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Make that bitch your bitch you bastard!drag-queens-brawl

Beauty pageants are old, like really really old. I have done some thorough research and discovered that the ancient Romans used to hold beauty pageants in gladiatorial arenas before the fights started.

Sadly the prize for the winner was the honour of fighting their next bought without a face guard so the crowd could admire their natural beauty before watching them be mercilessly slaughtered by their tougher, older and much uglier opponents...and a lion.

Still that was 40,000 years ago or something, things have improved since then.

Nowadays beauty pageants end with the winner crying, being showered with fake platitudes and screwing it all up by posing for a few naughty photos or shagging one of the judges. Although sometimes the old ways creep back into the mix.

Wow, look at those two go. It must be pretty hard to fight in heels and tight dresses, no wonder this pair are pulling at each other's extensions, it's the only way to get a good footing.

Does this incident mean that we now have to have Jerry Springer level security at these things? Because the sight of large security guards will ruin the arousal caused by watching some gorgeous airheads wander around in bikinis while telling the judging panel that if they could change anything in the world it would be the "situation in the Gaza Strip Mall".



Inconsiderate Travellers #32: The Confectionery Editionyorkie-chocolate-bar

Rarely do you find a small to medium sized city in the UK that has 2 train stations, fortunately for me my home away from home St Albans does. There's the mainline station which gets you to central London in 20 - 40 minutes and the 150 year old Abbey Line station which goes backwards and forwards to Watford Junction all day long.

The Abbey Line is a pretty little station with a tiny car park and a metal kiosk that's usually only open in nice weather during morning hours. I've had stuff from there before but on this specific occasion I wanted my chocolate of choice: a god damn Yorkie.

So currency was exchanged, smiles were shared and I wandered off to the nearest bench to chow down on my milk chocolatey treat. For reasons which I cannot fully explain I decided to check the sell by date and realised, to my horror, that the delightful little pudding was A FULL MONTH past its expiration date. That wasn't the end of it either; the chocolate looked curdled and was covered in mold.

What kind of irresponsible shop keeper doesn't change his confectionery for weeks at a time? Fearing an open air debate with a less than cautious vendor might end in a violent, city destroying confrontation ala Man of Steel, I managed to get myself back up in the form of two rather burly looking police officers who just happened to be waiting for a train in full uniform.

Flanked by Danno and Steve I confronted Mr. forgetful over the problem and he immediately refunded me, closed the kiosk and jumped in his car to make a hasty retreat (actually it was the end of his day but that sounds less dramatic). The two bobbies laughed as did the people in the surrounding area, some of whom I posed the following dilemma to, "Would he have refunded me if I wasn't with two police officers?" Probably not. People be warned: never buy food from a kiosk that could double as a fallout shelter.



Get ready for the cuteness!newborn-panda-baby-cute

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god........................ Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

A giant panda has given birth to twins, the first pair of the endangered species born in the world this year.

The China Conservation and Research Center for the Giant Panda in Sichuan province said the panda named Haizi gave birth to the two cubs 10 minutes apart on Saturday.

Staff at the centre, which is part of the Wolong Nature Reserve, said one cub is a female and weighs 79.2 grams (2.79 ounces).

Haizi has yet to release the other cub from her embrace for it to be weighed.

Giant pandas have difficulty breeding, with females fertile for only two or three days a year.

There are around 1,600 pandas in the wild around the world. They are critically endangered due to poaching and development.

More than 300 live in captivity, mostly in China’s breeding programs.

Don't judge me for melting at the sight of this not quite fluffy yet Panda, when I travel home tomorrow from my break down South there will be a King Charles Spaniel puppy waiting for me. The pictures that I've seen all week have only made me more of a big softy, so the likelihood of a story like this appearing on my website were always going to be quite high.

Big softy or not the temptation to break into the Wolong Nature Reserve, steal the panda and raise it and my new puppy as sisters is overwhelming. I guess love makes you do crazy, illegal and possibly international incident inciting things huh?


Source: Metro


Alert: Super spoilersman-of-steel-poster

I don't normally do reviews of films (because I believe everyone should form their own opinion) but Man of Steel is more than just a normal film, it's a comic book film! I know they're as common as muck these days but this one is a bit different.

After 2006's poorly received mess Superman Returns - or Emo Superman as Ralph Garman called it - didn't make a big impact at the box office it seemed like the film industry, and the audience, had all but given up on Superman films.

As a result of that (and other reasons I have outlined below) when Man of Steel was announced I was actually quite skeptical. I mean Zack Snyder isn't the most consistent of directors and Superman is difficult for audiences to relate to because he's virtually indestructible and about as vanilla as superheroes get.

It's also hard to find a Superman story fit for the screen that doesn't involve a camp turn by Lex Luthor, who has been a dark monster for years in the comics but a hammy weirdo on screen since his inception.

On top of all of those long standing reasons for trepidation was the added shit snack of some of the real reviewers being less than kind when describing Kal El's latest adventure. Just a couple of those would be enough to scare off even the most hardened fan so I was understandably quite nervous going into this one. Thankfully my concerns were cast aside after the first 30 minutes or so because Man of Steel is tons of fun.

Completely fucking insane from start to finish MOS features spectacular fight scenes, a healthy dose of pathos, Michael Shannon scowling so much his head nearly explodes and a different version of the origin story which is less messy than some critics would have you believe.

Yes the rampant, worldwide destruction goes on a bit too long and Lois Lane appears to have the ability to warp to wherever Superman is at any given moment (due to some poor editing decisions) but this film is exactly what a Superman/comic book film is supposed to be: loads of fun without being camp and patronising.

I would highly recommend you watch this in the cinema so that you can experience the bone crunching fight scenes and beautiful wide shots in the medium they were intended to be seen. Another reason to go and see it would be the reuniting of Matrix characters Morpheus and Lock, not something a lot of non geeks will have picked up on but it made me chuckle.



ITV, flogging dead horses for 15 yearsbirds-of-a-feather-tv-show-program-new-series-itv

Ever wondered what happened to original/new programming or ideas on TV? It should be hard to explain why original shows have steadily disappeared in the last 15 years, but it really isn't.

The fact of the matter is since the advent of digital TV and the rise of the internet major commercial broadcasting corporations have become scared of taking risks.

They've watched their audiences contract from tens of millions during prime-time in the 70's and 80's to a few hundred thousand or maybe 4 million if they're lucky nowadays.

It could be because they've relied on the same outdated formulas they've used to great success for nearly 50 years, whereas the internet is user driven, innovative and, above all else, totally fearless.

It could also be because when the great exodus started the companies, in a blind panic, decided to cater more towards the audiences they knew were less inclined to seek out change and dangerous programming; baby boomers and the elderly.

If I were in a generalising mood (which I usually am) I'd say that this particular demographic love watching shows and formats they remember from when they were young, nostalgia is like crack to these people.

That being the case, if you know anyone that fits into those categories and who still watches mainstream TV prepare for them to go on a massive nostalgia bender.

Hit sitcom Birds Of A Feather is to return to TV after 15 years but will appear on ITV, which has signed up the original BBC cast and writers.

It stars Pauline Quirke and Linda Robson as sisters sharing an Essex home while their husbands are in prison, with Lesley Joseph playing their lusty neighbour, Dorien Green.

It will be written by creators of the show Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran.

An ITV spokeswoman said they were "really excited" about the show.

"We can confirm that we have commissioned a new series of Birds Of A Feather ," she said. "We're really excited to be welcoming Sharon, Tracey and Dorien to ITV. We will confirm more details in due course."

The BBC confirmed it was offered the show and had said it would broadcast a one-off special, but the show's producers took up ITV's offer of a series instead.

Maybe my initial assessment was unfair because in time everyone, no matter who they are, yearns for what they're familiar with. I'd like to think that if a new series of The Mentalist was produced 25 years down the line I'd have the common sense to say, "this is exploitative and lazy" but who knows where my head will be a quarter of a century down the line.

As far as ITV is concerned they have no excuses for doing this other than fear and desperation, the combination of which is a stinky cologne. Here's hoping the revenue from this show is pumped back into producing new and innovative shows aimed at a larger and more varied audience. It could happen, then again I'm not going to hold my breath.


Source: BBC


The disappearing act is backkissing-pidgeons-cute-birds

So it's that time again where I make a break for the border and head over to England again. Is it for work? Is it for pleasure? Is it to stare at pigeons while they make out? I'll never tell.

All I can say is while I'm away I'll be acting as a tour guide, seeing the Superman film, going to London a fair old bit and possibly even taking in a gig.

If any of you have resisted the urge to visit London let me describe it to you: it's a fortified, subterranean city with giant mechanic gun ships and giant caves for people to dance around in...oh no wait that's Zion in The Matrix, never mind.

The rules are as follows: I won't be updating my site tomorrow (Tuesday 18th of June) or the following Tuesday (25th of June) as I'll be taking the train as per usual.

You know what that means right? Yep, there's a possibility of some good old fashioned Inconsiderate Travellers action!

I will hopefully update as normal throughout the week although that may not always been possible, just check back when you can and if you don't see a picture of two pigeons snogging at the top of the page chances are I've updated.



About bloody timedebenhams-lingerie-model-airbrush-campaign-ban-sexy-hot-underwear

At what point was Airbrushing invented? At what point in the history of marketing and pervertedness did someone say "Man I wish this girl was more skeletal"?

Most guys wouldn't have ever complained if the image on the left had been the industry standard for decades.

I also question the financial motivations as I'm sure airbrushing doesn't boost sales one iota.

You see, when it's done properly most people can't tell if an image has been airbrushed at all, rendering the entire exercise pointless.

Of course this debate has been going on for years with women's groups raising the valid point that it only continues a worldwide problem of unrealistic portrayals of the body beautiful.

Look at the model on the left: if that isn't good enough for some perfectionist photographer or editor then they need to have a long hard look in the mirror at themselves, because it's them that has imperfections, not the model. Fortunately the times they are a changing, and leading the major brand charge is Debenhams with this about turn in policy.

Debenhams is to stop airbrushing pictures of lingerie models to make them look perfect.

From now on the store will ban any digital enhancement of their legs, waists and breasts in its catalogues.

And it has vowed to keep in crows’ feet around the models’ eyes, freckles, skin blemishes and even signs of bingo wings.

The chain hopes the move will promote more confidence among women as research shows seven out of ten feel under pressure to look as good as fashion ads.

Head of lingerie Sharon Webb said: “We want to help customers feel confident about their figures without bombarding them with unattainable body images.

Debenhams’ crusade comes after pop diva Beyonce slammed fashion chain H&M for downsizing her curves to make her appear thinner in her range of swimwear.

H&M restored the original images.

Wow, look at H&M fold like a cheap poop bag. Beyonce throws her weight around (pun intended) over some pictures and they run for the hills because they don't want any Illuminati based recriminations. The best course of action would be to tell Beyonce to go fuck herself, stick to their guns, be shown up as the pig headed arseholes they are, go into receivership because of a public backlash and have to sell off all of their fantastic, well made pants at a massive discount to me. That's best for everyone really.


Source: The Mirror


Smaug the angry dragon...smaug-dragon-the-hobbit-sequel

...lives in lots of gold. Lazy sod. Just sticking a nostril out of his shiny bed. He's like a mopey bloody teenager only giant and prone to rage fuelled temper tantrums. So basically still a teenager then.

The reason I've gone on a fictional dragon tangent is because the trailer for The Desolation of Smaug is out and it makes the sequel to The Hobbit look pretty bloody exciting.

It's got familiar faces, fight scenes, pretty countryside (a prerequisite in Tolkein films) and a big freakin' dragon voice by Benedictorius Cumberbatchion.

I'm sure this installment will add to the Tolkein film treasure chest which already has just over $5 billion in it and growing. That'd be enough gold for any dragon to roll around in until the day it died. Anyway, enough about gold and dragons, here's the trailer...do you think that Smaug poops gold? it stands to reason really; he must have accidentally ingested some coins at some point. Dragon or not pooing out gold coins has got to hurt.



Just like a Disney filmcute-baby-sea-lion

Aww look at that little bugger over there. Isn't he/she/it a cute fuzz ball?! Those sleepy eyes, those big feet-like flipper things, them long whiskers, all the key ingredients in a cutie muffin pie.

Shame none of that matters because, at the end of the day, that gorgeous little baby is still a wild animal. If you went up to it and tried to stroke it the damn thing would either bite your hand off, go for your exposed jugular like a fucking Honey Badger or be so tainted by the stench of your love that it's mother might chase it off.

That's why there were signs at that zoo I went to down south. Even though the zebra's looked friendly and came over to me in a playful manner they had only one thing on their mind: murder most horrid.

I've even held a tired sloth and been worried for my safety, in between swooning at all the nuzzling and contented noises it was making of course.

About the only time you're safe to enjoy the company of wild animals is when they approach you in a controlled environment. Like this sweet baby sea lion who is dead set on doing its best Billy Zane in Dead Calm impression for these yacht owning bastards.

It sneaks onboard, feigning affection only to throw the husband overboard and have its way with his wife. It's not cute, it's a Machiavellian genius. You don't see that bit of course but I'm 100% certain it happened.



Oh screw you Microsoft!xbox-one-microsoft

Remember how much fun your first games console was? That is assuming you actually had one and not marionettes or something equally lame.

I remember playing my NES for hours until my thumbs had blisters on them so big people just assumed I had warts for the first 10 years of my life.

As the years have gone by I've stuck with consoles for the most part, but I'm not an early adopter of the whichever social life destroying machine has been unleashed that year.

I didn't buy my original xbox until 2004, a full 3 years after the platform was launched. Even then I bought a second hand console that was pretty knackered already (for a miniscule £50) and it's still being used as a DVD player in my bedroom.

I also got my xbox 360 second hand for about £150, in fact I don't think I've ever paid full price for a games console. It's not because I'm cheap it's because...ok I'm cheap, but at least now I won't be alone anymore.

Microsoft has announced the launch date and price for its new Xbox One.

The new console will go on sale in November this year, with an recommended retail price of £429 in the UK, $499 in the US and 499 euros.

The announcement was made during its keynote opening event at the E3 games expo in Los Angeles.

Rival console manufacturer Sony said its console would be out "holiday 2013", although no official date has been set.

If both the PlayStation 4 and the XBox One go on sale in November this year, it would be the first time the two rivals have launched simultaneously. Previous consoles were released at least a year apart.

Oh just fuck right off. £429? In a recession?! Are you mad? How many design consultants did you pay to ugly up that thing to justify such a hefty price tag? Honestly, I paid less than that for my car, and that thing won't be out of date in 5 years time because it'll be lucky if it isn't scrap by then. You really expect people to fork out that much money when they're only going to have to hand over even more to buy it in conjunction with a game!?

Pure insanity, this is something of a make or break moment for games consoles; if they launch big and flop due to excessively high prices that could well be it for a very long time in terms of new releases from major companies.

A situation like that might see an increase in the number of people playing games exclusively on PC's and greater exposure for brilliant indie games like Game Dev Tycoon, Prison Architect and Jeremy Paxman's Fun Time Mexican Safari...well except that last one, I made that one up.


Source: BBC


Man that's a lot of meat pattiesrhino-funny-animal-parody-bbq-adopt-man

Look at that horny bugger on the right there. He might seem all cute and cuddly but get too close to him/her or his/her babies and you'll have a horn through your leg quicker than you can say, "why did I think it was a good idea to pet a rhino?!"

Yep they're vicious all right, they're also pretty rare these days because they've been poached (mmmm...eggs) to the point of extinction.

There are loads of charities out there who look after rhinos and even set up sanctuaries for them, but that hasn't haulted their decline into the lazy Panda realm of existence.

There have been a few unusual ways people have used to raise money for them over the years, like those two nut jobs who run the London Marathon in full rhino costume only to lose about 2 stone through sweating whenever they run it.

If only there were easier and more fun ways of raising money for these cute/fugly creatures...maybe a way that involved eating. All the time. That's the dream isn't it?

Come rain or shine, a keen cook is to hold a barbecue every day for a year to raise enough money to adopt a rhino in his homeland of South Africa.

Mat Hartley, 31, of South Park Road in Wimbledon, loves a traditional outdoor barbecue so much that he will do one every day – and refuses to let the unpredictable British weather deter him from his mission.

He said: “I love to braai [the South African way of cooking a barbecue] and, after many debates of whether or not it was possible to braai every day for a year in the UK, I have decided to take on the challenge.

“As a South African, we take our braai very seriously. I pretty much braai every day anyway, through the snow, whatever, and my mates said I couldn’t do it, but I’ll make it through to the end, no problem.

“I was taught how to braai just after learning to walk. The braai is in our blood and it pains me to watch someone struggle to light a fire and, even worse, ruin a good piece of meat.”

The challenge has been going strong for two weeks now, but Mr Hartley has proved he is nowhere near running out of ideas – having cooked everything, from pizza to chicken curry pie on the braai.

He said: “I love a bit of steak. I could eat steak every night, but my other half has told me I have to vary my recipes. But she’s loving life – she doesn’t have to cook and there’s less washing up.”

Brilliant, this sounds like every man's dream diet, but his lady does have a point; if you eat that everyday for a year you might raise enough money to adopt a rhino but you wouldn't live long enough to see it as you'd probably drop dead of congestive heart failure at day 330.

Also there's only so much grilled meat you can enjoy, I don't know about you, but a year of eating nothing but barbecued meat would be about enough to turn me vegan...for a while at least. The smell of a butchers is sometimes too much to resist. especially if they're selling selected 'foreign' meats that may or may not be rhino in the first place. Altogether now: "The Circle of Life!"


Source: Your Local Guardian


Documentaries aren't always cheerfulblackfish-film-documentary-poster

Ever seen one of those heartwarming documentaries that has moments of melancholy but ends on a high note usually to make you feel better about choosing it over Iron Man 3? This ain't one of those documentaries.

Blackfish, which has won all kinds of accolades despite being a CNN documentary, is about the death of a trainer at Seaworld after an Orca went into a psychotic rage and did its best Moby Dick impression.

It looks like the film then takes a weird turn as the inquiry into Seaworld becomes very cloak and dagger.

Various people talk about the poor treatment of the whales and the cruelty with which they are captured, while being constantly contradicted by Seaworld officials who seem to be set on blaming the trainer who died.

I've been to Seaworld before and had absolutely no idea that the Whales were kept in such cramped conditions. I thought they had a lagoon to swim around in when they weren't splashing people for fish.

I might be judging Seaworld too harshly though, there's really no way of knowing whether the documentary is 100% accurate or impartial, especially when you consider it was made by CNN who don't have the greatest track record in either field. Nevertheless this looks like a fascinating film, I'll be watching it and then never going in the water again. I'll probably even swear off swimming pools, they might look clear but you never know if a mental whale is hiding in there.




Dude looks like actually is a ladyhong-kong-bay

I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to visit The Sun's website.

Maybe I needed my monthly fix of uninformed/rage induced journalism, maybe I wanted to read private details about celebrities that may have been attained by nefarious means, maybe I wanted to read a hatchet piece about someone that included every single trivial misdemeanor they've ever been accused of.

It could be any or all of those really, who knows how my bored mind works.

So while I was flicking through the stories about evil criminal masterminds and drug dealing celebrity hotties I stumbled across this confusing bit of insanity.

A 66-YEAR-OLD man who went to the doctors with stomach ache got a shock - when he was told he was actually a WOMAN.

Stunned doctors realised the bearded patient was actually a woman when they found that the swollen belly was actually a large cyst on her ovary.

The subject suffered from two rare genetic disorders, one of which, congenital adrenal hyperplasia, increases male hormones meaning they had a beard and a "micropenis", the Hong Kong Medical Journal reported.

The other - Turner Syndrome - affects peoples X and Y chromosomes.

The patient, who grew up as an orphan, was found to have no testes, and stopped growing after puberty at the age of 10.

Seven doctors from Hong Kong where the man lived wrote in the study: "Were it not due to the huge ovarian cyst, his intriguing medical condition might never have been exposed."

The doctors said there have been only six cases where both genetic disorders have been reported in medical literature. Turner Syndrome on its own affects only one in 2,500 to 3,000 females.

The Vietnam-born Chinese patient decided to continue "perceiving himself as having a male gender with the possible need of testosterone replacement."

Is it ok for me to make fun of this? Probably not; ovarian cysts are very serious and extremely painful. Also having been given such life altering news would have a deep psychological affect on even the strongest person. Still...y'know...MICROPENIS.

What is the most interesting part of this story for me is the decision to stay as a man despite the presence of ovaries in his body. Gender politics is one thing, but to actually have a choice in the matter is a massively complex dilemma.

How could anyone ever really come to terms with a choice like that? It would inform every other decision you make in your life...then again he had gone to the trouble of growing a beard, if he shaved it off and became a lady that's 6 itchy months wasted. Fuck it, male it is.


Source: The Sun


Inconsiderate Travellers #31: Return of the Power Socketapple-plug-socket-charger-train

Not again. Not a bloody gain. What is it with modern Arriva trains and none functioning power outlets? This is the third time I've featured this problem and still nothing has changed.

To be quite honest I'd had a good journey to Preston for the PCW events on Friday and Saturday. The journey time was minimal and the train rides had been both calming and surprisingly fun!

I was even impressed with the location of the hotel in relation to where the action was taking place. I only had to walk 7 minutes from my luxurious budget hotel to the venue, passing any number of eateries on the way. It doesn't get any better than that for me.

So after an awesome weekend of wrestling I headed back on the train (from Preston's beautiful Victorian station) to Crewe where I had to do the usual mad dash from one train to another.

As soon as I got on I made a bee line for the nearest plug socket...which didn't work. Then I tried another one...that also didn't work. Can you see a pattern developing here?

Every socket on the carriage was given the paranoid iPhone user test before I gave up and assumed the duties of broken plug socket prophet; informing others of the futility of their attempts to charge their mobile devices.

This only ever seems to happen on Arriva trains and, while I'm thankful for the extra room and comfort now provided by the modern carriages, I am a little puzzled as to why this keeps happening.

I'd like to think I'm making a difference by writing about this stuff but if I were the situation would probably have been dealt with by now...although a quick look at the decline in Arriva's share price over the last 2 years (when I started doing this) might indicate that my bitching is having an effect. Yes, that sharp drop in their value (£54.50 2 years ago - about £20 today) is entirely down to me. I'm a one man wrecking crew!iPhone-share-price-app-Arriva










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