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Doom, gloom and a very fugly rich man

I think it's fair to say that Lord Voldemort Andrew Lloyd Webber is not the most physically attractive person you'll ever meet. You could also argue that he's not the most talented either since he seems to be constantly hounded by allegations of pinching other peoples music (Pink Floyd, Puccini and Beethoven to name a few), but at least you can say he's very good at cheerfully making lots of money off the back of his very well executed creations right? Well now he's lost that to the miserable sod,

The Olympics will cause "a bloodbath of a summer" for London theatres in 2012, Andrew Lloyd Webber has predicted. "Nobody's going to go to the theatre at all," the composer told Radio 4's Today programme, predicting that "most of the theatres in London will shut".

"It's going to be very tough," he said, revealing advance bookings were "about 10%" of their normal level. Three major musicals, he added, "are not going to play over the Olympics" - but he would not name them.

Lord Lloyd Webber's Really Useful Group owns seven London theatres which are currently hosting shows including War Horse, Matilda and The Wizard of Oz.

I'd be a bit more understanding if I didn't think he was saying this because he's worried the so called "bloodbath" (a term someone really shouldn't use when talking about an upcoming international event with its fair share of horrific tragedies and terrorist attacks over the years) is going to damage his bank balance rather than the jobs of hundreds of people work in London's theatres.

His fans (who have come out with classic comments in the past like "so what if he ripped off Beethoven, Beethoven is overrated anyway") point to previous Olympics actually damaging the finances of the host city, but what they conveniently forget is that other Olympics, like Beijing and LA, have made the areas around the host cities very rich indeed. I dunno maybe he's miserable because, from what I can tell in the picture, he's been locked in Hannibal Lecter's prison cell for a few weeks.

Source: BBC


A true Christmas turkey

Sorry about the lack of updates on here but I happened across a text based PC Wrestling booker (person who manages and develops storylines and talent) game on the internet yesterday called EW Revenge and...well...I think I love it as much as Chinese food, 20 mile walks and the smell of a new comic. So imagine my joy at not only finding a great new game but also reading this little Christmas bonus,

The X Factor winner's single is the least welcome present found under Christmas trees in Britain, according to new research.

A quarter of people polled for British Heart Foundation Shops said a record by the singing contest's latest pop idol is the last thing they would want to receive.

Other unpopular choices include saucy underwear, musical ties, a digital photo frame, a foot spa, and novelty pants and socks.

Ha ha! Suck on that one Cowell! This is actually a genuine surprise because, while X-Factor music is certainly an acquired taste (like bogeys, coal or anthrax) it really can't be bad as some of the shit people get at Christmas like knitted jumpers, executive toys and well no presents at all! I mean getting this thing is better than getting nothing whatsoever, at least you could use this CD as a coaster/frisbee/useful addition to your spirograph set. Also it could be very valuable in 10 years time when they've split up and two of them are dead from self bronzer overdoses.

Source: msn.co.uk


Cheap as chips

I've held off writing about this for a few days now because, well, I know bugger all about computers. I'm pretty proficient and savvy with software and processes but when it comes to problems and hardware and such I'm about as knowledgeable as a pig giving a quantum mechanics lecture (what does he mean the energy of a quasar is equal to or greater than oink?). I genuinely believe that computers are as complicated and expensive as they are to keep nerds in work and away from World of Warcraft for a few hours while at the same time fleecing us poor dumb saps of our hard earned money. Fortunately an even smarter nerd has come up with a solution to the problem,

The eagerly anticipated Raspberry Pi home computer is about to go into production. The $25 (£16) machine is being created in the hope that it will inspire a new generation of technology whizz kids.

The Pi uses an Arm chip similar to that found in mobile phones and is intended to run a version of the Linux open source operating system. The idea for Raspberry Pi came from video game veteran David Braben who was searching for a way to inspire young people to start a career in technology.

Mr Braben got his start in games thanks to the BBC Micro on which he, and school friend Ian Bell, created pioneering computer game Elite.

The finished device will be sold in two configurations. A Model A for $25 (£16) which lacks a network connector and a Model B for $35 (£22) which does have an Ethernet socket.

How come it's taken so long to get a cheap computer out? And look at that thing, it's tiny. Why am I paying £350 for a computer with a giant tower that looks like The Borrowers version of an Art Deco apartment block when I could be paying £22 for a computer that looks like something C3PO coughed up after a heavy night on the tiles. Although all those cables are a bit off-putting, the last time I saw that many wires going to a monitor was when I woke up in the hospital after gorging myself on Chinese food. The Doctor told me that all you can eat buffets would be the end of me but what does he know, with all his education he still didn't know that I'd also downed several litres of Vimto as well. What a dumbass he was huh!

Source: BBC


Holy warriors

You'd think that the Christmas spirit would be at its strongest in a church on Christmas eve right? Everyone's there to sing, worship and occasionally change the lyrics from art to fart (well I always was anyway). Plus you're surrounded by your family and friends and couldn't be more at ease in a building specifically designed to inspire awe and reverence, none of those things should lead you to feel the rise of a primeval urge to cave in the skull of the human next to you who you think is trying to steal your cave or something. Also, see if you can guess which person in this report became a bit of a drama queen really quickly,

A priest has described how he feared parishioners' lives were in danger when a fight broke out in his church during midnight mass on Christmas Eve.

Monsignor Vincent Harvey said heavy chairs were thrown down an aisle at St Edmund's Church, Southampton, during the brawl in the middle of the service on Saturday night.

The priest managed to continue the mass to his shocked but uninjured congregation after police arrived to arrest those involved, adding: "There was loud talking going on at the back but I just assumed some people had had a bit too much to drink.

Feared for their lives? Two drunk idiots start fighting and he's worried they'll go on a rampage and kill the hundreds of other people in the church! Imagine how this guy is going to react when the rapture comes. Also, how typical is it of two drunks to fight in a church, which, at Christmas time is essentially a silent building with 300 sober witnesses. Then again a Christmas drunk isn't always imbued with the best decision making skills; to them a church is the 3rd best place in the world to pick a fight behind the waiting room of a local police station and downtown Homs, Syria. I love the use of heavy folding chairs though, I'm sure eventually one guy got the upper hand, played to the parishioners before bringing out a wooden table and piledriving the other guy through it.

Source: pa.press.net


Best. Present. Ever.

Merry Christmas everyone! I won't be updating the site until the 26th (unless I get bored on Christmas Day) but I wanted to share with you an early Christmas present I got from my father. As you may know I am a little obsessed with comics and, in particular, have a soft spot in my heart for the excellent work of Alan Moore. Without listing his many accomplishments again let me just say that the main thing I admire about him is his ability to redefine characters and give them previously unseen depth. That's the main reason I've always wanted some sort of copy of his original Swamp Thing work, where, over the course of several issues, he turned a one note horror character into a thoughtful creature that contemplated his reason for being and that of the environment around him. True philosophy at work.

So imagine how excited I was to get an original copy of Swamp Thing #33, signed by Alan Moore himself, as my Christmas present! Awesome, just awesome! Oh my god...I've just realised that to have autographed this book Alan Moore will have had to have touched this with his hand, which means his DNA is on the bottom of that page...quickly, someone get me my chemistry set, I've got a beardy Brummy to clone.


The fastest dumbass ever

Just so you understand my point of view on cars here it is: they are vehicles designed to get us from A - B and on days off to C in a timely and convenient fashion. That's it. If you're one of these people who romanticises cars and the open road and stuff that's fine, you're free to do that and I won't judge you, but I just don't get it. I also don't understand people who spend tens or even hundreds of thousands of pounds on something that they know from the start will, 95% of the time, devalue at a frightening rate.

But, if you win one, that's a different story because if you sell it you get lots of money from a collector or dealer and if you keep it you've saved yourself the money you would have spent on a car in the first place. There's no way you can lose right? Well there is if you take the third option: act like an idiot.

A man who won a £242,000 Lamborghini in a competition crashed it six hours after it was delivered.

The Murcielago was in a Las Vegas body shop for repairs, days after David Dopp won it in a contest from a US convenience store chain..

Mr Dopp said he was taking friends and family on joy rides when he hit ice or gravel and started spinning. The car hit some fence posts and came to rest in a field.

Somehow he only did minor damage to a wheel, the door and some of the driver side body work which means his repair bill should only be, oh I don't know, £10,000. It gets worse though because a years worth of insurance on a Murcielago (the Spanish word for 'bat') is around £8000. This genius won a prize big enough to pay off any debts and buy a house and he smashes it into a field. It could have been worse though, if that field had been filled with cattle the farmer would have been within his legal rights to open fire on it with a shotgun, imagine trying to explain that one to the insurance company. The only way they'd renew your policy after that is if you claimed you were Batman.

Source: USA Today


Stinky Sharpie

Being the son of an NHS employee I've heard (and witnessed firsthand) many of the weirdest stories/incidents the field of British medical care has to offer. From babies named Shayne Payne, Dwayne Pipe and Annette Curtain to idiots putting toys, bottles and loo brushes up their bum bums people can do some pretty crazy stuff that usually leads to uncomfortable treatment of some sort. This might be the most painful story of the lot,

SURGEONS were amazed when they removed a pen from a pensioner's stomach after 25 years — and it still worked. The 76-year-old woman, who has not been identified, accidentally swallowed the black felt-tip in the 1980s.

She was using it to hold down her tongue while she looked at her tonsils in the mirror but slipped and fell and choked down the pen. Nobody believed her at the time because it didn't appear on hospital scans.

But 25 years later it was found when she went to a gastrointestinal specialist suffering from stomach pains, weight loss and diarrhoea.

It said that after she swallowed the pen, her husband and GP "dismissed her story" and abdominal x-rays were reported as normal. The report concludes: "This case highlights that occasionally it may be worth believing the patient's account however unlikely it may be."

Weight loss? I think Weight Watchers are missing a trick here! Forget the point plan you need to put fatties on the point of a pen plan. And can you really blame her husband and doctor for dismissing the story?! I mean who swallows a pen that size and lives to tell the tale? "I'm sorry about her doctor, she's always doing this. Only last week she was whinging about the lead paint in our house affecting her health, I mean it's the 1980's for God sake. If there was anything wrong with the lead paint in our walls or the asbestos in our roof don't you think they'd have found out about it by now?!" I think they've done her a favour by removing it with surgery, that way it can be reused without it smelling disgusting for the rest of its useful life. Although it was in the stomach of a 76 year old so it probably smells of Werther's Originals, Sherry and Sanatogen.

Source: thesun.co.uk


V*rgin media b*x

Mild language is the key to success in life. I mean who wants to hire Janet Street-Porter when the next person in line might have the verbal ability and smooth voice of Laurence Olivier?! Being able to control the flow of obscenities that spew forth from your cake hole may possibly lead to happiness at work, well balanced children and a content social life. Apparently Virgin agree with my boring (and false, I love swearing bitch) sentiment because they've taken censorship to a whole new level of super crazy,

Virgin Media's electronic programme guide's filter has gone into overdrive. Over recent days, subscribers to the firm's TV and radio services have been offered the highlights of the "Manchester City v A***nal" game and "Jarvis C**ker's Sunday Service".

Meanwhile, movie lovers could tune into The 39 Steps, a "Hitchc**k remake". In a statement, a Virgin Media spokeswoman said: "The altered titles have been swiftly an*lysed and we're fixing any remaining glitches." The firm blamed an "overzealous profanity checker" for the fault.

Subscribers have been posting screenshots of the mistakes on Twitter. Other examples include the Will Smith movie "Hanc**k", the panel show "Never Mind the Buzzc**ks" and the The Bleak Old Shop Of Stuff, a "Charles D***ens" spoof.

WHAT. THE. F*CK? How can a company that made its first load of money on the back of the Exorcist soundtrack have such a big problem with swearing? The excuse of an overzealous profanity checker is a bit confusing because they are writing these damn things themselves, so how can they need to check for profanity? Do the execs at Virgin treat their employees so badly that they are worried about them rebelling and writing something like: "Cash In The Attic, 11.30-12.00, BBC 1, A show in which a has been presenter persuades pensioners and losers to sift through their old shit to make a pathetic amount of money as the world around them spirals towards its inevitable apocalyptic downfall. Gorge yourselves. You're all fucking doomed." If so bring it on!

Source: BBC



So it's precisely 6 days till Santa comes down your chimney (harhar) and I think it's time for me to spread my Christmas spirit by destroying some of your precious childhood memories,

THE showbiz world was reeling last night after kids' favourites The Krankies revealed they used to be secret swingers.

Panto veterans Ian and Janette Tough, both 64, confessed they each had a string of lovers in their '70s and '80s heyday and shared an "anywhere, anytime" attitude to sex.

Janette, best known for dressing up as schoolboy Wee Jimmy Krankie, said she enjoyed nothing better than slipping out of her blazer and tie for some open-air hanky panky.

And Ian, who played Jimmy's dad, liked a few beers and a punch-up — once decking pint-sized performer Paul Daniels during a row.

Who punches Paul Daniels?! I don't care how pissed you are, if you hit that old Golem lookalike hard enough I guarantee he turns to dust and explodes when his tiny body hits the ground. This is beyond gross, the article goes on to say that these two admitted to having sex filled parties with "dancers, magicians' assistants — and even a circus leopard tamer" which is possibly the most horrific mental image I've had to deal with since I ran over that seagull during a driving lesson 13 years ago.

Hey, do you think the magicians assistant they're referring to is the lovely Debbie McGee? No wonder he had to punch Paul out, although the more entertaining option would have been to let Paul and Jimmy Krankie battle to the death, Star Trek style, over Debbie's contract while Ian staggered around randomly punching panto midgets.

Source: thesun.co.uk


Slobs rejoice

Being a handsome (and clearly modest) Brad Pitt lookalike I take pride in my appearance and love to show off my gorgeous features like a giant swaggering Welsh peacock whenever the opportunity presents itself. On the flip side of this I often indulge the part of me which is utterly bone idol because there is more to life than plucking your eyebrows, spray tanning your entire body and, God forbid, waxing your nether regions. Plus I'm a Celt, we're a naturally hairy lot anyway. So imagine how excited I was when I heard about this development,

Efforts to create self-cleaning cotton fabrics are bearing fruit in China.

Engineers have created a chemical coating that causes cotton materials to clean themselves of stains and remove odours when exposed to sunlight.

The researchers say the treatment is cheap, non-toxic and ecologically friendly. Retail experts say the innovation could prove a hit with retailers thanks to a growing demand for "functional clothing".

Functional clothing? You mean this could be more functional than sweat pants and a loose fitting top that hides my a persons belly?! Heaven! Now all I need to go along with these new pieces of apparel is a wig that washes itself and the occasional self dispensing vitamin D tablet (to help with the sunlight deprivation I'll be suffering from due to all that gaming/sleeping time) and I'll be set! It'll be like when Brian Wilson spent 3 years in bed, only I won't be doing it because my mind is slowly unravelling, I'll be doing it because laziness is the new black.

Source: BBC


Batman Vs China

China is a beautiful part of the world that is sadly littered with contradictions, for example: the Chinese people are really good at inventing stuff, making yummy food and celebrating their rich and fascinating history in the most elaborate ways imaginable. However they aren't good at other things like having a sense of humour, respecting copyright laws and allowing people basic freedoms. Take this for example,

The Dark Knight Rises star Christian Bale played real life Batman as he dodged heavy handed Chinese police in a car chase captured by CNN.

The British actor had attempted to meet with blind human rights activist Chen Guangcheng when Chinese guards began aggressively pushing him away. 

'Why can I not visit this free man?' Bale asked before a full-blown scuffle broke out. The Academy Award winner and his crew regrouped before their car was chased away by the henchmen. Bale was in the country for the premiere of his film The Flowers Of War, China's most expensive film ever made, which is also due to be entered into the Oscars, when he decided to travel eight hours to meet Mr. Chen.

'I'm not brave doing this,' Bale said as the car chase was in full flow. 'The local people who are standing up to the authorities, who are visiting Chen and his family and getting beaten or detained, I want to support them.' Mr. Bale's escapade excited China's answer to Twitter, Sina Weibo. One user posted: 'Our village authorities really are formidable. They can even stop Batman!'

No, your 'village authorities' didn't stop Batman, they stopped what appears to be a very tall Ethan Hawke lookalike. Besides what kind of village has authorities? I live in a village and the closest thing we have to authorities are the dogs that escape and run around barking at the locals.

The question here is was this arrest revenge for the time when Christian Bale put on the Batman outfit and kidnapped Lau from his skyscraper hideout in Hong Kong and left him for Commissioner Gordon to sort out? Oh no that wasn't real was it. Errmm, Maybe they just REALLY wanted his autograph or maybe he went on a 20 minute tirade when one of the authorities walked in front of his light or maybe he said something about Mao being chubby. That's it! It clearly wasn't because he wanted to visit some guy for a cup of tea was it, no no NO! Those crafty actors using China's history of human rights abuse to cover up the fact that they call Mao fat on a daily basis and expect to get away with it! The arrogance of these imperialistic dogs. It's time to fight back Comrades! Let's chase Batman! RRRRAAAAA!!

Source: metro.co.uk


Porky Pies?

So Sony are now claiming that the Spiderman reboot they are releasing next year is going to reveal the 'untold' story of Spiderman. Well from what I can tell it's...umm...slightly different from the 2002 version. If you watch the trailer below you see a little bit more about what happened to Peter Parker's parents and he seems a bit more emo but apart from that it looks, to all intents and purposes, like it's the exact same film.

Also it seems like the director, Mark Webb (oh the irony), has been playing a little bit too much Mirror's Edge on his Xbox. This fast moving first person view might work well in a trailer but after 2 hours it could end up inducing motion sickness in the audience, which I wouldn't imagine is conducive with making £700 million profit like it's predecessor did.

In fairness I guess 10 years is about long enough for a studio to leave between remakes reboots, although it's only been 5 years since Spiderman 3 and that film, well...Peter Parker dancing to James Brown and thrusting his hips at random women in the street?! Sam Raimi you suck ass.



These are not the Elmo's you are looking for

Lightsabres are the second coolest weapons in existence (behind Neuro Linguistic Programming). They slice through anything, glow various pretty colours and sound like a vibrator that's been left on in a chest of drawers. So why doesn't everyone carry one of these things round for everyday use? Oh yeah, that's right THEY AREN'T REAL!

Sure you can buy very expensive replicas but they don't slice peoples arms off so what's the point of carrying one around in public with you? Oh I don't know, maybe it comes in handy when you decide to flip out in a Toys R Us and batter random families!

A MAN who went on a lightsaber rampage was arrested after allegedly assaulting three people with a replica of the Jedi weapon. Cops were called after the 33-year-old swung the toy weapon at customers in a Toys R Us shop.

The man left the store with his lightsaber in hand and police caught up with him in the car park. They had to Taser the man as he kept brandishing the lightsaber at them in Portland, Oregon.

Police said the man faces "several criminal charges" after he undergoes a mental evaluation.

"If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can BBBZZZZ aaaahhhhhh!! oh god oh god oh god, I think I'm gonna throw up!" Awesome, does this guy really need to undergo a mental evaluation? Just wave your hand in front of his face and say, "you're going to tell me everything you know" and if he replies with "your powers are weak old man" you know he's 50p short of a quid. Incidentally do you think he would have played up to being tasered so that he could reenact the scene where Luke is being electrocuted by the Emperor in Return Of The Jedi? I like to think so.

Source: thesun.co.uk


Hitler? Papa?!

It's time to play spot the historical figures game! Obviously the first person you are going to recognise is Hitler, the evil maniac directly responsible for the Second World War, the death of around 100 million people and some of the worst paintings ever created. The more observant amongst you might have noticed the person on the far right (do you see what I did there?...hehe) is Hermann Goering, a colossal coward who's love of bravado and violence was only outweighed by his crippling morphine addiction.

Only a select few of you will notice that the man in the middle (with the very open and welcoming body language) is Louis Renault, the founder of Renault; one of the most iconic companies in the world and a French institution. Clearly the Nazi's are not something you want your company associated with because it could irreparably damage your image and send your share price tumbling...now imagine it's something your family has become associated with. Not very nice huh,

A historical can of worms was reopened in a Paris court on Wednesday when the grandchildren of the inventor and carmaker Louis Renaulttbegan a legal battle, claiming his famous company was unfairly confiscated by the state as punishment for allegedly collaborating with the occupiers.

Renault, who founded the auto giant in 1898 with his brothers, died in prison while awaiting trial for collaboration in 1944, two months after the liberation of France. In January 1945 Charles de Gaulle and the provisional government signed a decree confiscating the company and nationalising it, accusing Renault of working for the Germans and providing their army with vehicles and services to help the Nazi war effort.

Renault's seven grandchildren have now seized on a new law introduced by Nicolas Sarkozy to argue that the confiscation did not abide by the French constitution. Their lawyers argue that no other company was subjected to the same treatment as Renault and that it was unfairly nationalised as punishment without Louis Renault ever going to trial. They are demanding financial compensation from the state.

This has got the Communist Party, Communist trade unions, deportee groups and some historians frothing at the mouth because they say the family are trying to rewrite history and rehabilitate Renault's image. The family, on the other hand, are basically saying, "Fuck you. Give us our company back...we want free cars again" and so on, and they've used the argument that he was forced into collaboration (like Leni Riefenstahl). Which is cool but I think, if that's the case, he's taken the Oskar Schindler thing of deliberately making shitty equipment for the Nazi's a little too far; dashboards failing, engines dying, diesel models not starting, Renault's have been known to do all of those things. If you think about it this guy is kind of a hero for making terrible cars, God bless you Mr Renault you're the worlds greatest saboteur.

Source: guardian.co.uk


Dobbey is a free reindeer

Don't worry no-one has spiked your drink, that is a reindeer in the back of what looks like Elliot Ness' car being driven around by a guy who looks remarkably like The Tooth Fairy from Manhunter...this is going to be a big bucket or festive crazy,

CALM down deer — it's just a reindeer in the back of a taxi. Grandad Gordon Elliott takes his pet Dobbey in his car, on the bus and train — and even to his local pub.

The 68-year-old, who runs a farm and keeps 12 reindeer, hand-reared Dobbey from birth, bottle-feeding him because he could not feed from his mum and letting him sleep in a cardboard box in the kitchen.

And now locals are getting used to seeing him being led up his local high street in Enfield, North London. Gordon said: "We get lots of people staring. I guess a reindeer is a bit of a strange sight wandering around the town centre."

I've featured stuff similar to this before, like men who keep ducks as pets and take them to the pub with them (although hopefully not to the local Chinese takeaway because that would be cruel) but this is a bit different because as cute as reindeer are putting them in a car is a recipe for disaster. Never mind the potential for internal damage and distractions that could lead to an accident what happens if this thing gets nervous and leaves little reindeer plops all over the back seat? Dobbey won't be free for very long if he ruins that walnut interior.

Source: thesun.co.uk


Best nearly finished game of the year

Look at how pretty Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim is! Oh it's like I'm really in a Nordic paradise surrounded by a sprawling wilderness, magical creatures, dragons and...hang on...the bloody thing's freezing...wait now it's going all jumpy...is that dragoon flying backwards?

The fantasy role-playing game, Skyrim, has won the top prize at the prestigious Spike Video Game Awards.

The Game of the Year title was voted for by senior writers at 25 news organisations including Wired and IGN.

The decision has been criticised on some internet forums because of bugs which appeared to be particularly problematic in the PlayStation version.

Skyrim's developers said they were working on a solution and asked for "patience". The news has created a backlash on some gaming blogs with users complaining the title is "unfinished" and "broken".

Gamers have complained of dragons flying backwards, spells not working as they should and computer crashes. However, user-feedback suggested that the biggest problem was that the game slowed down to the point it became unplayable on the PlayStation 3 as players progressed through the title.

Let me just state for the record that I love this game; it is beautiful and very engrossing but it has it's problems just like any other game this size would. The other problem here is Bethesda have a history of releasing brilliant games filled with bugs and sections that are unfinished, like Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion which lagged the further you got in and Fallout 3 which crashed a lot. Fallout: New Vegas was the exception to the rule because it was not very good but came with the double whammy of being packed with even more flaws than usual like quests you couldn't finish and a plethora of bugs that made you wonder why you'd bought the thing in the first place.

It's not just Bethesda either, lots of games are released only to develop massive problems either late on or at the very beginning (two big examples I can think of Tropico 3 and Red Dead Redemption). So far this game is great and I hope it stays that way but can you think of any other example in any industry where a company can release either an unfinished product or a faulty product, make hundreds of millions of pounds from it's sale and not face any ramifications for that? Not only that but demand patience while they fix the obvious flaws?! Staggering.

Source: BBC


The cat with the green

Death doesn't have to be the end you know, donate your belongings and money in the right way and your memory could endure as something of a philanthropist. For starters there are lots of worthy charities you can leave your stuff to when you die like Oxfam, War Child and...erm...Playboy. Alternatively you could divide your money up into installments that are released in yearly portions for your family, friends and favourite causes to receive when you finally shuffle loose your mortal coil. Then there's the third option...

A CAT nipped to the top of the feline rich list after inheriting nearly £10MILLION. But the Italian moggy is still only the THIRD richest animal in the world.

Tommasino's wealthy owner Maria Assunta died and left him the entire family fortune.

She rescued him as a stray and could think of no one better to leave her portfolio of property to after she died last month aged 94 with no living relatives. It means the cat is the proud owner of homes and villas across Italy as well as stocks and swollen bank accounts.

God damn old people can be such dumbasses sometimes. Here I am sort of working kind of hard and occasionally coughing up a furball while staring at tiny birds from my windowsill all the while not getting any crazy old lady money. Random thought: how long do you think it'll be before Kim Kardashian tries to marry this thing to up her profile a little?

source: thesun.co.uk


Gotham's real Dark Knight

Time to put my serious hat on now. Jerry Robinson, the man who probably co-created The Joker with Bob Kane and Bill Finger and who definitely created Robin has died today aged 89. There has always been debate about who created the Joker character, but the fact that he was one of the two main artists (with Bob Kane) on the very first Batman stories sort of settles it for me; anyone who is there at an ideas inception usually has a hand in finalizing the end result. Therefore, in my book, this dude is a co-creator of the greatest villain in comic history. Oh and lets not forget Robin; a young acrobat who likes to wear a mask and tights and punch grown men in the face...that's pretty messed up when you think about it. I guess all the kids were doing that in 1939 right?




Wind power + fire = extreme environmentalism

Man, saving the planet is difficult. You have to do intricate things like putting rubbish into separate bins, turning the tap off when you're brushing your teeth and calling a hault to your baby seal killing spree. You see, all very complicated, fortunately nature takes care of a lot of the hassle by giving us lots of wind...teehee. Thanks to the discovery of wind in 2004 (or something like that) turbines have been popping up all over the place to provide us with a constant energy source, which actually sounds really boring until you add fire into the mix! Yay! Fire!

Renewable energy experts have dismissed an incident where a wind turbine caught fire in gale force winds as a "freak" occurrence.

The 328ft (100m) tall turbine, at Ardrossan Wind Farm, near the A78 in North Ayrshire, was destroyed after it exploded into flames which could be seen "far and wide".

Charles Anglin, of RenewableUK, the trade and professional body for the UK wind and marine renewables industries, stressed that wind turbines were regularly subjected to "some pretty tough conditions" without problems.

It might be a freak occurrence but type "wind turbine on fire" into any search engine you can think of and you'll see lots of different turbines burning like a giant shiny 21st century wicker man...wait is that what this is? Oh my god, there's a cult going around burning turbines filled with people who look a lot like Edward Woodward, quickly, someone warn Stephen Friars.

Source: msn.co.uk


Low Rider

See that person on the right? No it's not Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia, why would you even say that? What because her hair is terrifying? Yeah ok I'll give you that. That's Adele, the foul mouthed singer who's album 21 has sold more copies than any other by a British artist or band so far this century. Being in the position of having achieved such massive success you'd expect her to start making diva like demands right? Well now we get to find out! Yippee!

US beer is off the menu and free tickets are forbidden, according to British singer Adele's backstage rider, a US website has reported. The list of tour demands stipulates that guests with complimentary tickets must donate money to Sands, a UK charity that supports bereaved parents.

According to the three-page document, Adele requires tea, honey and bottled water before a show.

But venues must also provide wine and "best quality European lager" for her personal tour bus. To drive the point home, the document adds in bold italics, "North American beer is NOT acceptable".

Other requirements listed by Adele's tour manager include a dressing room with heating and air conditioning "to maintain an ambient temperature of 20C", a selection of fruit but "no citrus fruit" and six cereal bars in "individual wrappers".

The star also insists on having a pack of Marlboro Lights, a lighter, six metal teaspoons, and a range of chewing gum at every venue on her tour.

Ok the charity thing is great, good for her, but does anybody else start to see a possible reason for Adele's current throat problems? Honey, tea, bottled water, mild fruit and a constant room temperature, all good for the throat. Lager and fags, bad for the throat, and what's with the metal spoons? Is bending them a hobby of hers or something?

Still this is a pretty normal rider list compared to other people: Mariah Carey once asked for "20 white kittens and 100 white doves" when she opened a shopping mall in London, Beyonce used to require "Juicy Baked Chicken: Legs, Wings & Breast only." which had to be seasoned with "fresh garlic, season salt, black pepper, and Cayenne pepper HEAVILY SEASONED!!" and Barry Manilow requires a tethered goat that he may feast upon and sacrifice to Baal...although probably not because I made that last one up, sorry Barry, you rock!

source: BBC


Lego art

I wasn't a huge fan of Lego when I was younger, I was more of a stickle brick man, well, that and Transformers, GI Joe, He-man and wrestling toys. Lego never appealed to me because I couldn't be bothered building a pretty house when I could have He-man punching Hulk Hogan in the face while Soundwave provided colour commentary. It never occurred to me to make art out of it,

A LEGO expert proudly shows off his greatest creation yet — a life-like model of Professor Stephen Hawking.

Computer programmer Iain Heath made the figurine of the author of A Brief History of Time as part of a collection of celebrity Lego copies.

Most of his creations are 12in high and include Queen frontman Freddie Mercury and Hit Girl, a character from hero movie Kick Ass.

You have to admit that is an amazingly accurate Stephen Hawking, the other models this guy has done are pretty good but at 12inches tall they just aren't life-sized enough to meet my exacting standards. Is it too much to ask for a life-sized Stephen Hawking with fully functioning wheelchair and voice modulator that says things like, "the universe may never give up all of her many secrets"? I think not! Snap to it Iain.

Source: Thesun.co.uk


I like that book where that...umm...person is looking for that thing

The handsome greasy haired fellow on the right is Pena Nieto, a man who could be Mexico's next president/prime minister/el hombre grande or whatever they have over there. Being a politician he's adept at spinning a yarn that is noncommittal enough to give him some wiggle room later on should he be pressed on policies...well except when he's talking about reading material that is,

Mexico's leading presidential contender Enrique Pena Nieto gave new ammunition to his critics this weekend. Asked to name three books that had had an impact on him, he floundered before saying that, as an adolescent, he had been influenced by the Bible.

Political opponents have often accused Mr Pena Nieto - a handsome and telegenic politician married to a television actress - of being "hollow".

At a book fair in Guadalajara, Mr Pena Nieto, 45, was asked by a member of the audience about his reading record. For minutes he hesitated, before mentioning that he had read "parts of" the Bible.

He then rambled on, confusing titles, forgetting the names of authors and sometimes mismatching them.

Really?! He couldn't have just said "How to make friends and influence people" smiled and then carried on with his visit? Or just said "umm...the first three Harry Potter books." It's not hard is it! He's either never read anything other than sections of the bible before or he's so poor at thinking on his feet that he can't think of any book ever published to just blurt out. Can you imagine David Cameron being in this position? He'd at least be able to say the Eton Rule Book, The Book of Freemasonary and the Hungry Caterpillar.

Source: BBC


Them bones

I love theme parks and similar attractions because they present you with a fully immersive experience, like a haunted house where you can usually smell burning embers, hear creaking floor boards and screams and see scary architecture, moody lightening and genuine dead bodies...wait, what?

A skeleton which has been on display at London Dungeon since 1975 has been found to be real and subsequently named after model Kate Moss.

The collection of bones, which include a rib-cage and backbone, will now have to be licensed by the Tissues Authority, costing the attraction £2,000 each year.

It is believed that the skeleton could date back to the early days of anatomical research, while another exhibit which is hanging in a gibbet cage at the Dungeons is now also suspected to be real.

The Telegraph reported that checks were only carried out on the bones of Kate when managers were told that real ones require a licence.
Bill Edwards, an expert from Guy's Hospital's Medical Museum in London, told the source that the other skeleton, known as Twiggy, will also be tested.

Wow this is all a little too disturbing, maybe the owners took the whole scary experience too far; people go into places like this for a bit of escapism not to take a tour of Charles Manson's basement. In their defence this has been going on for years, It's a Small World is widely acknowledge to be an 8 minute trip into the mind of a delusional mental patient, I came out of that ride crying and asking random passers by for help getting the magic pixies off my back...I was 23 years old at the time. I hope it ends with these two attractions though, because the next time I go on Pirates of the Caribbean I don't want to get shot at and chased by a bunch of smelly scurvy sufferers, I get enough of that in North Wales already.

Source: metro.co.uk


It's the long awaited return of...

Inconsiderate Travellers! I would have done this yesterday had my family not selfishly decided to invite me to a wonderful evening of reminiscence and love, pfft, some people aye! Anyway this is a picture I took on the return leg of my recent short break, specifically the last part, Chester - North Wales, which is always the busiest segment of the journey because Arriva in their infinite wisdom decided that two carriages is more than enough space for 200 million people to cram into.

As you can tell from the picture on the right this lady somehow managed to reserve a seat on this cattle train, but instead of sitting in the seat and putting her luggage overhead or under her seat she decided that the comfort of her purchases was more important to her than the wellbeing of another human. It's ok to do this on an empty train but this thing was rammed full of people, it was like Hong Kong or something. I hope that just one of the people reading this is a conductor and decides to make a stand by charging these people for the extra seat they are taking up because it just isn't fair damnit!

Thanks must go to Henry Kissinger for once again providing a selfish person with anonymity, and also for drafting the Paris Peace Accords which ended America's nightmarish involvement in Vietnam, thanks Henry.


What a clever man

Above are three clues to a strange and confusing puzzle which might very well be the most intriguing mystery the world has ever known. The first clue is Action Comics number 1 featuring the first ever appearance of Superman which just sold at auction for £1.4 million, the second is has been actor Nicolas Cage who alledgedly owes something like $15 million to the taxman, banks, financial companies and his ex-girlfriend, the third and final clue is an example of Cage's ridiculous 20 year long spending spree; his tomb in New Orleans, yes I know he isn't dead yet but it pays to plan ahead right? See if you can put the pieces of this conundrum together as well as The Sun did in a rare piece of good investigatory journalism on their part,

THE first comic book to ever feature Superman has been sold for a record £1.4MILLION — reportedly by cash-strapped Hollywood star Nicolas Cage. The Action Comics No.1 introduced the iconic superhero to the world in 1938 and cost just ten cents at the time.

Con Air star Cage famously bought a copy of the collector's item — of which there are only around 100 in existence for £96,000 in 1997 — when he was set to appear in a Superman film directed by Tim Burton. It is said the comic that was sold was stolen in 2000 and recovered in a California storage shed in April this year — just like an issue owned by Cage.

The actor — who used to command millions for his films — is believed to have had to flog the comic after getting into financial trouble. Two years ago Cage sued his former business manager, Samuel Levine, for allegedly squandering his fortune on bad investments.

This guy must have been one smooth talking business manager to convince Cage that buying a tomb was a good investment, "yes sir I know it's an odd purchase, but what you lose in monetary investment you make up for in marble and gaudy showmanship." Still, he bought this comic 15 years ago for £100,000 and just sold it for £1.4 million, that's a damn good return. Maybe now he can take some of that money and invest it in a few business studies classes because if he carries on owing the taxman this much he might find himself in a Wesley Snipes situation, although I would imagine a guy who is a master of 8 different forms of martial arts is always going to be better off in prison than a guy who is obsessed with Elvis, loves Superman and who may or may not be wearing a wig.

Source: thesun.co.uk




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