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Inconsiderate Travellers #15

Yay! I love it when this happens! Even though it drives me insane when it happens in front of me, I do get very excited after I've taken my secret picture because I know it's Inconsiderate Travellers time!

Look at this woman, she fits one of the classic models of previous Inconsiderate Travellers; she's a middle aged lady who's done some shopping but doesn't want anyone sitting next to her.

There's plenty of room in the overhead compartment for her bags, but stretching her arms over her head and lifting something that weighs more than a spoon and a tub of Ben and Jerry's is clearly far too strenuous for her.

Sadly it gets worse because at the next stop a family of Dutch Olympic tourists got on the train but couldn't find a group of four seats together. I moved down a space to let the grandmother sit next to me, do you think this woman put her stuff on the table and moved down a place so that the young girl could also sit down? Hell no!

"Screw you you Dutch weirdos" the woman thought to herself...I imagine, "You ain't sitting next to me. You might be high on pot or desperate to eat a load of cheese or put some ice cream sprinkles on your toast! Get lost!"

So, thanks to her double douse of selfishness, this heartless wench thoroughly deserves her place in my rogues gallery of Inconsiderate Travellers. Also, take a look at the size of Henry Kissinger's Floating Head. It's absolutely massive! I had to do that big because this woman's hair was colossal. She looked like Miriam Margolyes would if she decided to investigate the inner workings of an active plug socket using a wet folk.

 

Summer Holiday

Yes, I'm going away again, this time for slightly longer than usual (7 days) so there will be a couple of things slightly different than what normally happens when I leave to fulfill my duties as the Head of Spectre.

As usual there won't be an update on Monday (30th July) as I'll be stuck on a train full of strangers who I secretly despise. There also won't be an update on Monday the 6th of August as I'll be reaching the culmination of a plan 20 years in the making which involves the world's supply of vimto, a key that lets me into the factory and a sofa that helps me relax when I'm resting between gorges.

There will be updates on here as normal during the weekdays and on my Twitter account so I hope you'll keep your eyes glued to the website for possible Inconsiderate Traveller updates. Hooray for bastards!

 

Money buys you some cool stuff

I imagine being the child of a multi-millionaire is a tough existence. You have to constantly make room for new toys, learn the names of all your servants and decide what colour Bentley you want for your 16th birthday...actually that sounds fucking awesome!

While I certainly didn't grow up poor I definitely didn't get spoiled like most of the hateful little brats on Super Sweet 16. I even had to build my own tree house, unlike J.K. Rowling's kids who get the best of everything,

When the creator of Harry Potter decides to build an adventure playground for her children, you expect something magical.

But even by JK Rowling’s standards the 40ft high, two-storey tree houses planned for the back garden of her Edinburgh  mansion are something spectacular. 

The Hogwarts-style towers - estimated to cost around £150,000 - are so big that they need planning permission.

Each wooden tree house is to be built on stilts and boasts balconies, carvings and turrets that wouldn’t look out of place in a Potter adventure.

The towers are linked by a rope bridge and can be approached by a secret tunnel hidden underneath a raised wooden walkway.

Plans lodged with the City of Edinburgh Council reveal the houses are intended for Miss Rowling’s two youngest children David, nine, and his sister Mackenzie, seven.

This is a major opportunity for Edinburgh Council. If they're smart they'll grant the plans with certain conditions like a tree that randomly attacks people, a quidditch pitch and a giant dining hall with floating candles. Basically insist that she builds Hogwarts in her garden and you'll boost tourism in the local area by 1000%.

I've been to The Harry Potter Experience just outside of London and I can tell you it would have been even better if there hadn't been so many fucking tourists taking pictures from every angle. If you construct a giant Hogwarts replica in Edinburgh that problem disappears...and I can walk around pretending to be Ron Weasley.

Source: The Daily Mail

 

She is not a flotation device

"Oh my god that woman's drowning! Quickly, call the emergency services or Superman or something cos she's disappearing! Hang on a second, how did she get naked? Why doesn't she look concerned? Has she had too much botox? God damn she looks thin..."

20 Police officers were called on scene in Fargo, ND this Tuesday morning after a concerned witness said a lady was in distress in the Red River.

According to a local witness, this dramatic scene attracted over 50 spectators which were blocking and hindering police rescue attempts.

After 20 min of complete chaos, police were absolutely horrified.  It turns out that they had not rescued a drowning female but in fact rescued an inflatable sex doll from the river.

A shocked crowd quickly dispersed upon seeing the disgusting inflatable sex doll. Spectators were even seen covering the eyes of their children as to not witness the deflated and deformed sex doll’s breasts.

Following the rescue, police officers said they were forced to act on the rescue as the sex doll had a similar size and appearance of a real human female.

Yeah, that's right, 50 'witnesses' wouldn't get out of the way. I'm sure in reality it was 50 cheapskates fighting over the potential ownership of the sex bounty once it washed ashore. On a side note, I feel I should apologise for sourcing this story from such a poorly written piece. The fact that the reporter didn't think that the parents were covering their children's eyes because it looked very similar to a dead body instead of a blow up doll is quite worrying.

That's the kind of thing that fucked Caravaggio up so badly. Although it did make him one of the greatest artists of all time and we could use some more talented artists in the world and less whiney brats. Looks like it might be time to organise a school trip to the local mortuary then. When you think about it I'm actually supporting the arts by doing that. I'm like Alan Yentob only less funny looking.

Source: FM Observer

 

Madonna is sensitive

Hey look everyone, it's washed-up, egomaniacal bitch Madonna and she's pointing a gun at her audience less than a week after a moron shot 71 people in a cinema. How amazingly offensive of her.

Madge has done some pretty controversial and, in all honesty, pointless things in the past, but this might be the one thing that people refuse to forgive her for.

I'm sure it's part of her tour that will soon be cut out in deference to the victims and families of the victims of the massacre and then reintroduced later down the line. Or maybe Madonna thinks that those people can go fuck themselves,

Madonna definitely has shocked the world by ignoring pleas of common sense over the weekend to not use guns on stage as the world heals from the Colorado shootings.

The entertainer performed at Murrayfield Stadium in Edinburgh, Scotland on Saturday for a MDNA concert where she was asked by police, as well as fans, to forego the AK47 assault rifle and pistol segment to show respect to the victims of the recent Colorado theater shooting as well as ease the uncomfortable feeling everyone has about public venues after the theater massacre.

Madonna flatly ignored the requests apparently bringing out a machine gun and pistol during the performance and pointing the weapons around the concert and towards the crowd as seen in previous shows.

In fact she was so disruptive that some fans who arrived early were clearly uncomfortable as they saw her in rehearsals for the performance with the fake weapons.

You'd better believe she'll censor her performance on October the 18th when her tour stops off in Denver, Colorado. If she doesn't, there's a good chance she'll get chased out of the city by locals carrying pitch folks and torches. The fact of the matter is Madonna has only ever been controversial when it was safe for her to be controversial.

She's always managed to avoid pissing off grieving families or groups before, and the only people she's ever really offended have been the type of groups that are popular targets for satirists and comedians. They are almost guaranteed to further her image as an empowered woman/rebel. Offending people directly affected by murder/attempted murder only makes her look ignorant and vaguely cold hearted.

Source: www.examiner.com

 

Your cup runneth over...for £1.50

This might surprise you given my addictions to Chinese food, vimto and being lazy but I'm actually an excellent swimmer. I'm so good in fact that I once sort of saved a Japanese student from drowning in the very deep (12 foot) end of a swimming pool.

The dozy sod had swum to the deep end even though his ability level was strictly paddling pool only. After about 15 seconds of flailing he started to sink so I pulled him to the side (like a sexy ginger Baywatch man) and helped him out of the water.

After making sure he hadn't swallowed too much water I looked down to see why my left arm was stinging so much and, wouldn't you know it, the crazy bastard had scratched the shit out of my forearm in the midst of his panic. It looked like Freddy Krueger had taken his first foray into cubist art on it.

You'd think an experience like that would put me off swimming for life right? Nope. I love swimming and learning to swim/enjoying it is something everyone should have the right to, even Japanese kids that can't swim. Furthermore everyone has a right to use water for whatever purpose. That's why I find stories about an organisation taking advantage of this basic right utterly baffling.

A water only cafe that has just opened in New York City has been criticised for charging customers £1.50 ($2.50) for a glass of tap water.

Normally someone can expect to receive tap water for free at a restaurant or cafe but not at Molecule in East Village.

There you can expect to pay £1.50 for the privilege. But the owners do promise you are receiving high quality tap water that's filtered by a custom-built machine worth over £12,000 ($20,000).

The liquid is reportedly put through a seven-point filter system, which is said to make it 'healthier'. 'It's about treating water a little more consciously, mindfully and respectfully,' said co-owner Adam Ruhf. The 32-year-old, who is also an activist, also offers to sweeten up the customer's beverage with vitamins.

He added: 'Our supplements are based on medicinal herbs and roots from around the world.' The company plan to start delivering the water… which we thought a tap did already.

"You were working as a waitress in the Water Bar, when I met yooouuuu!" This story is so disturbing, the idea so exploitative and the people who will buy into it so moronic that it really might be a fake story designed to turn cynical people into extremists because they have given up on society. Well done Molecule, you have doomed the human race to a nightmarish "Us vs Them" future of constant warfare between cynics and posers who hang out in water bars reading Jean-Paul Sartre, growing their puberty beards and being the living embodiment of this song.

 

Source: The Metro

 

This should be open, cause it's civil rights. This is the nineties.

Planes suck. It's a well known fact that if you aren't rich or a homunculus flying on a plane is only a short step away from being defined as torture by the Geneva Convention. Travelling is stressful enough without going through 3 hours of checks just so you can sit in a tiny seat next loud, stinking strangers.

At least on trains you can change seats if you don't like the person you're sitting next to and the companies rarely segregate groups from similar parties, unlike these arseholes,

Japan's world champion women's football team has taken exception to flying economy while their male counterparts sat in business class on a flight to Europe for the Olympics.

The women's team was assigned seats in premium economy for the 13-hour flight to Paris while the nation's under-23 men's team was up front on the same flight.

Hey that's just not fair, what happened to a level playing field? This is disgraceful, I'm sure this proud female athlete will rightly point out the injustice of the seating arrangement and demand that everyone in her party be treated equally.

"It should have been the other way around," 2011 FIFA Women's World Player of the Year Homare Sawa told Japanese media after arriving in the French capital. "Even just in terms of age we are senior."

Good going lady, you just destroyed any sympathy you might have won by trying to pull rank over male footballers. Also using the old "I should sit there because I'm older than you" line is even more frustrating because women's Olympic football teams aren't hamstrung by the ridiculous under-23 rule that the male teams have to abide by.

That's another thing in their advantage; they can continue appearing for the Olympic team for a lot longer than the men can. Most of the guys in the Japanese team will only be going to 1 or 2 Olympics, some of these women could appear in 5 or possibly even 6 if they are young enough. Maybe Mrs. Sawa should just calm down, have a nice warm cup of tea and watch 27 Dresses or some other shit film, because there are many instances of discrimination that warrant action. This, however, probably isn't one of them. My 27 Dresses comment on the other hand might be, no one should be watching that film, male or female.

Source: pa.press.net

 

Revenge of the nerds

Trolls, hackers, cyber stalkers, they all have two things in common: they're bullies and they're also all nerds.

Beyond being your average computer nerd these people seem to display elements of psychological conditions like Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Narcissism is characterised by a pattern of self-importance, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy.

People with narcissistic personality disorder also overestimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments. They often appear boastful and pretentious, while also underestimating and devaluing the achievements of others (on a side note; I'm awesome and you suck).

Sometimes though being a massive prick online just doesn't cut it for some people,

A man in Adelaide has admitted hacking an internet service provider - in more ways than one.

Bryce Kingsley Quilley, from southern Australia, pleaded guilty to three counts of unlawful modification of computer data, one aggravated count of threatening to damage property and one aggravated count of threatening to cause harm.

He attempted to hack the servers of the ISP - and then threatened to burn down its offices and its owner with an axe.

No details on why the man was so furious have been released - but anyone who's had to battle with one of the big providers to sort out their WiFi could probably have a guess.

Anybody spot the problem with his plan? Axes can do a lot of things like chop wood, hack off limbs and be used as an eloquent replacement for the word 'ask', but it certainly doesn't come with a flame thrower unit attached as standard. If it did then the Kirk Douglas film Vikings would have been a lot more intense.

This is quite an amazing situation though; this guy was so delusional that not only did he forget that hacking and threatening terrorism is naughty/illegal but that axes don't produce fire. Be warned all you internet nerds, if you get too lost in the magical electronic world of games, social networking and abusing strangers this could be you standing outside an Australian office screaming, "My axe is restless in my hand. Give me a row of orc-necks and room to swing and all weariness will fall from me!"

Source: The Huff Post

 

I'll have a BLT, low fat mayo, no needles please

I know there are times when this site looks like the diary of a gluttonous, Welsh nerd (a 95% accurate assessment) but I genuinely believe that if you engaged a stranger in a random conversation the topic that would get them talking the most is food.

Deep down everyone is a foodie, we all have opinions on what we like, what we don't like and what we think of the treatment of animals on their way to slaughter in terrible conditions blah blah blah.

So it always terrifies me and, I'm sure, every other closet fattie out there when we read of a food based mishap. No I'm not talking about someone's toast being burned or a bowl of soup being too peppery, I'm talking about this nightmarish scenario,

The FBI and police at Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport have opened a criminal investigation into how needles got into turkey sandwiches served to passengers on Delta Air Lines flights from Amsterdam to the United States.

Delta said what appear to be sewing needles were found in five sandwiches on Sunday. One passenger on a flight to Minneapolis was injured. The other needles were on two flights to Atlanta and one to Seattle.

Airport police spokesman Robert van Kapel said: "We are keeping all options open because at this moment we have no idea why somebody or something put needles inside the sandwiches so that is what we have to investigate."

Well fucking hell Sherlock, do you think they've got Singer machines making sarnies in this factory? Or do you think Skynet has finally become self aware and has started the war on humans by putting needles in our food?! The scary thought is that, being sewing needles, you really wouldn't spot them if you were ravenously hungry.

When I'm starving I essentially shovel food in my mouth and swallow it without chewing, kind of like a duck. it's led to some pretty embarrassing dates where I've eaten so quickly and thoughtlessly I haven't noticed the look of disgust on my dates face. All those farts and crotch scratches can't have helped either.

Source: The Belfest Telegraph

 

Batman vs the critics

As hard as it is to believe now there was a time back in 1997 when people were getting a little sick of Batman films. The impending launch of Batman and Robin revived interest somewhat and a good portion of America went off to see it on the weekend around it's 20th of June release.

What they witnessed was 2 hours of camp, cartoonish shite. The films colour scheme was an assault on the senses, Batman and Robin's body armour had nipples on the breastplates, and Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone's performances were so wooden they could have been replaced by rubber clad Futons and no-one would have noticed the difference.

Meanwhile Arnold Schwarzenegger and Uma Thurman spent so long hamming it up that the audience forgot that the most interesting villain of the whole film, Bane, had gone from a calculating maniac to a grunting moron played by a wrestler (Jeep Swanson) so 'roided out of his mind that he would die from a heart attack just 2 months after the film was released.

The film, after a strong start ($47 million opening weekend in the U.S.), fell off a cliff when word got out just how amazingly crap it was. The damage to the Batman franchise was substantial and it took some hard work from Christopher Nolan, Hans Zimmer, Christian Bale, Heath Ledger and many others to return it to the top of Cinema's financial totem pole.

Which all brings us to today, the day when the press are finally allowed to release their thoughts on the last in the Nolan/Bale generation of Batman films. Do you think the reviews are as negative as they were for Batman and Robin? No, they sort of aren't,

Empire gives it 5 stars, saying:

"With spectacle in abundance, this is superhero filmmaking on an unprecedented scale."

The Hollywood Reporter says:

"Big-time Hollywood filmmaking at its most massively accomplished, this last installment of Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy makes everything in the rival Marvel universe look thoroughly silly and childish."

HitFix concludes:

"…one of the year's most impressive efforts so far in any genre, on any subject … Whoever Warner Bros hires to reboot the "Batman" films a few years from now, I wish you luck. The bar is as high as it could possibly be."

And Rolling Stone says:

"…the sheer scope of Nolan's vision – with emotion and spectacle thundering across the screen – is staggering."

So it's slightly good then! Did anyone expect anything else? The big question everyone's asking is will it beat The Avengers and make more than $1.4 billion worldwide? Who knows, one things for sure, as HitFix so astutely pointed out, whoever has to follow up this film better be prepared for an uphill struggle. Basically the next Batman film is going to have to be a documentary about a real life Batman smashing the crap out of villains, only with multi million dollar production values and a man with a seriously rough voice.

Source: wwtdd.com

 

Al Capone was a chicken shit

Yeah you heard me Capone you fat, dead scaredy cat. I'm not afraid of you or you big green penis extension. So what if you go around smashing your friends heads in with baseball bats, that don't frighten me. That's like a spa treatment for me.

Any man who drives around in a pansy ass car like that is bound to be easy to whoop. I bet it isn't even bullet proof,

The bulletproof armoured car that kept Al Capone safe from his enemies is up for auction for £325,000.

The U.S, gangster’s 1928 Cadillac V-8 Town Sedan was fitted with 3,000lb of steel armour and painted green with black fenders to mimic a police car, with flashing lights, a siren and police-band radio receiver.

The bulletproof windows could be raised to reveal holes through which machine guns could be fired, while the rear window could be dropped to let his henchman fire on those chasing them.

Capone was eventually jailed for tax evasion, and ironically his 84-year-old car is classed as a classic and is therefore tax exempt. Latterly owned by a U.S. car collector, it will be sold at RM Auctions in California on August 20.The car even had a flashing light, siren and the first police-band radio receiver in private hands.

Wow, Capone's car was kitted out, it's as if Xzibit and MTV built it for him. Machine gun holes, camouflage, spying equipment, this guy had more gadgets than James Bond, Inspector Gadget and Anne Summers combined. If only he'd put as much thought into his tax evasion plans as he did into general thuggery and cool cars he'd probably have become a senator, or at least married into the Coppola family. That way it wouldn't have mattered how much of a tax bill he ran up, all he'd have had to do is star in Ghost Rider 2 and everything would have been fine.

Source: The Daily Mail

 

Sideline

I am sort of writing for these lovely people now as well. Nothing's official yet but all 12 of my fingers are crossed in the fervent hope that it'll become a regular thing...what do you mean you don't have 12 fingers? I thought everyone did. Everyone around here has 12 fingers. It's about the only thing we all have in common if you don't include those regular cheques from Sellafield.

You can see their home page here and my first article here.

 

Equality be damned

Oh those Germans! They have the strongest economy in Europe, some of the most fantastic cars in the world and when they get into fights they invariably lose (I'm looking at you Kaiser Wilhelm, Hitler and Mikkel Kessler).

They're also pretty forward thinking as well. Only last year I covered a story about the German town of Bonn installing pay and display meters for hookers (which were manufactured by Siemens), thereby making their working environment and conditions much safer.

That was a big step in the right direction, this however is two steps backwards.

A town in south-west Germany has drawn accusations of sexism after designating two particularly tricky parking spaces "men only."

The mayor of the Black Forest town of Triberg said women would find it difficult to park there because drivers need to back in diagonally without hitting a pillar and a wall.

Gallus Strobel noted that 12 places in the 220-capacity car park are reserved for women.

Oh well isn't that nice, he's created a separate area for women to park in so that they don't get too scared by the menacing parking spaces. It's only sensible, if these women got hysterical from their inability to park properly he might have needed to give them a good, old fashioned, Sean Connery endorsed open handed slap across the face.

This guy is so thoughtful, maybe while he's at it he could hand out chastity belts as well. I generally believe I am a good driver because I'm not aggressive, don't speed and am very aware of what's going on around me. But I can tell you now, both my mother and my girlfriend are better drivers than me (and that includes parking). I am amazed this has been allowed to go ahead without a regulatory body stepping in first. Who knew the Germans could be so discriminatory huh?!

Source: msn.co.uk

 

Don't mess with Lily Allen

Look at her, she's got panthers! Why would you piss off a woman who has trained panthers that are clearly ready to attack at a moments notice?! Also, her dad is Keith Allen, who is so intense and scary he's only one parking ticket away from doing a Michael Douglas in Falling Down.

It's not like she's got a reputation for ignoring topics that are controversial or turning the other cheek when people take subtle shots at her either. When Katy Perry said that she was 'thinner than Lily Allen but fatter than Amy Winehouse' Allen responded with the Spartan like quip "The thing about me and Amy Winehouse is we're both British and we both write our own songs." Suck on that one big tits.

So if she had a go at Katy Perry for not thinking her comments through properly what do you think happened when a dumbass soldier made a racist baby joke?

Lily Allen has been subjected to a tirade of abuse on Twitter after she reported a soldier for making racist comments.

The singer reported 20-year-old Harry Wilson to the Ministry of Defence after he tweeted her saying: "just seen you bought s*** I mean adopted a child from Africa (sic)"

But following reports that the army now intend to discharge the soldier, Allen has received further abuse on the social networking site.

Suzanne Fraser - a 23-year-old woman from Glasgow who tweets under the name @suzanne_x - wrote: "you are a disgrace, you kept you job when you were full of drugs & cocaine with kate moss ya stuck up wee cow!! KARMA!! (sic)"

According to reports the army want to discharge Harry, and Steve Allison called her a "coke head b*****d" for reporting him.

Tweeting under the name @steveallison4, he wrote: "Harry been told the top dogs in the army want him discharged! @lilyrosecooper a hope ur f***in happy ya coke head bastard‪ #harrysnotaracist‬ (sic)"

Commenting on the twitter trolls and her re-tweets of the abuse she has received, Lily wrote: "Just a few examples of the drivel I'm being subjected to for reporting that guy yesterday. (sic)"

It's amazing that people think what this guy did is in any way Lily Allen's fault. He openly tweeted a racist remark to a celebrity known for fighting her corner, what did he think was going to happen? He even identified himself as being a member of the armed forces, who, as an arm of the British Government, have a zero tolerance policy on racism. Is it really Lily Allen's fault that this guy is not only a racist but also stupid?

This is the problem with Twitter; it doesn't come with an inbuilt censorship button. Once you say something dumb, thoughtless or amazingly offensive there's no PR rep or handler to change it before it's released, it just gets blurted into the ether by your computer or mobile device for the world to see, naked and unedited.

Ironically this very situation could lead to a massive increase in employment rates around the world. If people start offering their services as Tweet editors for the moronically enabled then there could be an entire generation saved from unemployment. God bless you Twitter you superficial waste of time.

Source: The Evening Standard

 

A comfortable death

Ahh couch, how I love thee! You relax me, fold out into a semi comfortable bed when I'm too lazy to crawl to my bedroom next door and cushion my arse in a way that should be illegal.

Yes I love my sofa almost as much as I love living a long and healthy life...hang on what's this?

Limiting the time we spend sitting to just three hours a day could add an extra two years to our life expectancy, scientists calculate.

Similarly, if we cut daily TV viewing down to two hours we could add on 1.4 years, they say in a report for the online journal BMJ open.

But experts say the US estimates, which are based on five separate population studies, are too unreliable to predict personal risk.

Plus the targets are unfeasible.

Prof David Spiegelhalter, an expert in risk calculations at the University of Cambridge, said: "This is a study of populations, and does not tell you personally what the effect of getting off the sofa might be.

"It seems plausible that if future generations moved around a bit more, then they might live longer on average. "But very few of us currently spend less than three hours sitting each day, and so this seems a very optimistic target."

Yeah, that's right Prof Mirrorholder (German names are hilarious)! Fuck you science you unfeasible bastard! If this report is to be believe we will live a whole 2 years longer if we stand up while eating, working and driving. Although if you do try and stand up while driving your life expectancy will go from increasing by two years to ending within 30 seconds.

The whole less TV thing has been proposed since it was invented but it's never going to stick. If I only watched two hours of TV a day not only would I cut down on all that fantastic Skyrim action I would also miss repeats of The Big Bang Theory that I've seen at least 10 times before. Do you see my conundrum? I want to live longer but really don't want to stop being lazy.

So here's my solution: I'm going to be lazy until my 40th birthday, at which point I will treat my gathered friends and family to a treasure hunt to find Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen body. After we've thawed him out and dropped him off at the nearest synagogue (just to piss him off) I will then freeze myself until mankind invents a way to transfer our consciousness and personality into a robotic body. Then it's the T-800 version of me on a sofa forever. Me 1 - science 0.

Source: BBC

 

Ron Perlman is a bloody nice guy

There's a big divide in Hollywood between the good people and the bad/selfish people. For example, Johnny Depp tips like 400% whenever he goes out to eat, always has time for people he doesn't know, is very humble and a really nice and likeable guy.

Teri Hatcher, on the other hand, has developed a reputation as someone who alienates her co-stars and co-workers, alledgedly makes people leave their jobs to work for her under false pretences (and then promptly signs them to blank contracts with instant termination clauses added later) and alledgedly breaks legally binding endorsement contracts whenever the feeling takes her. Whether that's a deserved reputation or not it's all I have ever heard about her.

Then there are those who you hear mixed stories about like Russell Crowe (gives huge sums of money to his co-workers and buskers but has a habit of threatening people), Elton John (donates tons of money to a whole host of charities but likes to behave like a massive prick from time to time) and Bono (who helped wipe out a third of Africa's debt and campaigns for environmental causes but once bought a £1000 first class plane ticket FOR HIS HAT so that it could be flown from London to his location in Italy).

I've never heard anything about Ron Perlman's altruistic side but it now looks like he's right up there with Oprah, Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves and whoever keeps boosting my site's hit count by searching for "Jamie Bell's Naked Penis"...they'll never find it on here but it's nice that they are helping.

Ron Perlman Visits Child in Full Hellboy Makeup for Make-A-Wish.

The daylong visit includes a transformation into the bright red superhero for the wish recipient, too.

The 62-year-old actor made one little boy's wish come true when he showed up in his full Hellboy makeup and costume for a day of hanging out with his big screen hero. Six-year-old Zachary had expressed to Make-A-Wish his desire "to meet and become Hellboy." The boy is undergoing treatment for leukemia, The Hollywood Reporter has learned.

They in turn approached Perlman, who "loved the idea and donned the makeup once more," Spectral Motion said on its Facebook page. Perlman then underwent the 4 hour makeup application procedure it takes to become Hellboy and shocked a delighted Zachary -- who later got the opportunity to become a pint-sized Hellboy himself.

Now that's commitment! 4 hours in makeup for 1 appearance goes above and beyond in my book. I find it hard enough sitting in a train carriage for 4 hours never mind in a chair where you have to sit perfectly still the whole time. I'd also itch constantly so the process would take even longer. By the time I arrived in the get up the poor kid would have grown to hate Hellboy for making him wait so long. This is the only reason I'm not a major Hollywood star, believe me I've had offers.

Paramount wanted me to play Shaft in the 2000 remake but I told them no. "I'd rather continue living the life of a carefree teenage student thank you very much sir" I said while eating cold beans out of the tin. those were the days.

Source: The Hollywood Reporter

 

One f*%king Direction

Whenever a new boy band appears it normally has certain elements in its make up that are designed to endear it to an army of female followers. That might be a certain look or musical style or dancing ability but it's usually a carefully constructed image.

While lots of girls (and some boys) can be taken in by these affectations there are others who have come up with a different point of view on the composition of boy bands.

If history is to be believed you can make a boy band with any combination of the following male types: the fat one, the gay one, the pretty one, the good dancer, the talented one and, finally, the stupid one.

While the others are largely unimportant the two crucial parts to any boy band's success is how good the talented one is at writing music and how much of a liability the stupid one is.

Take That and Westlife both jettisoned their stupid members, Busted were brought down by their stupid one and Five (5ive) failed because they were all the stupid one.

It looks like One Direction's potential stupid one is doing a fine job of getting them plenty of unwanted attention.

NIALL Horan has apologised for swearing at fans earlier this week.

The One Direction star was filmed dropping the C-bomb as he greeted the crowds at Dublin airport on Monday. The 18-year-old told them: “Remember the last time I walked out here? You shower of c****.”

The video was later uploaded to YouTube but the poster defended the star, saying he meant it as ‘banter.’

The fans appeared unoffended and continued to talk to him, requesting a happy birthday message for a friend which he gave into the camera with a thumbs up.

But he later apologised on Twitter. He said: “Really sorry if I caused any offence. It was just banter with fans who I think of more as mates.

A lot of people have come out in defence of him (mostly Directioner's) and said stuff along the lines of "It's only banter" and "He didn't mean any offence by it" and the amazingly stereotypical "He's Irish". While it is true this is a bit of an overreaction from The Sun (the earlier version of this story suggested that he had stunned young fans with a foul mouthed outburst which is stupid because, as you can tell from the video, they were completely unfased by his swearing) it's not very smart to go round effing, blinding and c-ing to random people who also happen to be filming you.

You might not have offended these people, but somewhere out there, watching this video, a small number of your fans will be offended by this. Some of them might be offended enough to stop buying your music and going to your concerts. Every moment of madness, every drunk picture, every unnecessary swear word, every instance of overreacting to a koala pissing on you alienates a small number of traditional boy band fans.

It's highly unlikely they'll pick up any new ones by swearing at people; it's not like Prodigy fans are going to turn around and say "Wow, Niall swore! He's alright! quickly, log me into iTunes, I have to download that album!" At least one good thing has come out of all this: the One Direction fans now have a new name. They're no longer called 'Directioner's' they have been rechristened 'A Shower of C*%ts'! That'll be an interesting thing for a stadium full of girls to shout at the top of their lungs.

 

Source: The Sun

 

Big Brother is saving you

George Orwell wrote about it, paranoid people think about it all the time and Julian Assange made a lot of money by exploiting people's fear of it. I'm talking about the idea that the authorities can access all the data you store on your mobile phone.

While it's seen by lots of people as a worrying trend the fact of the matter is there just aren't enough workers and nowhere near enough funds available to monitor everyone's activities all of the time. The amount of man power needed to run an operation of that size would make it unfeasible.

That's not to say that if you typed "How would I go about blowing up the Houses of Parliament and pooing on David Cameron's charred remains?" into Google it goes by unnoticed.

There are certain key words that, when put together in a variety of sequences, would probably trigger an alarm in a secret facility somewhere which could lead to a knock on your door at 6am from large men who haven't smiled in 20 years.

While that's worrying enough it's more concerning that spyware is now available to every idiot who owns an iPhone or an Android. The thought that someone only needs 5 minutes alone with my phone to be able to install an app that records my every movement is far more scary than the government being able to surveil me. Although apparently it does have its uses to,

POLICE have used an iPhone app to find a missing man, a force said today.

Officers in Gloucestershire Police's control room were able to help reunite a missing man with his worried family by using the free app. On July 2, police received a call from a woman reporting that her husband was missing and that she was very concerned for his welfare. The wife told police the man was in his car and had taken his iPhone with him.

Quickly officers began physical searches for the man, which involved a lot of police resources but, as the man's wife could recall log in details for his phone, they were able to access an app called Find My iPhone to help with the search.

By using the app, Sergeant James Wyatt in the control room was able to locate and track the man's phone on a map and direct officers involved in the search directly to him.

Inspector Arman Mathieson, who works in the control room, said: "We will always do everything within our power to make sure individuals are kept safe from harm."

I know they say he was in danger but was all this really that necessary? It's Gloucestershire for god's sake! He was either chasing a wheel of cheese down a hill, looking at a cathedral or having sex with the local wildlife. None of those really require the police to use spyware to hunt him down. It was successful though, which means that they may use more of these programs to hunt people down, especially if criminals are stupid enough to tweet something along the lines of "Just robbed an old woman of her Werthers Originals! #Lol"

I know the talk is of removing humans from the field of battle and all that but really, how long is it before we have a Robocop like person fitted with spyware out looking for missing spouses? Or, better still, Sentinels from the X-Men comics. Nothing says "keeping people safe from harm" than having an army of 100 foot tall flying machines out searching for people.

Source: independent.ie

 

Iawn Cont?

“Now behind the eyes and secrets of the dreamers in the streets rocked to sleep by the sea, see the titbits and topsyturvies, bobs and buttontops, bags and bones, ash and rind and dandruff and nailparings, saliva and snowflakes and moulted feathers of dreams, the wrecks and sprats and shells and fishbones, whale-juice and moonshine and small salt fry dished up by the hidden sea...what are you looking at you fuckin prick, I'll Ave you I will!"

A foul-mouthed criminal has been banned from swearing in Wales... but not England.

Arron Vaughan, 41, was handed the countrywide crasbo (criminal antisocial behaviour order) after he was caught being ‘abusive, offensive, aggressive and insulting’ in three shopping centres in Wales. 

His latest tirades were heard in Cardiff, Newport and Bridgend. 

Homeless Vaughan has racked up 32 convictions for public order offences and could now face five years in prison if he breaches the crasbo – imposed at Newport magistrates’ court. 

PC Tony Molina, neighbourhood beat manager for Cardiff city centre, said Vaughan had refused alcoholism help. She added: 'Arron Vaughan can be abusive, offensive, aggressive and insulting to people if he feels that he is not getting his way. 

'He will also get drunk and violent to gain people's attention and will walk aimlessly on roads, causing a danger to road-users. 'He has been offered support and assistance to address his behaviour and use of alcohol, but unfortunately he has refused to engage.

This guy clearly has a lot of issues but the one that seems to be worrying the police is his personality disorder, which appears to be at the point of becoming self destructive. The fact that he regularly walks into traffic but has never been hit suggests that he doesn't really want to get hurt, but is willing to put himself in harms way for attention and, in a roundabout sort of way, love. Or maybe he's just a pisshead that needs to get his shit together.

If he really can't be 'abusive, offensive, aggressive and insulting' in public then this is going to be one boring homeless guy, unless he has a fantastic musical talent he's basically going to have to mime his insults to people. Can you imagine that?! A really abusive mime in full regalia that can't be touched by the police because he isn't breaking his crasbo. A terrifying prospect indeed.

Pretty soon the government would have to introduce masbo's to deal with the new wave of abusive mimes terrorising the public. But then this guy would just turn abusive puppeteering and that would lead to pasbo's. As a final insult he could try turning to a non violent form of abuse where he just sits still, staring at people silently. Could you create an asbo for that or would they just throw in the towel and give him a house? Actually that would probably solve all of these problems to begin with wouldn't it?! Give this idiot a house and you solve all your problems!

Source: The Metro and Under Milk Wood by Dylan Thomas

 

Damn pranksters!

Snow. Snow so thick, white and ever present that you go damn near insane with joy whenever you see the smallest shoot of green plant life popping through. As much as I prefer cold weather, I think living with snow year round would get depressing pretty quickly. It might be ok if you lived in a beautiful city like St. Petersburg, Oslo or Narnia but not if you live in Bethel, Alaska. Apparently the closest thing they get to fine dining there is Subway, which makes this practical joke all the more cruel,

Taco Bell is to send a remote Alaskan city enough ingredients to make 10,000 tacos after a hoax made residents think the fast food chain was opening up in the area.

The city of 6,200 people is about 40 miles (64km) inland from the Bering Sea in far western Alaska, and the closest fast food other than a Subway sandwich shop is in Anchorage, 400 miles away. So they were delighted to learn that Taco Bell was soon going to open up a branch, but it was soon found out that the flyers announcing the arrival was a hoax.

Hearing of the mix-up, Taco Bell is now sending enough ingredients - including 950 lb (430kg) of seasoned beef - to the city for free. Chief executive Greg Creed said: "If we can feed people in Afghanistan and Iraq, we can feed people in Bethel."

Oh you bastards! Who puts that much time and effort into planning a practical joke (besides George Clooney)? Those poor people in Bethel thought they were getting low grade Mexican food that would warm their sphincters tummies but instead all they got was a great big dose of disappointment.

I suggest the town use the ingredients they've been sent by Taco Bell as a reward to anyone who provides information that leads to the arrest of the hoaxers. Then, just for a laugh, the punishment could be working in a Taco Bell as part of their community service. Oh my god that should be everyone's punishment! That would certainly put people off reoffending, working in the fast food industry is the ultimate deterrent.

Source: msn.co.uk

 

 

Because there's more to life than hyperbole, picking sides and deliberately playing crap at The Olympics because you're worried about getting your arse handed to you in the next round
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