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Inconsiderate Travellers #26

Oh how impressive train passengers have been lately. Courteously moving their stuff so others can sit next to them, not screaming at each other in a way that makes people around them question whether they're deaf and saving the binge drinking for an appropriate location like the pub or the nearest park bench. It's like they've all seen this page and taken note.

While I knew it couldn't last forever I genuinely didn't see anything as selfish as this coming. Just look at this picture, honestly, have you ever witnessed anything as staggeringly inconsiderate as this in your whole life?

Yesterday was a funny old day for travelling; the flood warnings were in place but my route was largely unaffected, I managed to get a much earlier train at Crewe and arrived at Milton Keynes with plenty of time to get to my next stop. Only instead of waiting for a quicker, much larger train I foolishly jumped on the first one I could find and paid the price for my impatience.

The London Midland trains aren't exactly known for their ample storage space. You get a little overhead space, the small bit underneath your seat and that's it. Although London Midland are definitely to blame for their livestock truck approach to train travel that doesn't excuse this type of behaviour.

I had a similar sized suitcase and hand luggage and still managed to leave a seat spare beside me for someone else to use on what was a packed train. This suitcase belonged to a guy who was sitting two rows behind it. Not only did he choose to sit miles away from his luggage he didn't even attempt to stand it up, thereby only filling one seat instead of both.

Thankfully on this occasion the ticket inspector did her job and asked him to move it. When he still hadn't shifted it 5 minutes later she told him he'd either have to put it somewhere else or she'd charge him for 2 extra journeys on top of the one he had already purchased. This woman is my new hero, she's up their with Amelia Earhart and Marie Curie except she's still alive which, in many ways, makes her better than those two losers.


We the people...don't want him back

In case any of you reading this have just emerged from a 20 year coma let me furnish you with a list of Piers Morgan's career highlights.

He was sacked after a successful run at The Daily Mirror for publishing pictures that showed the torture of an Iraqi detainee which later turned out to be fake.

He made a total arse of himself on Have I Got News For You by taking his feud with Ian Hislop public and behaving like a petulant child.

He got his head kicked in by Jeremy Clarkson for persistently trying to ruin his life, and, to cap it all off, he may have lied to the Leveson Inquiry about his involvement the phone hacking scandal.

Of course all of that meant he was the ideal candidate to take over from legendary frog faced newsman Larry King on CNN's evening lineup. Because in the media, if you know the right people, you can actually fail upwards.

Since he started on CNN he has had several eventful interviews, like the one he conducted with Vietnam war veteran, wrestler, actor, commentator, former Mayor and Governor of Minnesota Jesse "The Body" Ventura. For a while Morgan had Ventura on the ropes until he made the mistake of calling Ventura a coward, something that is bound to raise the ire of a war veteran no matter what the situation.

More recently he's created another storm by getting involved in the gun control debate that's been raging ever since the Connecticut shootings. That a dirty foreigner (who sounds like Hugh Grant but has none of the charm) has had the gall to express an unpopular opinion has caused a lot of very angry individuals to start shouting the old "America, love it or leave it" slogan.

In fact the situation has gotten so heated that 80,000 rednecks have signed a petition on the White House's official website to have the smarmy bastard deported. Unfortunately for them nearly 8,000 different people (who for some reason have a say in Government legislation even though they aren't American) have signed a petition to keep Morgan out of the UK.

If both petitions get debated and passed we could end up with a situation where poor old Piers is kicked out of one country but not allowed back into any others. He would have to sail the high seas living the life of a pirate, occasionally docking in Tortuga to bury his booty (hehe) and do a new installment of Piers Morgan's Life Stories with Blackbeard! Arrr!

Source: We The People


Scarier than Balamory

There are certain things you expect when you go to a cinema these days: paying over the odds for shit food that will make you miss 5 minutes of the film because you desperately need a pee, a small group of teenagers attempting to ruin the film by making crude jokes and spotting that one employee who wanders in just after the film's started to make sure nobody's being murdered on the back row.

The other thing you expect is to see a film, especially if you've paid around £15 so you and your partner/friend/hostage can go and experience it on a giant screen with surround sound.

Of course, not being a retard, you've thoroughly checked in advance that the film is appropriate for the people you're bringing with you, and won't upset or offend them.

I mean if you showed up to a film that featured terrorism, mutilation, kidnapping and mass murder with your 6 year old child you could be in line for the "Dumbest Parent of The Year" award, or you could just do what every other lazy moron does in this situation and complain about it.

Film classification chiefs have seen "a spike" in the number of people complaining about a controversial film portraying Jesus and his disciples as gay men - even though it does not exist.

The British Board of Film Classification's (BBFC) senior examiner Craig Lapper said there was a "constant issue" with rumours that a movie version had been made of a controversial play called Corpus Christi.

The play, by Terrence McNally, is set in modern-day America and deals with issues including gay marriage but has never been made into a film.

The BBFC received six complaints about it in 2011 and another two queries this year, with complainants often asking them to ban the film on the grounds it is blasphemous and offensive.

But it has a long way to go before it matches the numbers generated by the most complained about film of the last 10 years - Batman: The Dark Knight.

There were more than 300 complaints about the 2008 film which starred Christian Bale as the masked superhero and Heath Ledger as The Joker, with many people feeling it was too dark and violent for its 12A rating.

Well, if the film is labelled as "12 years old unless accompanied by an adult" maybe that's a clue that it's a bit too intense for that child of yours that still watches CBBC. Pointless complaints aside the other part of this story is far more interesting than the Dark Knight rating issue. That people would whinge about a film that doesn't even exist is a little scary and typical of a group of individuals that need to fill their free time with more constructive activities (which is one of the reasons why I started this website).

This wouldn't be the first time that people have complained about something they didn't actually witness themselves, remember the Russell Brand/Johnathan Ross 'Sachsgate' thing? Half of the people who complained about that didn't hear about it until the situation had already been perceived as controversial. That being said at least Sachsgate actually happened, and people were well within their rights to complain about it after the fact, as we all paid their wages through the TV licence.

I would imagine these complaints are viewed by the BBFC as somewhat frivolous. They get a hard time from creative types who view them as overly powerful censors but the BBFC generally do a pretty good job. Curtain twitchers and shit stirrers should bear that in mind the next time they want to feel the rush of power that they only get from complaining. It's probably a sexual thing with them, which makes Mary Whitehouse their version of a dominatrix.

Source: MSN


Well that's an interesting way to celebrate Christmas

Everyone likes to relax and take it easy over Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa and this can take many forms. Some people play games, some people (me) overindulge in food and others get absolutely blotto.

There's nothing wrong with the odd sherry at Christmas, in the same way there's nothing wrong with being a bit merry.

Although it's usually a good idea for people who have trouble controlling themselves when they are drunk to avoid the stuff entirely.

When some of those same folk tend towards the criminal endangerment end of the scale of drunkenness then it's best for humanity in general that they not be allowed near booze. Ever. Like this idiot.

A drunk British man was arrested on Tuesday after driving a stolen car on an Amsterdam airport runway "for a few minutes".

The unnamed passenger who was headed home for Christmas had pushed an emergency exit button at one of Schiphol airport's gates, stumbled onto the tarmac and stole a car belonging to an airport contractor, police spokesman Dennis Muller said.

"He drove around for a few minutes but at no point was there any danger to flight traffic," he said. "There aren't many flights on Christmas Eve and there were none at all at the time he took the car.

"We're investigating exactly where he went in the car. Mr Muller said the incident happened between 1:00am and 2:00am (local time) on Christmas Day.

Police said they did not yet know exactly where the passenger was headed, but it was in Britain. "We don't know why he took the car, these are things you do when you're drunk," Mr Muller said, adding that the man would "take a while to get sober".

By "take a while to get sober" does he really mean "regain consciousness after we beat him mercilessly for being such a tit"? I love how this guy was so drunk he thought he could just drive back to the UK from Amsterdam. You might assume he was heading back to France so he could get the channel tunnel, but that's far too logical for someone this drunk.

He probably thought he could plunge into the ocean and the car would transform into the Bond submarine vehicle or, even more likely for someone this bladdered, he thought the car had similar abilities to those attributed to Jesus and could speed across the waves all the way to Dover. Men are idiots, drunk men are hilarious.

Source: ABC


It's the most workshy time of the year

As you might have expected I'm going to be posting far less than usual over the next few days.

With it being that special time of year I've decided to forgo work on Christmas day and New Year's Eve/day in favour of gorging myself on so much food that I temporarily lose control of basic brain functions like respiration and breathing.

I should also point out that I'll be travelling down south again next week so don't expect any posts on Thursday the 3rd as I'll be travelling back on the train (or swimming through the flooded ruins of the part of the country once known as the West Midlands).

To all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, "may your...somethings...be merry and brown!" those are the White Christmas lyrics right? Ah who cares, Bing Crosby used to beat his kids.

Happy Turkey day Y'all!


Voice of the voiceless

I'm sure a good portion of you have often wondered how my smooth, sexy and in no way hyperactive voice would sound if I were to use it to express my opinion (and pass judgement) on the world of professional wrestling. Would I sound like a well informed and educated expert or a giddy moron who's been obsessing over wrestling for longer than The Russian Federation has been in existence?

Well now is your opportunity to find out, because I have recorded a podcast with Alice Radley of Rational Wrestling Review. Episode 6 (which is also available on iTunes) in the series features our discussion on the current state of the global companies, an insight into my history with wrestling and a debate on just how much Cilantro (Coriander) is too much for people who live in California.

Hopefully the slightly annoying Skype clipping stuff will disappear by then, otherwise future episodes might involve me shouting very loudly in the general direction of the west coast of America.

When you get a chance please visit Alice's excellent site and listen to the other episodes. Each one has a different and interesting take on the world of wrestling. If this works out well and the podcast is well received I could see it becoming a semi-regular gig, something else for me to use as a creative outlet for my very busy mind.

Or I could (in the tradition of the wrestling business) go into business for myself and do a swerve turn on my new tag team partner Shawn Michaels style. Only, you know, without throwing her through a window, that's just totally inappropriate.

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Time to rearrange the food chain

Look at that amazing creature. It has a majesty and grace unequalled in the world of man. Not only does it seem to be the very embodiment of evolutionary beauty but it's skill as a hunter is something that would make even Sun Tzu jealous.

If there is an animal that it deems edible in it's eye line you'd better believe that poor little thing is a potential meal.

There's nothing cruel, unusual or sadistic about that, that's just survival of the fittest. Since the dawn of time it has been the agenda of every living thing to become as dominant (and therefore safe) as it possibly can be.

As a result of the passage of time (and the fact that it lacks the intellectual capacity to do something that a society could judge as "evil") this beast is free to attack and devour anything it wants.

To comment on such actions would be to misunderstand...oh my god is it trying to snatch that baby? Shoot her! Kill all the fucking Eagles! This means war you monstrous bastards!! RRRAAAAHHHHH!!!

Update: It's a fake. Damn!


Bana Ba Ba Baaah! Go fuck yourself!

I reckon McDonald's is a wonderful place to work based on my experiences eating there. I mean think about it: there's always a calm atmosphere, the customers are very patient and courteous and the architecture is amongst some of the most iconic in the whole country...oh wait, I'm thinking of the National Gallery Cafe, McDonald's is a shithole.

The stories I've heard over the years of the practices and behaviour of the employees and the company itself would be enough to turn your stomach and make you go vegan on principle.

Possibly the only thing worse than shoddy business practices is the way they treat their employees. Corners are cut, wages are pathetic and as for the disciplinary process, well...

A MCDONALD’S worker has won £3,000 compensation after being sacked for GROSS MISCONDUCT – for sprinkling too much chocolate on a McFlurry.

Sarah Finch, 19, was fired for giving her workmate extra sprinkles on the 99p ice cream, which she had paid for.

Yet, bosses justified Sarah's dismisal (dismissal not dismisal, Jesus where do they find these people?) by accusing her of giving away food without payment.

The teenager, from Kidwelly, West Wales, said: “The matter was trivial, in that I provided a fellow employee, who was purchasing a dessert, a generous sprinkling of chocolate pieces.”

The £180-a-week worker went on to say: “There is no standard for such measures - they are always imprecise and will vary among customers.

“My colleague had asked me: ‘Make it a nice one. So the measure I gave erred on the side of more than, rather than less than, the mean.’

Her mother, accountant Tessa Finch, said: “We’ve been instructed not to say anything and I have to stand by that,” before adding: “But, we had them firmly by the knackers and they had to pay up.”

Sarah, who is studying for her A Levels in chemistry, physics and biology, was described as an ‘exceptional employee’ before being sacked. The unfair dismissal claim was settled out of court and she was awarded more than £3,000 compensation. A spokesman for the McDonalds franchise said: “This matter has now been resolved to the satisfaction of both parties.”

Fucking Scrooges. I've heard tons of dodgy excuses for sacking someone (I've even been the victim of a few myself) but this one takes the chocolate sprinkles. Even in a sector of the economy where it's incredibly easy to dismiss someone if you feel like it (in the public sector you have to goose step your way into work dressed as Hitler before they sack you) there are still various stages of disciplinary action every employer has to follow before they can sack a worker.

As a wage slave you are supposed to get a (usually unofficial) verbal warning, an official written warning, a second official written warning and, if you are really bad at your job, a final written warning before you are let go for being a hopeless waste of space. The situation described in the article really only requires a subtle talking to or a really embarrassing/patronising, "Everyone around here needs to work together as a team otherwise we all suffer" speech, which only serves to make the person giving it look like a hollow automaton.

As a way of protesting this disgraceful behaviour I'm only ever going to eat at the golden arches when it is an emergency.*

*Emergency situations include: apocalyptic scenarios, natural disasters, when travel is nearly impossible, when I haven't eaten in days and it's a matter of life or death, late at night, when nowhere else is open, when I am very tired, when I am feeling particularly lazy, when I have very little money left, when I can't be arsed cooking, when I am in my car and lastly when it has been at least 24 hours since I last ate some McDonald's.

Source: The Sun


Justin Bieber's fans are a sensitive bunch

Fucking Justin Bieber, that's what people who can't stand him call him; "that fucking Justin Bieber". The reasons that have lead to him being named that by his strongest detractors include, but are not limited to the fact that A. His appeal is one dimensional and has a limited shelf life B. The charm he displays on stage is contrary to the incredibly brat-like behaviour he exhibits offstage and C. His fans are just as brainwashed and deluded as every other teenage heartthrob's fanbase before them.

In the past it's been easy for people to defend them with the old "Aww! It's cute! Leave them alone, they're only harmless kids". Well the harmless bit just went out of the window.

Twitter was filled with people commenting about the shooting. Some people expressed anger that the school zone had been “gun-free” while others demanded stricter gun regulation. Some were talking about the tales of heroics as teachers risked their lives to save their students. Many were talking about the horror they felt hearing that someone had murdered 20 small children. Then there were the Justin Bieber fans.

Justin had pre-taped an appearance on the "Ellen" daytime show. Amber Beatty tweeted, “Ok this story is sad and all but please put Ellen on”. Jason Coverstone tweeted “I just want to watch Ellen, not this shooting coverage!”.

“Ugh! The stupid shooting is all over the news and cutting into my Ellen and Justin Bieber!!! So mad!!!” tweeted Chloe G, as if it never occurred to her that the parents of those children who were murdered would much rather have their children back and let her watch “Ellen”.

All of these geniuses have either been removed or sneakily tried to change their Twitter address (like @Boomba143) in a feeble attempt to avoid being battered by critics, hounded by the media and hacked by any number of angry nerds. Of course none of that makes any difference because, as Miquita Oliver's accountant can tell you, the internet is written in ink, not pencil.

This will all blow over eventually but these poorly considered comments might come back to bite them in the arse when they least expect it. You see, we live in a culture of finger pointing and moral high grounds, a place where the media will pounce and devour misjudged actions without mercy and later laugh about them on "100 biggest idiots of the year" countdown shows.

There is every chance that some of these Beliebers will use this as a learning experience, and show the kind of growth and maturity that their chipmunk faced idol has yet to project. Or they could just carry on offending people around them by randomly blurting out every moronic thought that enters their heads. Either's good really.

Source: The Examiner


Now that's a reunion!

I realise this is the 4th video I've posted on here this month but it really has been a good one for virals and...well...I've got another cold so this takes some of the weight off of coming up with original ways to take the piss out of weird things in the news. This video is brought to us by some lucky bastard who was in the crowd at the Hurricane Sandy benefit concert on Wednesday.

It features Krist Novoselic (Nirvana bassist), Pat Smear (Nirvana and Foo Fighters guitarist), Dave Grohl (Nirvana drummer, Foo Fighters lead singer and guitarist, Queens of the Stone Age drummer, Them Crooked Vultures drummer, Tenacious D guitarist and lover of fine ale) and Paul McCartney (Wings bassist) 3 of which are the surviving members of Nirvana who haven't played together in 20 years. The other one has lovely hair.

This is a monumental moment, not only because Paul McCartney sounds fucking amazing but also because it features a reunion of one of the most influential and important bands of all time. The annoying thing about the situation is the majority of the videos of the performance have already disappeared from the internet due to a variety of legal bullshit. Hopefully this one won't, but if it does be warned music rights owners: if you pull this video I'm going to replace it with a picture of Courtney Love, and nobody wants that, so just play nice ok!?

Update 17/12/2012: See what you fucking did Music Right Owners? Now this shit is happening. It's Courtney Love time!



Time and a place dude

Oh God I hate having a sore throat, it's fucking stupid how many colds I've caught this year. You know what else I hate? Mushrooms. It's not a taste thing it's more to do with the texture, that and the fact they grow in shit.

While I'm on the subject I'm not especially fond of Beyonce either, there's something about her that just makes me suspect that she may be some sort of demon inhabiting a slightly bitchy body.

You see, it's ok for me to say that (well maybe not the Beyonce thing) because this is my website. This is an appropriate arena for my insane musings.

It's also ok to be unhappy in your job as long as you remain professional and don't express your feelings to the general public while you're on the job. That's unprofessional and likely to earn you a reputation as a difficult employee.

Now, imagine if your unprofessional behavior was put on display for eagle eyed pedestrians to see and uploaded to YouTube, where your disgruntled ramblings will be freely available for anyone (including potential future employers) to watch for decades to come.

About the only way you're going to get work again after that is by setting off an EMP device outside of YouTube HQ and hoping the servers can't ever be accessed again. I hope you enjoy this all you Christmas Shoppers out there and remember what the lights say: Buy More Shit!



Kal El has finally shaved

The second "Man of Steel" trailer is here and it seems far more promising than the first one which basically looked like a trailer for the next season of The Deadliest Catch.

In those fleeting 2 minutes and 32 seconds we get to see Superman struggling with his destiny, more about his time as a whippersnapper (do we really need to see the fucking origin story again?) and the fact that he was now learned enough about humanity to realise he has to wear his Y-Fronts under his kecks.

Included in the trailer are Hollywood icon Russell Crowe, the incredibly talented Amy Adams and fan of overly long films Kevin Costner. The clip is also notable for the prominence it gives to producer Christopher Nolan (which is a good thing) and director Zack Snyder (a sort of good thing).

I'm hoping that the latest Zack Snyder offering is more 300 and Dawn of the Dead than Sucker Punch, which was a bloody awful film. I'd imagine that having a strong character like Christopher Nolan onboard would be enough to rein in some of Snyder's more ridiculous ideas and protect the integrity of a series which has so far earned Warner Bros. around $700 million. Bear in mind most of that money was made in the late 70's and early 80's so, when you adjust that figure for inflation, you get a grand total of somewhere around $900 Trillion...maybe, what do I know I'm terrible at maths.


Suspend your disbelief

I really didn't have much planned for last weekend. I was thinking about going on one of my long walks, cleaning a bit and maybe doing some Christmas shopping (which, recently, has become about as appealing as chopping off my thumbs), but nothing was set in stone.

That all changed when I got a call from my best friend inviting to go and see Preston City Wrestling on Sunday. Obviously, being a veteran explorer, I decided that the hoovering could wait and I'd travel the relatively short distance to sunny Preston to watch people batter each other for money and adulation...but mostly money.

Preston's a great place for a day out; there are loads of bargains to be had (like the massive British Heart Foundation furniture and electronics shop that sells TV's for £40 and leather chairs for £60) and an all you can eat Chinese place that's bigger than my local University's library. Man that was a shit load of Chinese food.

After arriving and briefly walking around the venue (which was a nightclub) we settled into seats that weren't ours for the Q&A session featuring former WWE stars Eugene (Nick Dinsmore), Chris Masters (Christopher Mordetzky), John Morrison (John Hennigan) and hilarious Irish independent character Mad Man Manson.

After an interesting, funny and impressively candid series of questions (in which we learned that Eugene isn't allowed back in Japan and Manson is happy wrestling part time) the meet and greet began which was probably the least fun part of the day.

The wrestling version of a meet and greet is a little different from what you'd normally expect from something with such a cordial name. In the wrestling world you queue up with 300 other suckers, hand over an extortionate amount of money for a signed 8x10 picture, spend 30 seconds talking to the talent, have your picture taken and then quietly shuffle off like the mark you are.

Following a coeliac friendly dinner at Yates' we headed back to the...erm...club for the evening show. A part of me had been dreading the evening event because it quickly became obvious to everyone in attendance that the 100 or so seats at ringside wouldn't be anywhere near enough for the entire audience to rest their bottoms on. Fortunately the action was so compelling and the crowd so hot that the seating arrangements never became an issue.

The 700 fans who were there had a whale of a time. When a pair of wrestlers accidentally wiped out another wrestlers mother (and her chair) at ringside the crowd starting chanting "Lionheart's Mum!" when it became apparent that she was ok. When Mad Man Manson asked the crowd who he should pick as his tag team partner they suggested a skinny teenaged fan dressed as Sting sitting in the front row. When Eugene petted the seeing eye dog of a blind fan the whole audience erupted into chants of "Woof! Woof! Woof!". The workers themselves couldn't have asked for a more rabid and unique crowd.

Of the wrestlers who worked the show the real standout performers were technical wrestling god and Pro Wrestling NOAH regular Zack Sabre Jr, El Ligero (pictured left), Joey Hayes, Kris Travis, 19 year old wunderkind Noam Dar and all of the American imports (particularly Masters who, after years of improvement, is now the finished article in terms of all round wrestling ability).

I'm told that the event was a financial success even before the merchandise and extra bits were sold on the day itself, that's a very good sign for the future of the company. If anyone was wondering if the show was a critical success in the ring be under no illusions; this was the second best wrestling show I have ever seen live, behind only Dragon Gate's first UK show.

Hopefully the people behind PCW can use this show as a launching pad for monthly and possibly bimonthly shows that pull similar crowds. If that happens the results for everyone involved with the company (and British wrestling) could be a much needed boom period and fresh opportunities for the talent to progress further and the fans to enjoy bigger and better events. Cross your fingers folks.


The guardians of earth have arrived

Duuhh Du Du Duuhh Duuuhhhh Duh Duh Duh. Duh Du Du Duuhh Duuuhhhh Bald Oldman!

If the end of the world really is nigh, the British public have declared who they want to save them: Bruce Willis and Sigourney Weaver.

The two actors were picked as the Hollywood action heroes best placed to save humanity from the brink of disaster in an online poll of 2,000 Brits.

More than one in four respondents put their faith in Willis, who played Harry Stamper in Armageddon, and Weaver, who was Ellen Ripley in Aliens.

The survey, carried out by OnePoll for online movie provider blinkbox, revealed that 57% of people were aware of the Mayan prophecy of the apocalypse and 13% confessed to being worried. An asteroid strike was the most likely cause of the end of the world, closely followed by a natural disaster and a nuclear explosion.

Those surveyed also revealed where they would feel safest when the apocalypse arrives: 27% said in an underground bunker and 26% said at home, while 6% picked under a duvet. Asked which movie best resembled what the end of the world will look like, respondents plumped for The Day After Tomorrow, the 2004 flick in which global warming ushered in a new ice age.

Interesting choice people of Britain, but I think I'll stick with the army, NASA and a bunker buried deep underground filled with chinese food and vimto as my options for end of the world survival. I'm glad they've picked Sigourney Weaver though, she's a sensible choice. By all accounts she's really really nice, so if Aliens do land on earth she'd either be able to intimidate them with her reputation established in films that will have been broadcast into space accidentally (and probably interpreted as historical fact by an alien race unfamiliar with popular culture) or, if that didn't work, she could just turn on the legendary Weaver charm.

Bruce Willis, on the other hand, is a complete and total dick. If you're looking for someone to save your arse Bruce isn't your guy. He's got better things to do with his time like trying to enlist in the army even though he's way too old or getting really angry because his ex-wife's ex-husband may have banged Rihanna. If aliens land and this guy is there to greet them he'll just end up pissing them off by being rude or flipping out on them, then they'll blow us up or just move aside and let the asteroid obliterate us. Thanks a lot Bruce Willis.

Source: MSN


Yes! I am now officially in!

I seem to have this terrible habit of getting very excited over films way before they come out. Even after years of training in critical writing and studying various forms of art I'm still a sucker for publicity and hype.

I like to pretend I let it wash over me and that I allow myself to get caught up in the excitement created by the marketing, but the truth is those bastards are so conniving I literally have no control over it.

Fortunately, like the person who is still sane enough to recognise they've gone slightly mad, I am aware of the situation, and have learned to embrace this easily manipulated, unevolved animal part of myself. The healthiest thing I can do is to let it run free in a field of advertising coercion and hollow marketing promises.

So, self assessment over, let's all take a minute to relax, breathe deeply and HOLY SHIT THE NEW STAR TREK FILM HAS A TRAILER!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!

One of the most exciting parts of the trailer is the image of a deeply menacing Benedict Cumberbatch looming over the entire trailer like some sort of guppy faced megalomaniac.

For some reason the buzz about the trailer surrounds the Japanese version. I'm not entirely sure why but who cares!? It's in English and has an extra futuristic look thanks to the Japanese symbols. It's kind of how a Star Trek film would look if it was made be people who lived in the Blade Runner world...man I wish I lived in a world filled with killer androids and roadside noodles bars. That would be so cool.



Before all the French bashing starts let me just say that I have absolutely nothing against the cheese eating surrender monkeys. They have some of the most beautiful cities and countryside anywhere on the planet, have a rich and fascinating history and have provided the world with some of the greatest artists of all time.

This next fact may come as a surprise to most people, but the French are also the most successful nation in terms of military triumphs ever. Yep, the country that has become a joke amongst aggressive nations for not diving into conflicts head first know more about winning wars than any other nation.

One thing that is up for debate however is the claim that the French are excellent lovers. This has nothing to do with Olivier Martinez behaving like a chivalrous knight and everything to do with some of the male population's swimmers.

French men have long been considered the world’s best lovers but their reputation in the bedroom has taken a bit of a hit after a new study suggested their sperm count has dropped by up to a third.

The count among Gallic males has dropped dramatically between 1989 and 2005, at a rate of 1.9 per cent a year, a report published in the journal Human Reproduction claims.

The quality of sperm has also declined among French men, with the percentage of normal-shaped sperm falling by 33.4 per cent.

Epidemiologist Dr Joelle Le Moal said the findings of the study, which analysed more than 26,000 men over the 17-year period, constituted ‘a serious public health warning’.

‘To our knowledge, this is the first study concluding a severe and general decrease in sperm concentration and morphology at the scale of a whole country over a substantial period,’ he said.

This is like something out of a Hollywood movie, only instead of a virus or a zombie apocalypse or a meteorite destroying life on earth it's lazy French sperm. There are certain activities that can cause sperm counts to deteriorate and the list actually contains some surprising things. A lack of exercise (as well as too much) can be bad for your two veg, along with too much junk food, alcohol (alcoholics are notorious for their low sperm counts) and flying too much (the radiation you're exposed to at high altitude reduces fertility) are all things that can cause low fertility.

The big one for French people there is alcohol, most of them are introduced to booze at a very early age, which is normally a good way of cutting down on binge drinking and it's related problems. However it looks like it may also be costing them a future as a nation, because you just know that those sneaky, virile Swiss will hop over the border and use weapons made of Toblerones and Cuckoo clocks (which are actually Greek) to suppress the emasculated french.

Source: The Metro


It was bound to happen eventually

Seth MacFarlane, a man who has made a fortune by combining the genius of The Simpson's with the shocking yet intelligent comedy of South Park, has finally thrown in the towel.

The wealthiest snark on the planet is going to appear in an episode of The Simpsons, a show he has regularly knocked and taken the piss out of. MacFarlane will play a character that Marge meets online. They quickly arrange to meet in real life; he thinks they’re going to do it, she thinks they’re going to bake cupcakes (Yawn).

That all sounds very middle ground to me. The story is probably the result of a series of offers and counter-offers that bounced back and forth between the two teams for weeks.

I'm sure one of the suggestions would have been to portray MacFarlane's character as an insecure TV personality, who spends half his time slagging off other famous people and the other half taking whatever basic jokes his writers create and using them to shorten the narrative of each episode by 5 minutes.

This isn't actually that ground-breaking. Seth MacFarlane has worked with Matt Groening before when he sang the opening to the Futurama episode "Into the Wild Green Yonder". Most people don't know about that though, and the resulting interest in this "first time ever" event will probably draw a season high rating for The Simpsons. That'll make all three of them happy: Matt Groening, Seth MacFarlane and Rupert fucking Murdoch.


Inconsiderate Travellers #25

I've been waiting to put this edition of Inconsiderate Travellers up for 3 days because it's something of a double whammy. First you will notice the usual situation: arsehole blocking seat with bag even though there is plenty of space in overhead compartment for said bag. What you won't be able to see (mainly because this is a photograph and not a video/temporal gateway back in time to this exact moment) is my innovative solution to the problem.

But before I reveal my new fangled technique for removing bastards from seats let's Pulp Fiction this edition and go back to the start after giving you a sneaky peek at the ending.

This took place at Chester station, just as the packed train was departing for Holyhead. This particular train is always full because it departs at the exact time (5.25pm) when all the poor shop drones who work in Chester frantically run from their places of employment to the shiny Arriva shuttle to freedom.

This Indiana Jones/Crocodile Dundee/Jethro fan flung himself and his tiny laptop bag on to the nearest priority seat so he could have maximum leg room. He didn't even attempt to put his bag overhead, he just put it next to him, spread out and buried his head in a red top.

Fortunately your writer was there to set him straight. I got out of my seat and loudly challenged him to a duel right there on the train, which I expertly won by using my light weight rapier...actually none of that happened. I just sneezed.

Not at him mind you, I turned my head away from him and sneezed into a tissue. After wiping my nose I turned around and noticed the middle aged explorer had a look of disgust on his face that only Holocaust deniers have ever witnessed.

The douchebag stared at me for a what felt like an eternity then got up, grabbed his stuff, and moved down the train to get away from me. Not only does this guy deserve the protection of The Floating Head Of Henry Kissinger for being SO selfish, he also deserves it for being a massive germaphobe. You'd think someone who models themselves on explorers, crocodile hunters and farmers would be ok with a few germs by now. Maybe he's got something against handsome people.


Inconsiderate Travellers #24: Corporate Edition 5

This is the second time I've done a corporate edition of Inconsiderate Travellers about this very problem. Amazingly my journey to and from the south of England was virtually delay free, the Midlands was completely underwater sure, but I couldn't give two shits about that because I was heading to London.

Even more surprising was the availability of seats on the trip. All three of the trains I used on the first leg of the journey were damn near empty, the choice of seats was amazing.

After much umming, arring and strange looks from the other passengers I chose a seat, sat down and settled into a new graphic novel (Thy Kingdom Come).

Around about the time I hit Chester I decided to plug in my phone so I could listen to music without having to worry about the battery being dead in an hour (fucking iPhones)...only problem was nothing happened. No charging, no cool display image, no satisfying little 'Blip Bleep' noise. Just pure frustration.

I tried four other plug sockets on the carriage and they were all dead to. I tried one in the next carriage, and the next. All of them were dead. Even more amazingly it was the same on the return leg. The last time this happened it was slightly more acceptable because it was an Arriva train and, in all honesty, I expect them to fuck up, it's just what they do. But on a Virgin train I expect much better.

Hopefully this is a rare occurrence on their trains and won't happen again. If it does you'd better believe I'll be demanding compensation in the form of a week on Necker Island free of charge. I'm serious Branson, get it sorted.

Because there's more to life than hyperbole, picking sides and celebrating the fact that the Mayans were wrong about the end of the world by travelling to Guatemala and pissing on the Tikal temple
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