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The (Welsh)man who wasn't there

I think you already know what I'm going to say, but here goes: I'm going away for a short break. It's only a quick getaway but it means that, due to travel being a living nightmare in this country, I won't be posting on here until Tuesday (28th). For now though keep yourselves amused with that picture of an English gent which is how I imagine everyone in London looks.

From what I've seen in films, documentaries and articles written in 1912, every male over the age of 20 in London wears a bowler hat, carries a brolly and regularly checks an easily snatched pocket watch. They probably have chimney sweeps, nannies and scullery maids to (whatever those are).

There is a chance I'm wrong of course, and what I've just done is reinforce a stereotype that hasn't existed for 70 years, but, then again, what do I know? I'm Welsh. We herd sheep, play rugby and live a life of quiet repression thanks to the dual shackles of foreign rule (forcing us to forever appear quaint) and an overreliance on mining as a way of supporting our families. Oh, and we eat a lot of leeks to.

 

 

No thanks, I prefer chicken

There was a time when only the best ideas and stories were published. If you wanted your book to sell in decent numbers you had to meet thousands of people, do lots of press and media events and pray that your publisher would spend a decent amount of money on advertising your work.

Nowadays anyone can get published thanks to the internet and the proliferation of creative outlets for writers that have sprung up as a result. That is a generally a good thing because it gives little known or new authors various ways of getting their work seen, the bad thing about it though is it sometimes means any old shit can get published. Literally old shit, probably cooked with spring onions and coconut milk,

A Century of Sand Dredging in the Bristol Channel: Volume Two and Cooking with Poo are on a shortlist for the prize of the oddest book title of the year.

The work by Peter Grosson, which documents the sand trade from its inception in 1912 to the present day, is nominated for the Diagram Prize which rewards bizarre and sometimes intentionally strange titles published during the year.

It is considered alongside Cooking with Poo, a Thai cooking book by Saiyuud Diwong. “Poo” is Thai for “crab” and is also the chef’s nickname.

The self explanatory Estonian Sock Patterns All Around the World by Aino Praakli is also shortlisted as is The Great Singapore Penis Panic: And the Future of American Mass Hysteria by Scott D Mendelson.

Wow, so many things to make fun of, where to start? First of all her name sounds like a street way of saying 'The Penis' and, well, she's cooking poo for Gods sake. I know it isn't poo as in "Jack Whitehall's material is utter poo" but it still means crabs, which is also her nickname. Once again, this woman's nickname is crabs. This, my friends, is the very definition of a comedy goldmine. A goldmine full of pooey crabs. Hooray for pooey, crab filled goldmines!

Source: telegraph.co.uk

 

Scaredy Cats

That there (underneath all the gimmickry) is Sacha Baron Cohen, a 40 year old Londoner who started out on a tiny kids TV show but quickly rose to the top of the ladder and became one of the most successful British Comedians of all time.

His first 3 films have made a combined profit of just over $400 million and has become so successful that he can pick and choose his projects and convince reclusive A-Listers to appear with him, like Harrison Ford who has a 5 second cameo in Bruno as himself running away from Bruno while screaming at him "Fuck off!" in an ever so slightly frantic and high pitched tone.

His next film The Dictator will be out anytime soon and the fact that Cohen will be promoting it soon has got the Oscar suits in a right tizz because they slapped a ban on him,

Sacha Baron Cohen has been banned from the Oscars after it was revealed he planned to attend in character from his new film The Dictator.

The 40-year-old comic, has been invited to attend as part of the cast of Martin Scorsese's Hugo which is nominated for Best Picture. 

However, Baron Cohen famously never attends red carpet events except as one of his comic creations. And after refusing to give assurances that he would not hijack the event, the controversial star has reportedly had his tickets to this Sunday's 84th Academy Awards ceremony recalled.

A source told Deadline.com: 'Unless they're assured that nothing entertaining is going to happen on the Red Carpet, the Academy is not admitting Sacha Baron Cohen to the show.'

I'll tell you what, they're right to be scared because this dude is an absolute whirlwind of energy and controversy. There is no doubt in my mind he would have done something to get attention for his film, be it a fake assassination attempt or a fake protest rally or a fake fan mobbing, something would have happened that might have caused the producers to soil themselves in panic. It's also nice to see that the Academy have their priorities in order, "No sir, no entertainment on our red carpet. This is a celebration of talent therefore we will be serious, boring and kiss more arse than James Lipton" because that's what super rich actors need more than oxygen: fake adulation.

Source: dailymail.co.uk

 

£80,000 3 bed detached Teletubby house

I'm a home owner you know, oh yes! It's a 1980's property with a tree and half finished pool in back garden. I was a little concerned when the kitchen furniture seemed to randomly rearrange itself when I left the room and my toy clown came to life and started dragging people into the overly luminous closet, but the estate agent reassured me that the house was definitely not built on an ancient Indian burial site so good news there then.

As weird as my house is I think this Romanian one wins hands down,

It seems Romanian planning laws are not nearly as strict as here in the UK after one family decided to pitch up at the bottom of an empty mountain and construct a truly unusual space dome home.

Sky-high house prices led Robert Kamner and his family to pack up their things and invest in the unorthodox, DIY silver dome in Zarnesti, Romania.

The house, which resembles a broken-down spaceship, has easily enough space to comfortably accommodate Mr Kamner, his wife and two children. It also has properties more akin to an air-raid shelter and is able to withstand earthquakes and other natural disasters. 'It's solid and safe, fire-resistant, and can survive earthquakes and tornadoes,' explained Kamner.

The 21st-century home cost half the price of a normal house at £80,000 and was put together from scratch by Mr Kamner and his family. It is also incredibly energy-efficient and costs less than half the normal amount to heat.

That is amazing, to build this house in an area like that in the UK you basically have to be one of three people: The Prime Minister, The Queen, or the guy holding stolen nuclear missile launch codes. Obviously it looks totally out of place but what the hell, if this guy wants to build an energy efficient home for his family away from other people then by all means let him. I really hope this doesn't start happening in North Wales though, the last thing Snowdonia needs is giant silver hemorrhoids appearing at its base.

Source: EuroPics

 

Super Sub?

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, but I had some technical issues that were quickly overcome without my PC needing a new harddrive for once. And what better way to make a comeback than to lead with a story signifying another nail in the X-Factor's coffin.

British R&B star Estelle may be getting a call from Simon Cowell soon following the reports that he wants her to replace Kelly Rowland on the X Factor UK panel.

It is thought that Kelly is keen to give up her role on the panel alongside Gary Barlow, Louis Walsh and Tulisa because she wants to focus on her career in America.

Of the media mogul's plans to get the 'American Boy' singer on the panel, a source told The Sun, "Estelle's name is very high on his list now and serious enquiries have been made as to her availability for auditions in May."

It has also been reported that Gary Barlow and Tulisa have been offered pay rises to return to the show later this year.

Really? They're going to replace Kelly Rowland, an artist who has sold 50 million records worldwide, with Estelle, an artist who releases one decent song every 4 years? That seems like a massive step backwards to me, maybe Syco are trying to save themselves money by hiring someone with a lower asking price. This could all be complete bollocks of course, using the phrase "a source told The Sun" is tantamount to saying "what you're about to hear is a combination of rumour and Chinese whispers in the office". The source they're quoting might as well be a bottle of sauce sitting there doing nothing as the journo franticly scribbles shorthand notes. "What does that bubble mean? Estelle's going to be on the X-Factor! Wow, you really are in the know Mr. HP".

Source/Sauce: entertainmentwise.com

 

He dived ref, look he's barely shaking!

Football, what a majestic sport. Athletes in the prime of their lives competing in a physical and psychological game of cat and mouse for a prize that captivates the world (except North America). The romance and poetry of such an event is difficult to compare to anything else man has achieved so far in his existence, but the one thing that comes close? Yep, that's right, Ultimate Tazer Ball!

Sport at its best is electrifying – but one new game takes the concept a little too literally by allowing players to tackle opponents by zapping them with stun guns.

Ultimate Tazer Ball allows  players to zap opponents with 300,000-volt stun guns, to induce a muscle spasm which will make them drop the ball or trip over. 

There have been no official games played but the sport’s creators  insist it is genuine and claim they are planning to form a league. A promotional video has been seen by more than 1million viewers on YouTube. 

The game’s US inventors say the stun guns are designed to deliver eight milliamps of current – well below the lethal dose of one amp but enough to test even the legendary ball skills of Barcelona’s  Lionel Messi.

Why does it have to be Ultimate Tazer Ball? Is the regular version where you tazer your opponents into submission just not quite final enough? Also I'm not so sure that this is a sport in the strictest sense of the word, it's more like therapy for people who like to dress up as Power Rangers. Still I'm sure none of these guys are actually insane for doing this despite what you may think; they probably get enough electric shocks per match to cure any mental illness. Hopefully they don't present the winners of each game with a Man of the Match Champagne bottle, the combination of any lingering electricity and some cheap plonk could send the respective player up in smoke like Michael Jackson's hair on the set of a Pepsi advert.

Source: the AP

 

Exciting news for fans of Ridley Scott films and Greek mythology

Hey everyone, look! It's Prometheus! What do you mean who? He's a Titan! You know the Titans? No not that bloody American Football film the actual Titans. They were a race of powerful deities overthrown by The Olympians led by Zeus...you know what, it all gets very confusing so let me just put it this way: Prometheus was a smart arse who stole fire from the Gods and gave it to mankind, thus playing a pivotal role in human development. This pissed Zeus off no end so, as a punishment, he decided to have old Promie bound to a rock while a great eagle ate his liver every day, only to have it grow back to be eaten again the next day.

He was eventually set free by Heracles (Hercules) after thirty years of that punishment, although if you look at the pottery art on the right there he seemed to be enjoying his punishment a bit too much. That's the smirk of someone who likes them some eagle lovin right there. Also is he pooing? God that's a creepy piece of art. Anyway back to the thing...man that's such a weird picture...ok so the whole Prometheus thing is basically an analogy for the beginning of mans technological awakening and for the politics of punishment in a democratic society.

Cue Ridley Scott and his interpretation of the notion of Prometheus in his new film: In the late 21st Century, the crew of the Prometheus explore the advanced civilization of an extraterrestrial race as part of a mission to uncover the origins of humanity. Sounds pretty run of the mill from that brief description but this film is far more exciting for me because IT'S AN ALIEN PREQUEL!

When I was a young, precocious scamp I loved a lot of films but none of them grew on me quite as much as the Alien films. Now here I am, a superbly handsome 30 year old, and I'm as excited about this film as I am about the possibility of gaining super powers one day (it could happen). I've talked about the film on here before but I didn't have a trailer to put up then so here is the 2nd trailer for Prometheus, ignore the sound of crying, that's just me shedding tears of joy.

 

Old men are weird

Look at that dude on the right there, scruffy, hunched, probably smells like tobacco and wee; he's what people imagine every reclusive pensioner looks and smells like. 200 years ago this man would have been admired for living a life of quiet contemplation like Nietzsche or umm...St. Anthony of Egypt, but now his ilk are judged with suspicion and ridiculed constantly (like I did just then). It doesn't help that they give their detractors ammunition by wearing filthy clothes, not showering and occasionally bombing Federal buildings in Oklahoma. Sometimes they turn out to be just like St. Anthony of Egypt though because this guy left £60,000 to a church in his will based purely upon the fact that it has nice architecture.

A RECLUSIVE old man who lived in a shed has left a £60,000 legacy to his local church. Maurice John Young, known locally as Johnny, died at the age of 81 after crashing his car into an electricity pole.

Mr Young, who was a well-known local character who lived alone in a shed and caravan, loved the look of Hatherleigh Parish Church so much he left the staggering sum for its upkeep.

Rev Dr Ruth Hansford, said: "It was a bolt out of the blue and we really were not expecting it. No-one thought he had that kind of money."

Hatherleigh councillor and old friend, Dennis Bater, was a bearer at Mr Young's funeral following his death in July 2010.

He said: "I think it is wonderful that he has left this money to the church, it is really kind. I always had a lot of time and patience for the old boy who didn't have many friends. It is a humbling gesture."

So he saved £60,000 in his will but couldn't be bothered making his shed a bit more palatial? Maybe I'm missing the point here, it says he was happy living where he was then all power to him for that, but if it were me the money would be going to another building that you see in literally every village and town the length and breadth of the country: Wagamama. That's right, my tiny Welsh village of 150 people would get some Japanese fast food. Man I'd get so fat.

Source: thesun.co.uk

 

Sean Penn is a negotiator/right tit

Sean Penn is, according to the bastion of accuracy that is Wikipedia, "an American actor, screenwriter and film director, also known for his left-wing political and social activism (including humanitarian work)" He's considered one of the best actors of his generation thanks in part to his 2 Oscars.

He would probably be in the running for recognition as the best of his generation if it weren't for his counterproductive statements and actions which either cause more damage to an already bad situation or backfire and end up making him look like a dick. Case in point,

Hollywood actor Sean Penn has criticised Britain's decision to deploy Prince William to the Falklands - following on from his earlier claims that the UK were exercising 'colonialism' over their refusal to give up the islands. 

The actor, speaking in Uruguay having met President Jose Mujica, continued his attack on Britain over the Falklands, saying the UK's actions were 'colonialist, ludicrous and archaic'.

He added: 'My oh my, aren't people sensitive to the word colonialism, particularly those who implement colonialism.

'It's unthinkable that the United Kingdom can make a conscious decision to deploy a prince within the military to the Malvinas, knowing the great emotional sensitivity both of mothers and fathers in the United Kingdom and in Argentina, who lost sons and daughters in a war of islands with a population of so few.

I normally steer clear of angry political stuff like this, but Penn's one sided comments are hilarious and about as helpful as a suit of armor made from venison would be in protecting you from a wolf attack. Before anyone leaps to his defence let me just tell you one story about Penn, a man who might be considered a great actor but is also notoriously difficult to work with.

While he has calmed down a lot over the years in the 80's Penn was an absolute maniac, as demonstrated on the set 'Shanghai Surprise' where he and his then wife Madonna brought new meaning to the word difficult. In fact their conduct was so childish that various sections of the crew refused to work with either of them, a situation which forced HandMade Films boss and former Beatle George Harrison to fly out to the set just to control his two lead actors.

After weeks of playing peacemaker and trying to get the film going Harrison (who by this point was completely exhausted and stressed thanks to Penn and Madge's selfish behavior) started smoking again to relieve the tension. It was a habit he never managed to kick and, 15 years later, led to his premature death from throat cancer at the age of just 58. One of the greatest musicians of all time died before his time in part because Sean Penn behaved like an arsehole. While I'm blaming him for stuff he's definitely (not) responsible for I'm also going to say he is the source of the Bird Flu epidemic, started the 100 years war and was the gunman behind the grassy knoll. You see! Sean Penn is an evil genius! The tache is the final piece of evidence. Sink the Penngrano!

Source: metro.co.uk

 

Happy Valentines Day from Vlad the Impaler

Here's a Valentine's Day poem for you,

Her Voice

The wild bee reels from bough to bough 
With his furry coat and his gauzy wing, 
Now in a lily-cup, and now 
Setting a jacinth bell a-swing,
In his wandering; 
Sit closer love: it was here I trow
I made that vow, 
Swore that two lives should be like one
As long as the sea-gull loved the sea, 
As long as the sunflower sought the sun,-
It shall be, I said, for eternity 
'Twixt you and me...Now here's a severed head!

You like that? It was written by Oscar Wilde, the last bit was added by me. It might sound a bit weird to you but if I said that to a 19th Century Taiwanese Aborigine she'd be all over me like I was a bowl of Tainan tan-tzu-mien. Yeah, the good stuff!

While most couples celebrate Valentine's Day with flowers, chocolates and candlelit dinners, archivists have unearthed evidence that a less savoury romantic gesture was practised historically - bestowing a severed head on a loved one. This left-field approach to love-making, practised by 19th-century Taiwanese aborigines, was discovered in the 150-year-old letters of botanical explorers.

Taking someone's head after killing them was a ritualistic part of life in the culture until the 1930s and suitors would present severed heads to potential partners to woo them or to brides to celebrate their marriage, according to archive material in the Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew.

Perfect, this is a great gift! Nothing says I love you like diamonds presenting your lover with the decapitated head of a foe. After all what works for cats works for humans to right? I can't tell you how many times I've come home in the morning, after a long night of skulking around the neighbours back gardens hunting vermin, and presented the family with a dead bird only to be told off and sprayed with a water bottle. What's wrong with those bloody people? It's a gift for the whole family to enjoy. Happy Valentines Day everyone!

Source: msn.co.uk

 

 

Inconsiderate Travellers #6: Return of the Corporate Edition

It nearly didn't happen you know. I nearly went a full round trip without any people putting bags on seats to stop other passengers sitting next to them or train companies overbooking their journeys, thereby forcing families to stand in the aisles or drunk weirdos shouting loudly at no one in particular while everyone in their immediate vicinity does their best Helen Keller impression. Nearly is the key word here though. There were a couple of instances of annoyance, like the reservation signs not working for a portion of the return journey and the Arriva conductor not enforcing any of the seat reservations on the way down (an all too common occurrence with them) but nothing major...until this happened.

On the way down I had the misfortune of sitting next to a couple with twin toddlers who were clearly conducting an experiment on their parents hearing by having a crocodile tears contest. After 30 minutes of constant wailing I made the decision to leave my seat and sit in the corridor so I didn't end up screaming at all four of them (although I'm pretty certain everyone around me would have applauded given the looks they were shooting the parents), amazingly the ice cold corridor and grubby floor were like a spa treatment compared to the screaming carriage of despair. I probably would have fallen asleep right there on that manky carpet had the heavy wall compartment (holding the fire extinguisher and power box) not violently swung open and scared the piss out of me.

It did provide some entertainment though, especially when I noticed the DANGER! sign; just imagining the various ways that this thing could have hurt people who would have then starred in hilariously bad injury claims adverts kept me entertained for the 30 minutes it swung dangerously back and forth before I got off the train. Not one Virgin employee passed me in that time. It's really nice when major companies give me such good material to work with! God bless them, everyone!

 

The Odyssey part 4219

Well, I'm going away again. I know what you're thinking; I take more holidays than McCaulay Culkin takes diet pills but it's necessary when you have as many stressful jobs as me (model, artist and international head of Spectre).

The downside is I won't be updating this site until Monday (the 13th), the upside is I get to struggle through the snow and ice that has so stricken that poor, rundown country I call my neighbour (England). Fear not all you stranded folk of England, an out of shape ginger Welshman is coming to save you all...by moaning a bit and throwing snide remarks your way.

 

 

 

Knowledge = Fear

There is no lingering dread in this world quite like the fear you get when a bank statement arrives and it appears to be bulging at the seams. What follows is a familiar routine: slowly ripping open the envelope as you try and control your nervous shaking and massive sweat, only to find that the reason it appeared so full was because your bank has sent you a hefty booklet explaining the new and exciting ways they have found of fleecing you of your money. So nothing to worry about then.

According to this article though that very fear is what makes us Brits such conscientious balance checkers,

Nearly four in 10 people know the balance of their current account to the nearest £5, as the squeeze on finances and the rise in internet banking has bred a "generation of compulsive bank balance checkers", research has found.

People become cash-strapped 17 days after payday on average, but one in 10 consumers said their finances come under pressure within a week of receiving their monthly salary, Halifax's survey said.

More than one in five (21%) said they check their bank balance at least once a day, and a further 22% take a look more than three times a week.

I have to admit I check my balance far less than I should do, but then again I know what it'll more than likely say: Incomings this month = £400,000 of modelling work, £1,500,000 from the Nobel committee and £100,000 general greatness pay. Outgoings this month = £300,000 on comics, £400,000 on computer games, £300,000 on wrestling memorabilia, £1,000,000 on Chinese food and vimto and finally £500,000 to help clear Miquita Oliver's tax bill. You see, it all balances out! Nothing to worry about. Oh wait, hang on...oops.

Source: totallymoney.com

 

Hollywood Studio Execs are courageous

Believe it or not, but the folks who make decisions in Hollywood are probably the bravest people on earth. You might think that volcanologists are brave because they're always dicing with death in the name of science, but those guys are a bunch of whimpering cowards compared to the green light brigade.

I mean who else would have the balls big enough to say something like, "I think the board game Battleships would make a great film" and not be afraid of the rest of the room breaking into uncontrollable laughter at the very mention of such a mind crushingly stupid idea? These guys aren't afraid of anything...partly because they've surrounded themselves with large numbers of sycophants who's only function in life is to say yes to anything they say.

But even the world's biggest sycophant (WWE Executive Vice President of Talent Relations John Laurinaitis would be a top 5 candidate) would have to raise an eyebrow and perform a sharp intake of breathe at this one,

Russell Brand is rumoured to be playing Worzel Gummidge in a big-screen adaptation of Worzel Gummidge.

The actor, who has previously starred in films like Get Him to the Greek and Arthur, is in talks to bag the role of the talking scarecrow in the new movie. Peter Jackson, who is currently shooting The Hobbit, is being lined up to direct. 

ITV's famous Worzel Gummidge show, which was based on Barbara Euphan Todd's books, featured Doctor Who's John Pertwee and Una Stubbs as Aunt Sally. Hollywood producer Patrick Pidgeon, who is hoping to remake the show, told The Daily Star: 'The actor who plays Worzel doesn't have to look like John Pertwee. 

'I want to come up with a new way of how the character became Worzel. And maybe we could take him out of a rural setting into a Victorian town.'

Yeah, because that'll make this a success: a film full of Dickensian squalor and an actor who can only do sad or loud. This comes just three months after the announcement that The Munsters is being remade, only this time it will be a serious and edgy story...about Frakenstein's monster living with two vampires, a wolf boy and an all American blonde girl who can't stop smiling.

A TV Producer once told me that whenever he held a production meeting he would assign one person in the room to be an idiot. The idiot would be there to blurt out anything that popped into their head, no matter how dumb it was they had to say it. 99% would be useless rubbish but 1% might be workable ideas, unfortunately it now seems that these designated idiots are the people responsible for commissioning films. Anyone up for seeing a dramatic reenactment of the events surrounding the desecration of the Blue Peter garden in the early 80's? Because I'm pretty certain we could get that made now.

Source: metro.co.uk

 

 

Ahmadinejad must prefer Family Guy

It's cool and necessary to make fun of other countries, otherwise how would we know they are stupid and to be feared? Take Iran for example; they have an angry little bearded man with weird looking eyes as their president. That's funny and rife for ridicule.

On the other hand they have over 1 million soldiers on standby and can appear driven by a deep routed religious fervour which has been heightened ever since the Bush administration decided to shake their fists at the previous Iranian president; a moderate reformist. Now that's something to be feared.

You know what isn't to be feared or ridiculed? This,

D’oh! Iranian officials have banned dolls based on Bart, Homer and the rest of the Simpsons clan in an ongoing fight against “Western intoxication,” Reuters reported. The ban comes a few weeks after Iran’s morality police pulled Barbie from the country’s shelves due to her “destructive cultural and social consequences.”

Mohammad Hossein Farjoo, secretary at the Institute for the Intellectual Development of Children and Young Adults in Tehran, cited the Springfield family’s notoriously self-centered and irreligious attitudes as offensive, and thus not welcome in Iran. Iconic American superheroes like Superman and Spider-Man can remain, however, because they’re known to battle for the oppressed.

I'd have thought the route cause of 'Western intoxication' was Western intoxicants, not cartoons. Anyway at least they get to keep Spiderman (a 17 year old New York loud mouth with father issues) and Superman (a jacked up alien who is so blinded by his own sense of duty and Godlike powers that he sees his iconic uniform as his skin) so that balances things out doesn't it. By the way I was joking earlier about Xenophobia being ok, I deplore discrimination in all its form...I'm also saying this because I don't want 1 million angry Iranians invading North Wales on my account. I don't think our army of 700,000 sheep would stand much of a chance.

Source: Time.com

 

 

Goodness me, how rude!

Superbowl #17478 was on last night (between 3am and like midday or something) and was the usual mix of indecipherable commentary by men who sound completely disinterested and overpaid psychopaths trying to cripple each other in the name of achieving an outdated ancient Greek dream of divinity through physical supremacy. So a bit like Wrestlemania only without the brilliant Shawn Michaels matches.

The one highlight for people who are suckered in by the pageantry every year is the totally bonkers half time show. The performances are almost always classics, and who can forget such well known shows such as, "It's a Small World: 25 years of the Superbowl" by Disney, "White Magic and a salute to the 1992 Winter Olympic Games" by Gloria Estefan and Janet Jackson getting her tit out on stage while Justin Timberlake looked at it and wondered why her areola was so large.

Last night though was something a bit different. MIA gave us a bit more than just a straight forward show; she gave us the middle finger and shouted a naughty swear word at us to. The NFL and NBC both apologised, but by then I was already alternating between vomiting into the toilet and burning my clothes in a bin while crying my eyes out. WHYYYYY?!

“The obscene gesture in the performance was completely inappropriate, very disappointing and we apologize to our fans,” said Brian McCarthy, spokesman for the NFL, according to The Associate Press.

The action eluded the NBC censors by less than a second, as viewers at home clearly saw M.I.A.’s middle finger raised, followed by a brief blurring of part of the stage.
“Our system was late to obscure the inappropriate gesture and we apologize to our viewers,” NBC spokesman Christopher McCloskey told the AP.

Too late Mr. NFL man, way too late. My innocence is gone forever now, along with my previously held believe that all musicians were restrained people with impeccable manners. I bet Madonna's behind all this, she must have paid MIA a lot of money to get her to be controversial so that everyone would be distracted from the fact that El Madgerino hasn't hit a note live in at least 10 years. No one notices the old woman with the scary arms who's singing flat when you've got a 36 year old Londoner flipping everyone the bird. And how about that Madonna aye! Ending her performance with the words “world peace” spelled out in lights. She doesn’t care who’s toes she steps on, she’s so edgy. Take that, People Against World Peace.

Source: the AP

 

 

AAHHH!! It shouldn't be!

Ewww ewwww ewww ewww EEEEWWWWW!!!

Most cat-owners will tell you that kittens have two faces - a sleepy one and a hungry one - but a couple in Florida literally have an extra mouth to feed this week after a healthy kitten with an extra head was born.

The little black cat has been appropriately named Harvey Dent by his owners Nash Hand and Amanda Forsythe after the villain Two-Face from the Batman series.

There is nothing villainous about Harvey Dent - his owners have described him as healthy and otherwise normal.

He was born in Port Charlotte, Florida, this week, local media reported.

Describing the moment he told his wife, Mr Hand said: '[She said] "What are you talking about? What do you mean two faces?" I said it has two faces! This cat has two faces!'

"What do you mean it has two faces?", "I mean our cat is an abomination!!!" Oh god, now I know why the ancient Greeks were so freaked out by the idea of a three headed dog guarding the entrance to Hades, whenever I used to think about it I thought they were a bunch of olive eating pussies but now I get it! It's a good name for the cat though, although one side isn't an acid burned mess, it's just ANOTHER BLOODY FACE!

There's this theory in the field of robotics called 'The Uncanny Valley' which says that when human replicas look and act almost, but not perfectly, like actual human beings, it causes a response of utter revulsion among humans. The "valley" is a dip in a proposed graph of the positivity of human reaction as a function of a robot's human likeness, basically; we're ok with robots until they hit about 95% anthropomorphic then we freak the fuck out. I'm fine with that though, this however is the opposite: The Canny Valley, or maybe The Catty Valley! Get it away from me! It's looking at me with it's four eyes! OK, seriously I have to run away now, bye!

Source: metro.co.uk

 

 

I know what you're thinking!

I can read your thoughts you know, oh yes! You're thinking, "I really hope he can't read minds, because if he can he'll realise I really like him in a special way...eeek!" well that's ok, you're only human after all. The other thing about being able to read minds is I know when interesting stuff is going to happen before it does, like that time I predicted that Pearl Harbour would be a piece of crap before it came out, or when I foresaw a free meal on the horizon when my mother asked if she could take me out to lunch for a catch up, and the time I was out walking, noticed that it had started raining and was instantly able to use my telepathic ability to predict that I would get soaked.

Now, after years of being the only person gifted in this way, I may be joined by scores of other mind readers. It'll be like Scanners only set in Wales!

A first step has been taken towards hearing imagined speech using a form of electronic telepathy, it has been claimed.

Scientists believe in future it may be possible to "decode" the thoughts of brain-damaged patients who cannot speak.

In a study described by one British expert as "remarkable", US researchers were able to reconstruct heard words from brain wave patterns. A computer programme was used to predict what spoken words volunteers had listened to by analysing their brain activity.

There's a lot of statements here that leave me feeling more than a little skeptical, like the part where they say a British expert described the study as "remarkable", I just feel that this is one of those occasions when they should name the expert. If it's one of the Jedward twins then that isn't exactly a sound endorsement for this particular study. Oh well, until the day comes when I can command an army of telepaths I'll continue to amaze people with my amazingly accurate predictions...I'm seeing something now...yes, you will have lots of water in your future, and oxygen. Yes, it's very clear now; lots of water and oxygen. Man I'm good.

Source: pa.press.net

 

 

Inconsiderate Travellers #5: The Corporate Edition

It's back, yet again, and isn't it telling that every time I use public transport in this country I run into some sort of selfish, obnoxious or downright arrogant behavior, and that's just from the miserable sod behind the counter at the train station. This time it's far worse; normally it's some middle aged woman putting her Dorothy Perkins bags on the window seat next to her so no one can sit there, but this time the major corporations have gotten involved.

It goes like this: Arriva run the North Wales rail services, they bid for the contract, won, and it became theirs to do with as they wanted. Guess what they chose to do with the trains in North Wales, go on, guess! They decided that every train was going to be made up of Two carriages. That's their strategy: two carriages everywhere.

I once went down to Cardiff for a Wales vs Australia rugby test match (the last one Wales won against the Aussies on home soil) and they put on...you got it, two carriages for every rugby fan in North Wales to use to get down to the capital in time for the game, both of them were rammed full of pensioners, families and drunks who wet themselves in the aisle next to me. Hundreds of people complained and were reassured that it would never happen again.

That was 2008, have they changed anything? Well...no. Any train you get from Chester to Holyhead is two carriages and they are always busy. So Arriva, seeing the error of their ways no doubt, have put extra seats in selected areas. As you can see from the plush La-Z-Boy esque loungers they've installed in the corridor between carriages the company have certainly taken a proactive approach to easing overcrowding. On a related note my hands are bigger than Andre The Giant's, in fact mine are so big they make his look like Warwick Davis' hands...ok I'm lying, I have small hands defined by years of playing computer games and Arriva have taken the easy way out by putting these miniscule things in the corridors instead of attaching another carriage to the train. In 5 years of using this service regularly I haven't once seen it less than standing room only. Please Arriva, as a very early Christmas present, put one more carriage on your services. If you do I'll make sure you win the Nobel Prize for ummm...best international newcomer or something.

 

 

You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, sir. Bravo!

OH MY GOD!!! Someone just told me there are going to be prequels written for the Watchmen collection (without doubt the greatest and most important comic book series ever released) I have to read more, this is going to be amazing! Oh good, the BBC have the skinny on it! Yay!! Nothing could ruin this for me!

Seven comic book prequels based on the celebrated 1986 series Watchmen are to be produced by DC Comics - without the participation of its original creators.

Neither writer Alan Moore nor artist Dave Gibbons will be involved in the prequels, to be collectively referred to as Before Watchmen.

Set in an alternate version of 20th Century America, Watchmen told of a group of crime-fighting vigilantes.

A Hollywood film version, directed by Zack Snyder, was released in 2009. Each prequel will focus on a different character or set of characters from the original series, which became the best-selling graphic novel of all time when published in a single collection.

It will mark the first time the likes of Rorschach, Doctor Manhattan, Nite Owl and Ozymandias will have been seen outside of its pages. "It's our responsibility as publishers to find new ways to keep all of our characters relevant," said Dan DiDio and Jim Lee of DC Entertainment.

Mother. Fuckers. Is it not enough that they've battered this series' legacy with a less than worthwhile film and an endless stream of crappy merchandise (my doomsday wall clock broke quicker than an Italian cruise liner) but they now feel the need to sully it further with prequels written and drawn by someone other than the originators?!

Doesn't Dan Didio (who, according to the article, now shares a hive mind with Jim Lee as they seem to be able to say exactly the same thing at the same time as one another) think that the reason this was great in the first place was because Moore and Gibbons were at their creative zenith and were driven by the events going on in the world around them to create such a pitch perfect masterpiece?

Bah!! I don't know, it's all spelled out there in black and white: a statement like, "It's our responsibility as publishers to find new ways to keep all of our characters relevant," Is about as transparent as it gets. For 'responsibility' read 'desire' and for 'to find new ways to keep all of our characters relevant' read 'to find new ways of making money off of a hugely successful series'. Like something this good ever becomes irrelevant and needs expanding. Incidentally, do keep an eye out for DC's new series' to be published soon, including "Clash of the Titans on Mars", "Romeo, Juliet and Dupree" and "Catch 23: This Time It's Not War".

Source: BBC

 

 

 

Because there's more to life than hyperbole, picking sides and forgetting your laptop when you've promised to update your website...I'm a moron, sorry.
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