What's this site all about then?

She gave birth at SeaWorld

Ahh, look at the lovely baby! It's so ickle and tiny on it's little patch work quilt having a little cry before opening it's eyes and viewing the world afresh, free to behold all it's wonders with it's small eyes...wait that kid's 2 foot long? And he weighs 14lbs? What did that women eat during her pregnancy, Adamantium and rocks?

The Iowa mother who gave birth to a nearly 14-pound baby with no surgery or medication says she chose to deliver naturally rather than undergo a C-section.

“We just wanted to avoid any unnecessary procedures,” Kendall Stewardson said today on “Good Morning America.”  “We decided to fight for that [a natural delivery] because we wanted to try to lower my chances of getting a C-section.”

When Stewardson and her husband, Joshua, made that pledge ahead of the birth of their second son, little did they know he would break a record.

Asher Stewardson was born last Thursday at Mercy Medical Hospital in Des Moines, Iowa, weighing 13 pounds, 13 ounces, making him the biggest naturally born baby the hospital had ever recorded.

Whoa whoa whoa!! NO MEDICATION OR SURGERY? After an event like that this woman will be locked away in a government research facility and studied for years. She could take on Bruce Lee, Mike Tyson and erm...Ghandi in a fight and still prevail due to her massive pain threshold. After going through that kind of pregnancy a punch to the face from Mike Tyson must feel like a shiatsu massage. I'm sure her and her husband will be overjoyed at such an amazing blessing and the further miracle of no complications after the birth...but you come back to them in 6 months and see how happy they are. You know what I mean; when they finally get back to normal and try to make the beast with two backs, it's going to be like shaking a pencil at a cave.

Source: ABCnews.com


Holiday in the sun

I don't normally do updates on a Sunday but this is different in a very important way...I forgot to do it yesterday. What I should have done was tell you people, my loyal subjects, that I won't be posting on Monday due to travel commitments. I know it's pretty absent-minded of me but when you've got The Duchess Die Hard on in the background it's hard to concentrate with all the testosterone bouncing off the walls.

By the way, that picture on the right is there to act as a visual representation of the kind of pain I feel when I have to travel long distances on a train. Yep, that's right, it's as painful to me as watching American Football. Oh the pain!




This dog nearly outlived Amy Winehouse

I don't think I've ever mentioned this on here before, but I'm a dog person. That doesn't mean I'm half dog half man (which would be cool) it means I love the fluffy little things to death...all of them that is except poodles.

When I was 4 years old my grandmother bought herself a toy poodle and let me name it. Now, what name do you think the 4 year old version of me came up with in the mid 80's? He-man? Nope. Danger Mouse? I wish...I called it Bambi.

Unfortunately it never lived up to the moniker because it snarled, bit and puked its way through life until it was executed put down at the tender age of 18. I swear that thing lived as long as it did because it made a pact with Satan at birth. Apparently poodles tend to live for ages anyway, like the one on the right which for a dog looks pretty damn drunk to me,

A toy poodle whose New York City owners had sought to put him in the Guinness World Records book as the world's oldest dog has died.

Uncle Chichi was 24, 25 or 26.

Owners Frank Pavich and Janet Puhalovic adopted Chichi from an animal shelter in Charleston, South Carolina, when he was one to two years old. Records proving his age were lost.

26 years old? That dogs breath must have been strong enough to erode bank vaults. It's interesting that the owners tried to get it into the pages of Guinness even though they blatantly had no idea how old this thing really was, I don't think that's how records work; the idea is generally that you can prove an achievement conclusively, which is kind of why they're called records. For example, I think I am by far and away the most gorgeous man on the planet, but that equally handsome chap in the shiny glass contraption I have hanging in my bathroom really opened my eyes.

Source: metro.co.uk


She made me so hot that I invaded Prussia

"War, huh, good God y'all, what is it good for? Getting lots of tail! Say it again now!" War has inspired many writers, artists and painfully average Spielberg films over the years. Just about anyone who's anyone has expressed an opinion on it, George Orwell talked about war a lot, most famously in his classic (if a little overrated) novel 1984 in which he said,

"The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous...The war is waged by the ruling group against its own subjects and its object is not the victory over either Eurasia or East Asia, but to keep the very structure of society intact."

But, according to a recently published philosophical...erm...booklet, he got it wrong, and his analysis of war should have gone a little more like this "Phwoar, get a load of the knockers on that one! I bet she'd show me them if I murdered a bunch of foreigners, yeah, where's my bloody gun?" And so on. He probably did end up writing that in his little known 7th novel "Coming Up For Air...and boobies",

The male sex drive is to blame for most of the world's conflicts from football hooliganism to religious disputes and even world wars, according to scientists.

The "male warrior" instinct means that men are programmed to be aggressive towards anyone they view as an outsider, a study claims. In evolutionary terms an instinct for violence against others helped early men improve their status and gain more access to mates, but in modern terms this can translate into large-scale wars.

In contrast women are naturally equipped with a "tend and befriend" attitude which means they seek to resolve conflicts peacefully in order to protect their children, researchers said. The study, published in the Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, is a review of evolutionary evidence for the so-called "male warrior hypothesis".

It claims that in every culture throughout history, men have been more likely than women to use violence when confronted by people they saw as outsiders.

It's a bit basic to say all women "tend and befriend" and all men equate war to getting yourself a harem of ladies, just look at Aileen Wuornos and Buddha, they pretty much instantly disprove that theory from both ends of the spectrum. Also, if sex drive causes men to war with invaders I should have been the 21st Century's version of Genghis Khan about 6 years ago but I wasn't because I was more interested in bedding lots of women than punching peoples lights out.

What do Philosopher's know anyway. Just because they spend their whole lives contemplating the big issues and studying human behavior doesn't mean they can come up with stuff like this and expect me, Mr. average Jo on the street blue collar steel worker type to swallow it without asking some questions first. Now, if they were to publish it in an academic paper designed in the style of a Matt Groening "Life in Hell" cartoon I might read it intently.

Source: telegraph.co.uk


Excuse me sir, do you have a valid ticket?

I think I've always had a pretty screwed up image of the Scots, largely thanks to three things: Russ Abbott, The Proclaimers and Trainspotting. That's a potent mix of a horrible stereotype, two ugly guys who can't sing live and a bunch of skinny smackheads.

Of course not all jocks are as unstable as Begbie (or my Glaswegian ex-girlfriend) most of them are fun loving, hard working, down to earth people who like nothing more than to have a good old chuckle, and what better way to do that than to leave a bomb shaped, papier mache haggis on a train! Yay! Fun!

British Transport Police were called to a train station in Inverness, Scotland, after worried railway staff identified a model haggis dressed in a tartan kilt as a possible security threat. 

The unaccompanied papier-mache haggis was put on a train at Kirkcaldy in Fife from where it travelled for over three hours and across 114 miles to its final destination.

The haggis, believed to have been part of a student art project, caused a major security breach when it arrived in Inverness later that day. The 4ft tall haggis, sporting a pink kilt and ‘honest sonsie face’, was discovered by shocked passengers in a luggage compartment on the train before the alarm was raised.

Staff failed to see the funny side of the stunt and called in BTP officials who were waiting for the package when it arrived. Officers promptly escorted the problematic mock-up savoury pud, which read ‘this haggis needs friends’, off the premises.

How can a haggis be tall? Do they make them with legs or something? When I was a student we used to do things like put toothpaste on door handles and cling film on toilet seats but I never thought of making something out of papier mache, decorating it and then leaving it on a train. That's like spending 2 weeks making a canoe out of lollipop sticks, going to your local paddling pool and sending it to Valhalla in a fiery Viking burial ceremony. I'm pretty sure that's what happened to this papier haggis to, unless the tubby dude in the fluorescent jacket took it to his local chippy and demanded it be deep fried for his supper...sorry I couldn't resist!

Source: metro.co.uk


His what?






I was on a game show once, true story. These guys took my wallet out of my jacket pocket, pointed a knife at me and told me that if I ran away really fast and didn't tell anyone what had just taken place I'd win a special prize: the ability to keep on breathing and have a body free of puncture wounds. It's a bit of a shitty prize when you think about it but at least I had fun! I never did see that programme on Challenge TV though, which is a shame because I can't imagine it would be any less disturbing than the answer board and subsequent reaction of the Shirley Bassey look-alike above,

CONTESTANTS on this US gameshow were shocked to find one correct answer was almost too rude for daytime TV. The surprised guests were on American show Family Feud, similar to Britain's Family Fortunes. The families are given a question asked in a survey — and have to guess what the most common answers were.

This round saw two families competing to name something an airline pilot might be holding during a long flight. But when the correct answers are revealed at the end, both sets of contestants are surprised to see "a schlong" among them. The term, US slang for a male member, is certainly much more X-rated than the last contestant's innocent guess of a "microphone radio".

Microphone radio? What the hell is a pilot gonna do with a radio mic, burst out of the cockpit (hehe) and treat the passengers to a quick rendition of "Come Fly With Me"? 'His Schlong' is a much better answer, they must be dying for a pee after 11 hours in the air...do they even have a loo for the flight crew? It would be a bit disconcerting waiting in line for the bog only for the captain to appear alongside you, hopping up and down while holding his nether region and pulling the kind of gurned face that makes you think he's about to pass a porcupine.

Source: thesun.co.uk


Misery guts

Life in Uzbekistan must be really hard for your average person on the street/dirt road. You are forced to sell your squirrel stew and family heirlooms at the road side so that you can use what little money you earn to buy guns and barbed wire to defend your home from the roaming hordes of slavers, super mutants and the ever present danger of Caesar's Legion.

Of course none of that is true (it's actually an account of an average day spent playing Fallout: New Vegas) but I wrote it to prove a point; I, like most people, know sod all about Uzbekistan. I know that at some point it was probably part of the USSR but that's it, for all I know their ruler could be a lizard and his subjects 19' tall with huge eye lids. Well now, thanks to this crazy story, I know that they don't like romance either,

Authorities in Uzbekistan are, apparently, unwilling to give love a chance.

The Central Asian nation has cancelled concerts and other events for Valentine's Day, according to reports by Russian news agency RIA-Novosti.

Instead, residents in the capital Tashkent can enjoy readings of poems by Mughal emperor Babur, who died in the 16th century.

Wow, poems from the 16th Century, how fun. Instead of going to Pizza Hut, swapping dodgy cards and maybe having sex twice that month instead of the usual never the Uzbek's get to hear the insane thoughts of a person who sounds like a character from The Lion King. The lucky scamps get to enjoy such warm, romantic sentiments as, “I am ashamed when I see my friend; My companions look at me; I look the other way.” Oh what a charmer this guy was, Happy Valentine's day Uzbekistan you poor bastards.

Source: CBS News


Somebody catch me!

Quick question; when was the last time you saw a Hollywood disaster film where Big Ben didn't get wiped out by aliens/nature? It's a tough one isn't it, the old girl's been smashed up more times than George Michael's local branch of Snappy Snaps. Why haven't we seen Birmingham's 'turd covered in drawing pins' version of Selfridges get it? Or an alien decapitate The Angel of the North? There just seems to be something about Big Ben that makes Hollywood directors want to blow it up and watch it tumble to the ground. Well this time subsidence has saved them a job,

A committee of MPs is to investigate how to ensure Parliament's Clock Tower - better known as Big Ben - can be prevented from tilting further, after surveyors found it was leaning.

The Palace of Westminster, constructed during in the 19th Century, is also suffering from cracking.

The House of Commons Commission meets on Monday to discuss the problems. But Professor John Burland of Imperial College said the lean should not be a big worry for at least "10,000 years".

This sounds like the crappest action film ever "Gentlemen, Big Ben is going to fall down...in only 10 Millenia!" even Roland Emmerich couldn't make that scenario into an entertaining film (not that he does normally). Why are we even hearing about this? Brighton Pier's been a smoking monument to pyromania for years now and nobody's doing anything about that, why are we worried about a building which will only fall down when we've abandoned the planet to the new giant ant overlords and set up shop on Mars instead? There is one way of getting it to stop leaning though: put a giant ape up there and get it to swat at planes all day, that'll correct the lean. King Kong is like chiropractory for monuments.

Source: BBC


Buns of steel

"He likes bronzed butts and he cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny, when a dictator walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in his face he gets"...arrested

British police arrested a 66-year-old man in connection with part of a bronze statue of Saddam Hussein, a buttock, was illegally brought over from Iraq after the war.

He was held on suspicion of breaching the 2003 Iraq Sanctions Order, which bans dealing in "illegally removed Iraqi cultural property", including items of archaeological, historical, cultural, or religious importance.

Derbyshire Police in northern central England said the unnamed man has been released on bail pending further inquiries.

The two-foot (0.6-metre) piece of metal had been picked up in Baghdad by a former soldier from Britain's elite SAS regiment, Nigel "Spud" Ely, after he witnessed US marines drag the statue down following the fall of the Iraqi leader.

He originally put it up for auction in Britain last year, but it failed to reach its reserve price of £250,000 (300,000 euros, $390,000).

"Our next lot, ladies and gentlemen, is a 20th Century bronzed arse cheek belonging to one of the most sadistic dictators the world has ever seen. Excellent condition, only one previous owner...who's now dead. Do I hear £250,000? Nope. Ok I'm going to sell it to the gentleman over there in the police uniform with the handcuffs!" What a dumbass. This guy must have known he'd get into a world of trouble when he posed for these pictures; I think taking national artifacts out of a war zone is particularly frowned upon by the powers that be, but posing in pictures with them is like putting on a skirt made of steaks and shaking your ass at a pair of hungry wolves. This guy makes the dude who parked his 4X4 on Snowdon twice and then went on the run positively Hawking like, it's also a pretty specific fetish to have isn't it, bronzed bums of mass murdering despots. Me, I'm more of a leg man.

Source: yourmiddleeast.com


Lie of the tiger

AAAAH! It's a tiger!! Run for your lives! Thank goodness for that officer of the law; he's not afraid of that big nasty beasty, he's my hero. If only there were more people in this world with the same level of grit and valour as this guy, if there were, they to could just pick up a man-eater by the scruff of the neck and scream "Cut it out Tony!" or something equally as snappy before wrestling the animal into submission, forever proving mans superiority over the natural world...wait is that a fucking toy?

When 911 calls were made saying there was an escaped tiger on top of a hotel in Houston, Texas, officers must have prepared for the worst.

At least six members of the fire department set out to bring the animal to safety, before it hurt any members of the public or caused an accident on the nearby highway. 

Firefighters in a cherry picker gently edged toward the beast for fear it would strike, so it was no doubt to their great relief that the tiger causing the commotion was actually a soft toy. 

Instead of needing to use their wits to coax the beast down and return it to captivity, the firefighter simply knocked the toy to the floor. A colleague on the ground then approached it with caution but after a couple of taps to the head, it was clear the 'tiger' was not considered a danger. Fire crews then removed the tiger, as passing motorists kept stopping to look at it. It's not yet clear how the soft toy ended up on the abandoned hotel.

Ok so the hero police officer now looks like a right pillock for poking a toy (that's just fallen 50 feet) in the head with a stick first...more than once. Moving on, isn't it about time that journalists who cover stories like this actually investigated how the tiger got up on the roof in the first place? Isn't that their job? Well worry ye not gentle unique visitor, I am writing this report from Houston, Texas (I inherited a key to the city which gives me free access to everything) where I'm currently engaged in a thorough examination of the circumstances surrounding this baffling mystery. The Game is afoot! Oh wait it was drunk kids wasn't it, right which way is the airport?

Source: mirror.co.uk


The Hanging Gardens of Rotterdam

Ahh computer games, they're great ways of expressing impossible dreams of grandiose architecture and futuristic buildings that seemingly defy all laws of physics and gravity.

I mean just look at that crazy thing on the right there, who comes up with a floating park in the middle of a bay? This must be a screenshot from Mass Effect 3 or something...wait that's real? Sod off! Oh it was designed by Dutch architects, yeah that makes sense now,

A team of Dutch architects has drawn up plans for a multi-storey floating park, which would live in some of the world's biggest cities.

The parks, called Sea Trees, would comprise of layered green habitats customised for different kinds of wildlife.

Birds, bees, bats and other small animals would be among the creatures it is hoped would make a home on the giant tower.

What in the hell are they smoking over there? Weed, that's right, weed. But seriously how do they see this working? For a start the bloody thing's upside down and it's made of glass, the last time I checked birds weren't so good at landing on or even bypassing glass structures, they prefer to smash their brains in by flying directly into it at great speed. Also glass isn't particularly good a growing trees, it's good at killing them, but not especially good at helping them grow.

Well if major cities want to start using these things as a way of justifying the demolition of every patch of green in their radius and replacing it with cheap Bauhaus rip off's then that's fine, just as long as one of these things doesn't pop up in Bangor I'm quite happy. We're only just getting used to having a Japanese noodle bar in the town, we don't need Bender from Futurama sticking his foot out of the Menai Strait anytime soon.

Source: msn.com


Crazy fools!

You know one sentence I'm never likely to say to my friends or family? "Man driving is expensive these days and rail travel isn't much better either. I think I'll ride on the roof of that 400 tonne rattling germ cage to work from now on!" That's right up there with "No Chinese food for me, I'll take that dry salad" and "£1 million worth of Game vouchers? Can't I have a yo-yo instead?" on the list of things I'm never going to say, because riding on the roof of a train in this country is about the stupidest thing you could ever do. Not only are the bridges low but it's always bloody raining so you're likely to slip off. I wonder if it rains that much in Indonesia? Oh wait Monsoons, sure it does!

Authorities in Indonesia are so fed up with people illegally riding on railway carriage roofs they have resorted to desperate measures - hanging concrete balls above the tracks.

So-called 'train surfing' is a popular alternative to sitting in overcrowded carriages or paying for tickets.

In the past, threatening the commuters with dogs and appealing for help from religious leaders failed to deter the thousands of people who are prepared to risk their lives when travelling.

Dozens of train-surfers are killed or injured every year and officials are hoping that hanging the balls at head-height will prevent this. "We've tried just about everything, even putting rolls of barbed wire on the roof, but nothing seems to work," said Mateta Rizahulhaq, a spokesman for the state-owned railway company PT Kereta Api. "Maybe this will do it."

Is there anybody who hasn't spotted the logical flaw in all of this yet? Dozens of people are killed every year illegally riding the train so what do the operators decide to do? Make it even more deadly by hanging giant solid knackers from bridges. If that doesn't work I guess the officials could always put electrified razor wire, land mines and Komodo dragons on the top of random carriages to add a little extra spice to their attempts at saving peoples lives. Man the Indonesian version of Total Wipeout must be absolutely brutal.

Source: Sky News


Nothing but the net

It's time to get ready for some basketball! Oh no wait that's John Madden's line for American football, it's not a problem though because they're about as popular and well known over here as he is. I could tell you that he's an 8 foot tall hairy caveman and you'd have to take my word for it (unless you already know he's basically a shouty, inflated version of Donald Trump with slightly more grey hair) because no one gives a crap about basketball over here, until something like this happens,

THIS is the moment that a basketball player made the shot of a lifetime — to score just seconds before his team would have lost the match. Chase Spreen hurled the ball the whole length of the court to clinch a stunning victory with TWO SECONDS left on the clock.

His team Kentucky's Lindsey College were down 76-78 but his three points resulted in the unlikely win against Georgetown College. As the ball went in, the arena erupted and fans rushed over to Chase, surrounding him and eventually lifting him on to their shoulders.

The game's announcer was beside himself with excitement shouting, "Holy cow" and "Oh my gosh". He screamed down the microphone: "He hit it from the free throw line on the other side!

"Unbelievable! It's the most unbelievable shot I've ever seen in my life!"

In an interview after the game, Chase said: "We had just two seconds so there was really just one thing to do and that was to just heave it."

That's pretty amazing really, not the awesome long range shot oh no, the fact that this corn fed honky managed to string a cohesive sentence together after being held aloft his teammates shoulders like he's Bobby Moore holding the World Cup or something. After all this coverage do you think this guy will get drafted by a professional outfit? Who knows, I'm sure none of that matters now as he'll get endorsements left, right and centre from the likes of umm...shot put manufacturers...grenade suppliers and umm...midget tossing proprietors oh I don't know, who's going to sponsor a giant guy who can throw round objects long distances without flinching? Maybe John McCririck's wife will hire him.

Source: thesun.co.uk



Inconsiderate Traveller #4

Well I'm back from my third Christmas celebration since December 25th and once again I was fortunate enough to witness the growing phenomenon of people leaving their luggage/shopping on empty seats so they don't have to suffer the indignity of sitting next to another human being on a busy train.

Notice how this lady not only takes up the window seat with her miniscule amount of shopping, (the most common tactic amongst her ilk as people are less likely to cause a fuss and ask her to move her luggage due to the potential for it to cause a scene and lead to lots of tutting) but she also manages to shove a giant newspaper on the table in front of her so that I can't comfortably get my laptop out.

I'm beginning to see a worrying pattern here: of the 4 people that have featured on Inconsiderate Travellers 3 of them have been ladies between the ages of 45 and 65. I don't know why women of that age feel the need to make people around them squeeze into the aisle and stare longingly at the wasted seat space like a fat man eyeing up a steak that's been on the floor for 5 minutes, but I have a theory. Maybe, just maybe, they're part of a secret society hell bent on bringing the world to its knees through sheer frustration at lazy train conductors not enforcing rules against such wreckless and anti social behaviour. The evil geniuses!



Off trekking

So I'm going away for a few days to have a late Christmas celebration with a load of friends, it's a little tradition of ours that requires me to leave some of my obsessions (this website) at home for the weekend. So I thought I'd leave you with this little peach until Monday evening when I will drag my exhausted self back home and spew more random musings on to this site...and now for some Star Trek!

A $10m (£6.5m) prize is on offer to whoever can create a Star Trek-like medical "tricorder".

The Qualcomm Tricorder X Prize has challenged researchers to build a tool capable of capturing "key health metrics and diagnosing a set of 15 diseases".

It needs to be light enough for would-be Dr McCoys to carry - a maximum weight of 5lb (2.2kg). The prize was launched at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas.

According to the official Star Trek technical manual, a tricorder is a portable "sensing, computing and data communications device". The kit captured the imagination of the show's millions of viewers when it was first used in the cult series' first broadcast in 1966.

Oh my what a good idea! If only we had a thing which could diagnose a set of 15 diseases with a quick examination and a bit of time. Oh wait, we do, it's called A DOCTOR. A Tricorder is all fine and good but why don't we have a prize for creating phasers and long range communicators built into buttons? That's the future right there, not quick and useful medical equipment, oh no, it's weird looking guns and tiny mobile phones you can pin to your clothing. Oh, and while we're at it, how about some transporter rooms scattered around the planet, why isn't there a prize being offered for that huh?!

You know what I'm offering a prize right now for anyone who can actually create all of the cool stuff in Star Trek, what prize you might ask? Well how about my undying respect, that's worth more than any financial reward right? No?! Ok I'll throw in a 1994 Peugeot 306 as well how about that?

Source: BBC


What a shocking turn of events

Hey look everyone it's Snoop Dogg! Oh and look what he's doing, he's smoking a blunt the size of a Kit-Kat, that's a naughty Snoop, very very naughty Snoop! Bad Dogg, BAD!! It's not like this is a shocking image really, this dude smokes weed like most people respire in that it constantly happens and takes no effort on his part whatsoever. So guess what happened when he tried to cross the Mexican border, yep, that's right, latex glove central,

Rapper Snoop Dogg was arrested over the weekend after border control agents found what they said was a small amount of marijuana on his tour bus.

The singer and record producer, 40, was stopped at the same Sierra Blanca, Texas, checkpoint on Saturday where country singer Willie Nelson was arrested for marijuana possession in 2010, customs officials said.

Bill Brooks, a spokesman for Customs and Border Protection, said agents conducted a routine inspection of the rapper's tour bus on at the US- Mexico border checkpoint east of El Paso and thought they smelled marijuana.

"When our officers did a further inspection, they discovered a small amount of marijuana and turned him over to the Hudspeth County sheriff," Mr Brooks said.

Brooks declined to say how much marijuana was involved or where it was found. The rapper was booked and released and given a Jan 20 court date.

Wow, what detective work, give these guys a commendation or a tortilla or something. They've saved the world from the potential danger of a man who's productivity has actually gone up since he started smoking weed constantly, thanks a load guys, here's your ticker tape parade...oh no wait those are concert tickets that won't be sold now that Snoop's in jail.

This guy needs a new hobby, something that isn't going to raise the ire of over enthusiastic border patrol police. I've got loads of old comics that I'm sure he'd love to read...oh no wait he'd just turn sections of my copy of Batman: The Killing Joke into giant joints wouldn't he. Damn, foiled again.

Source: telegraph.co.uk


Wow, umm...gee Oprah...thanks

Oprah Winfrey is good at lots of things like making shit loads of money, encouraging Tom Cruise to set his career back 10 years by acting like a prat on her couch and having an 11th toe (allegedly). There are some things she isn't good at though like running her own magazine "O" (fail) running her own TV Network (epic fail) and buying a gift for Jay-Z and Beyonce's new born baby (King Fale!...That's not the baby's name though just a clever play on words using a little known wrestlers name, sorry I'm such a geek),

Oprah Winfrey has sent a gift to Beyonce and Jay Z for their new baby girl; a trunk full of children’s books. In other words, a giant ugly black thing filled with simple messages from someone who isn’t actually good at anything but wants lots of money anyway. It’ll be just like having the real Oprah right there in the room!

Books? How did she come to the decision that the best thing to buy the second richest celebrity couple in the world was a ton of books? It's gotta be the 'ideas written on paper and pinned to a board as targets for her BB gun while wearing a blindfold' approach favoured by drunk rednecks and William Tell wannabes. A better present would have been 10,000 disposable designer bibs, that way you're teaching the baby who's boss from the start by saying "Vomit all you want you little brat, you'll still be wearing a Rocawear bib for the next 4 years no matter what!"

Source: the always brilliant wwtdd.com


"AAAWWK! Pity the f*cking fool"

Animals are cute, hilarious and the perfect distraction for when you're feeling a bit down or frustrated. They want to be around you because of the bond you share and generally become an integral part of any family unit. Of course some pets are better than others; if they show you love and affection that's great, but if they swear like Ozzy Osbourne on a night out with Janet Street Porter and Bob Geldof then all the better!

A swearing rescue parrot called Mr T is to be rehabilitated so he can help teach in schools and universities.

The green-winged macaw was rescued from a private home where he lived for seven years and was taught a number of rude words.

The bird is to be re-educated in a bid to help clean up his potty mouth so he can help teach school children about the environment.

The naughty parrot's favourite words and phrases currently include 'b*gger off', sh*t and 'you b*stard'.

Mr T now lives in a more suitable home with a number of other parrots; hopefully he won't teach his new friends his favourite words though.

Oh come on! Please let him teach the other parrots how to swear! Imagine coming home from work, walking into the aviary and hearing, "AAAWWWK! What bloody time d'ya call this?!" from 10 parrots while you desperately try and teach them appropriate words for use in schools like carbon footprint and offsetting emissions. It'd be like My Fair Lady only not boring and without all that god damn singing.

Source: metro.co.uk


While I was (sort of) sleeping

So I started a new job this morning and had a good and productive first day which is amazing given that I only got 3 hours sleep last night because of nerves (I was nervous that my dashing good looks would distract everyone from their work, I'm like a ginger male Siren). So I had to do a double take when I read this story just to make sure I hadn't gone insane through sleep deprivation like I did a couple of times in uni, but no, this is really happening yo!

The first technologies have been unveiled at the 2012 International Consumer Electronics Show (CES).

Waterproof smartphone coatings, diet-aiding armbands and a social network that warns drivers of the latest police speed-traps were all on show.

One of the most exciting exhibitors this year was Liquipel. The California-based firm has developed a "nano-coating" which makes electronic devices waterproof.

The formulation is applied in a vacuum chamber to both the interior and exterior of smartphones and other mobile devices and is not visible to the human eye. Its developers say they are already certified to protect some devices submerged 1 metre underwater for up to half an hour.

"Poolside, splashes, talking in the shower on your phone - it's not a problem at all," says co-founder Kevin Bacon.

Whoa whoa whoa, what the fuck is Kevin Bacon doing inventing stuff? Did he do that while making X-Men First Class as a side project to keep his mind sharp or something?...wait am I dreaming this? Oh man I really must be tired if I'm dreaming of Kevin Bacon inventing mobile phone coatings. It doesn't help my predicament that I'm also picturing the diet aiding armband as a loud speaker attached to your arm that occasionally screams "get the lead out fatty, that cake weight ain't gonna shift itself".

Source: BBC


Take this all you gym freaks

You know what my idea of hell is? Being stuck in a large glass warehouse filled with exercise machines and overcompensating sadists who run/cycle/pilates their bodies into exhaustion while their ears continually bleed thanks to the European dance music that blasts out of chrome speakers at over 200 decibels. So basically every gym I've ever been to.

Not only do I not get why people go there more than once (other than the obvious benefits of an endorphin release and making yourself more appealing to muscle fetishists) but I honestly thought that exercising in a place like that did nothing for your health because, lets be honest, there are other ways of keeping yourself in shape. The only problem is science and the medical field had always said that the fitter you were and the more exercise you did the better your health was. Until now that is,

Marathon runners may be as unhealthy as couch potatoes when it comes to catching a cold, it has been claimed.

On the other hand, a regular brisk walk can keep winter colds and flu at bay.

Moderate exercise strengthens the body's defences against nose and throat infections such as the common cold, flu and sinusitis, according to expert Professor Mike Gleeson. But too much exercise might be as bad as too little for the immune system.

Thank you Prof Gleeson, you're absolutely right! I walk 20 miles a week through Welsh countryside and mountains and I never get a cold but a lot of people I know who work out constantly are always getting ill because they're forever lifting heavy weights in what is basically a giant, air conditioned germ incubator. Not only are they always ill but they can't run in a straight line for more than 30 seconds without hyperventilating and pulling one of their giant hamstrings, not exactly what Nietzsche had in mind when he talked about the Superman is it. Maybe if in "Thus Spake Zarathustra" he'd describe the Superman as a 5'8" orange gorilla with a running nose, 200 word vocabulary and a desperate need to wear T-shirts in public all year round then maybe I'd be more inclined to go to the gym.

Source: msn.co.uk


A child shouldn't be seen or heard

Ofsted, the word means little to everyday people as we assume it's just another branch of the government going about its daily task of inspecting schools and making sure they're up to scratch. To a teacher however the mere mention of the word strikes fear and dread into their weary hearts like nothing else mortal man has ever experienced.

I always theorised that inspections were made to appear pretty straightforward affairs in the eyes of the inspectors, but behind closed doors teachers were hiding children under stairs, replacing them with highly intelligent midgets and paying them the equivalent of top Premier League footballer wages to stay away for a couple of days.

Of course people just laughed at me when I told them about my theory (they always bloody laugh not matter how serious I get) but now, thanks to this article in The Metro, I've gone from looking like Jerry Lewis to Nostra frickin damus,

Schools have been accused of bribing problem pupils to stay at home during Ofsted inspections, to try to make them look better. They are also allegedly taking disruptive children on trips to places such as Alton Towers, telling weak teachers to stay at home and bringing in ‘ringers’ from elsewhere to trick inspectors.

The allegations, made by teachers to the Times Educational Supplement, could damage parents’ faith in inspection reports, campaigners said. Nick Seaton, from the Campaign For Real Education pressure group, said they were shocking and added: ‘I don’t think teachers would be saying things like this if they weren’t true.’

The tactics are reported in the respected teaching publication today. One anonymous contributor said badly behaved children at their school were paid up to £100 each to stay away during Ofsted visits.

Another told a TES forum a colleague judged ‘outstanding’ was sent to a struggling school and told to claim she had always worked there. A third teacher claimed his previous school ‘sent two coachloads of disruptive pupils to Alton Towers during the two days of Ofsted’.

This is bullshit, I was hopeless in school and I never got taken to Alton Towers! What, was I not disruptive enough to be taken away? Maybe if I'd been the bully instead of the bullied I could have been given a day out instead of a massive inferiority complex and an obsession with collecting Batman comics. Of course this means that Ofsted are going to have to change their tactics a little when it comes to inspections. Now, instead of showing up on a pre-approved date in suits and scribbling notes on clipboards they're going to have to cut the power to the school and invade the grounds by coming down on zip lines in black ops uniforms, chucking flash grenades and firing tear gas canisters into classrooms as they go.

Source: metro.co.uk


Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Cumberbatch

Remember when I did a story on Benedict Cumberbatch saying he'd like to be the next Bond and me rubbishing the idea because he looks a bit odd...what do you mean no? Don't you read my site everyday without fail like my good friend Elora? No?! Fine be that way. Anyway, here's some exciting news about Cumberbatch maybe becoming the next major villain in the Star Trek film series, which is less exciting now that I'm sad, thanks a load buddy,

Sherlock actor Benedict Cumberbatch is to star in the next Star Trek movie, his publicist has confirmed. The 35-year-old British actor's role has not been disclosed, although reports suggest he will portray a villain in the sci-fi sequel.

Cumberbatch will join Simon Pegg, due to reprise his role as Scotty from the 2009 Star Trek release. Its follow-up, which is expected to be released next year, will again be directed by JJ Abrams.

Other key members of the cast, including Chris Pine as Kirk and Zachary Quinto as Spock, will return for the movie. Another British actor, Noel Clarke, has been announced as a new member of the cast, although his exact role has yet to be disclosed.

Yay! That's more like it! There was no way in hell he was ever going to be a decent Bond but a Star Trek villain (like Khan Noonien Singh) would be perfect for an actor with his look and talent. Personally I hope they don't remake The Wrath Of Khan, it's nothing to do with leaving a classic alone, it's because I want to see the Klingon wars on the big screen, explosions and weird language included. All of this is good for the women of the UK though because, as everyone knows, all the girls love Benedict Cumberbatch, as explained so perfectly in the video below courtesy of weebls-stuff.com who are clearly masters of subtle and nuanced comedy. God bless you Weebl.

Sources: BBC and weebls-stuff.com



What kind of sorcery is this?!

The weird shaped structure on the right is one of the many lovely buildings at the University of Nottingham and is constructed on the site where Will Scarlet once vomited after a heavy night on the mead (not really). I used it because it's a pretty striking image and because the University itself has been messing with the laws of nature and tormenting innocent flies the bloody heathens,

Scientists have taken on Harry Potter-style powers to levitate fruit flies and watch them walk on air.

Researchers performed the seemingly magical feat by suspending fruit flies in a strong magnetic field.

The technique, known as "diamagnetic levitation", allows water and organic based materials to become weightless.

This is actually a very important leap forward for energy research because scientists have been trying to find a way of effectively harnessing the power of nuclear fission for years.

Unfortunately fission gives off a shit load of waste, some of which is so dangerous the only thing it's good for is making nuclear weapons with. However some scientists believe that If there were a way you could suspend the nuclear fission process in air it would become much more efficient and any waste it gave off could be dealt with in a theorised fusion-fission hybrid reactor.

But to do this you have to start somewhere, and what better place to start than by messing around with animals and making flies think they have superpowers. Of course if the magnetic field fission thing doesn't catch on you could always use it as a way of making cars fly, moving heavy objects around and finally giving us the hover boards we've been patiently waiting for since Back To The Future II. I want my hover board!

Source: pa.press.net


The cheapest singing lessons ever

In case you were curious (God knows why you would be) I'm a painfully average singer, I can carry a tune and sing a few songs to a reasonable level but apart from that I'm, well...no Michael Bolton.

I'm sure if someone asked me to perform something I could give it a go and, given proper time and practice, I'd be ok, but therein lies the problem: practice. To really get anywhere when you're trying to perform you need to be either very well trained or have vast reserves of experience to call upon and I have neither when it comes to singing.

Amazingly that is exactly the same situation Hugh Laurie found himself in when it came time to record his recent album, so you'd think the world's highest paid TV actor would spend good money getting tuition from some amazing teachers right? Errrmmmm...Nope,

STAR Hugh Laurie has confessed he scoured YouTube for how-to-sing videos before recording his debut album.

The world's highest-paid TV actor, who plays grumpy medic House, made an acclaimed blues collection last year.

But Hugh, 52, said: "I'd never sung before. I went to YouTube and typed in 'how to sing'. I was that desperate."

The star also revealed he has a photographic memory and never reads lines the night before a scene — learning them "on the spot" instead. He said: "I think it's more important to sleep well."

Ok, before I get going with my summation let me just say that I really like Hugh Laurie. As well as being a really nice guy Laurie is a uniquely talented actor who can do just about anything when given the right character. He also has a reputation as a perfectionist and is often highly critical of his own work, this type of personality trait has given him the drive to be a very good competitive rower in his University years and a very talented musician who is excellent on both piano and guitar.

Which leads me to my summation; Hugh Laurie is not a good singer. He's good at almost everything else he's ever turned his hand to, but singing isn't his strong suit. That is why I'd like to take this opportunity to send out an open challenge to him, me vs Hugh Laurie one on one in a "who can sing the Faith No More version of 'Easy' by the Commodores the best" karaoke competition. Bring it on Percy!

Source: thesun.co.uk


Beyond brazen

Some people will do anything to prove they are the best at what they do, whether it's entering and winning 7 Tour De France's (Lance Armstrong), eating the most hot dogs in 10 minutes (Joey Chestnut) or being the person who has been married more than anyone else in recorded history (Linda Wolfe from Indiana who has been married a whopping 23 times) sometimes people have to go to unusual extremes to satisfy their insatiable appetite for perfection, just like these cheeky chappies,

Hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of equipment and personal belongings have been stolen from police stations across Britain, it has been revealed.

Thefts in the past five years include handcuffs, uniforms, speed guns, dogs, riot shields, and even patrol cars. The eclectic list was revealed as a result of freedom of information requests by the Press Association.

Greater Manchester Police was the worst hit, with thieves taking a £10,000 patrol car and £30,000 private vehicle. The force's assistant chief officer, Lynne Potts, said it took all such reports seriously and measures were in place to secure property, equipment and vehicles.

They stole all that from Police stations? I thought those places were sterile and boring places where the only thing you could steal was the paperclip your MI5 colleague left on the desk for you to use to break out of the handcuffs. Wait a damn moment, I think I just solved this epic crime wave! Think about it for a second, who would need uniforms, riot shields, police cars and handcuffs? That's right, it's so obvious now...high end pornography. Now all we have to do is look for any bulk sales of wet wipes and we have our thieves.

Sources: BBC


What a twat Twitt™

Once again, sorry for the brief disappearing act but it was New Years Eve and, well, all that vimto and cloudy lemonade wasn't going to drink itself now was it? If I had a twitter account (which I don't and probably never will) I could keep you informed of my comings and goings like when I go on short breaks or family excursions or dispose of dead bodies in the vat of acid I keep in my secret lair try out new recipes. Just like my hero, mentor and MMA sparring partner Rupert Murdoch,

News Corporation chief seemingly tries to break with 2011's annus horribilis by tweeting 'with his own voice, in his own way'. Rupert Murdoch, the chairman and CEO of News Corporation – who may have more reason thann usual to want to make a break with 2011 – has apparently joined twitterer.

Users of the microblogging site have reacted with a mixture of incredulity and unabashed horror to a declaration by its executive chairman Jack Dorsey that Murdoch had set up a verified account and would be gracing the site with his unique observations. "With his own voice, in his own way, @RupertMurdoch is now on Twitter," wrote Dorsey.

Within hours, the media tycoon had amassed more than 14,000 followers and was giving them his views on everything from the US presidential election to his family holiday in the Caribbean.

A cursory glance at his output reveals that he considers Steve Jobs's biography to be "interesting but unfair", that thoughts are best kept private in St Barths ("like London!"), and that George Clooney deserves an Oscar for his performance in The Descendants (whose distributor is News Corp-owned Fox Searchlight Pictures).

Wow, fascinating. I wonder if it's really Rupie (that's his official nickname by the way) or if some kid is stalking him and posting his whereabouts on Twitter as he moves around dressed as a postbox? It's a mystery we may never get to the bottom of. If only we had someone, I don't know anyone, who could use some sort of clever trickery to hack into his mobile and see if it's his genuine account. I really hope it is him, because you just know somewhere down the line he's going to post something like "At a garage, can't decide between a Ginsters pasty or a microwave burger. Oh Haribo! yummers lol :)"

Source: guardian.co.uk


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