard Branson sees this and sits her down in an interrogation room and grins at her non-stop until she cracks. I swear that dude smiles like Pennywise the clown. Once again thanks to Henry Kissinger's head for protecting this woman's anonymity. I would use a black blur but that wouldn't inspire quite as much respect now would it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a goldfish

Checklist for short getaway:

Clothes Tickets Inhalers ToothbrushPhone Charger Phone

Massive Soap Bag Confusing Gary Oldman Oscar Film

Laptop containing all my work and access to my website which I promised to update

Sorry folks! For those of you who didn't know I am notorious for having the worst memory in recorded history (and for being very handsome). I really cannot apologise enough, sorry! For those of you who already know me add it to the list of instances I've forgotten something like your birthday/wedding/funeral.

Sowwy :(

 

 

 

Because there's more to life than hyperbole, picking sides and keeping 69 large pets in your four bedroom house. It's wrong no matter how hilarious that number is.
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