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Jabba No Wonga?!

Don't worry, there's no need to check your drink for LSD, that is indeed a slightly mournful looking Jabba The Hut imitation wearing Dame Edna glasses being slowly tortured by 3 less than attractive Vegas Showgirls. All of this crazy crap can only mean one thing, it's Turner Prize time again!

A woman who once based a work around Star Wars character Jabba the Hutt is one of the four artists shortlisted for this year's £25,000 Turner Prize.

Performance artist Lali "Spartacus" Chetwynd joins Luke Fowler, Paul Noble and Elizabeth Price on the shortlist.

The prestigious prize is awarded to a British artist, under the age of 50, considered to have put on the best exhibition of the last 12 months.

Luke Fowler creates cinematic collages that have often been linked to the British Free Cinema movement of the 1950s. Fowler is shortlisted for his solo exhibition at Inverleith House in Edinburgh, which showcased his new film exploring the life and work of Scottish psychiatrist RD Laing.

Paul Noble is a painter, draughtsman and installation artist who explores society through drawings of a fictional town called Nobson Newtown. Noble is shortlisted for his solo exhibition at Gagosian Gallery in London, which brought together his darkly satirical and painstakingly detailed drawings.

Elizabeth Price creates video installations that incorporate moving images, text and music. "she draws upon historical film, photographic archives and collections of artefacts to generate fantasy episodes". It is for her current exhibition Here, which comprises a trilogy of video installations, that she has been shortlisted.

Wow, sounds like loads of fun! So you've got a woman who makes scary costumes and sets, a guy who makes films about psychiatrists (yawn), a man who spends months drawing really detailed doodles and a woman who...well...I'm not entirely sure what she's nominated for but it sounds really bloody boring. A lot of people find art boring no matter how crazy it is, and I was one of those people until, as a teenager, I was lucky enough to see Michelangelo's David in Florence. It blew my mind. It was huge, amazingly physically accurate and open to anyone who wanted to see it. It was, in short, perfect.

Ever since then I've spent a good portion of my adult life in Museums and Art Galleries experiencing the best and often the worst of what the art world has to offer/spew out and almost all of the previous Turner nominees have done nothing that has made me sit up and say, "Yes! I have to have that on my wall right now!" A lot of the time it's made me think, "Yeah, I really need to find the nearest bin, poo in it and call myself an artist" because, lets be honest, you just know that my poo bin would get nominated. Then I'd be laughing all the way to the bank!

Source: BBC

 

Sightseeing trip

This is just a quick message to let anyone who actually reads my one post a day that I won't be posting on Monday due to my regular months end trip down south. It might mean that I get more Inconsiderate Traveller material but it could also mean that I get mugged, robbed and, worst case scenario, eaten slowly by feral cannibals.

It could happen, this is London after all. You know what else? They don't even speak Welsh down there! What kind of savages are they? It's a good thing I can make myself feel comfortable by wearing my tartan trousers, bear headdress and bright blue war paint. I fit right in on the underground.

See you Tuesday evening if I don't forget my laptop again!

 

 

 

 

Even Jeremy Paxman would struggle to interview this guy

I've praised a lot of people on this site who I feel deserve it for one reason or another. Whether it's beardy comic genius Alan Moore for his amazing body of work, Ridley Scott for his uncanny ability to hype a film in ways nobody else would have ever dreamed of trying or Jennifer Lawrence for being...umm...well...fit, I give credit where it's due.

That isn't about to change either, because the comedian who strikes terror into the hearts of TV producers the world over, Sacha Baron Cohen, is back doing a press tour for his new film The Dictator and he got off to a flyer in Australia by comparing their female Prime Minister to a dog on roller skates and suggesting that she be replaced by P.R. expert Mel Gibson.

He can get away with it in Australia because his wife is an uber talented and smoking hot Ozzie Babe, but the question is will he be stirring things up in the rest of the world when he doesn't have so much leeway? You bet your ass he will, this guy is fearless.

 

 

Now this is more like it

I know I've gone on about films a lot recently but, as you may have already guessed, I have a slight obsession with the wonderful and complex world of cellulite celluloid.

More so than my other obsessions (wrestling, comics and being a smart arse) films have been in my life from the start. Some of my earliest memories are images from Ealing films and 80's classics like Clue, Labyrinth and Aliens, all of which I saw when I was very young (I saw Aliens on TV a good 10 years before I turned 18).

Nowadays I'm an incredibly handsome man in his early 30's who is still deeply obsessed with entertaining and escapist material. As much as I like art house/independent films (particularly Mathieu Kassovitz' early stuff) they never seem to leave the same lasting impression on me that the big budget stuff does.

Comic book films rate even higher on the scale because I'm firmly routed in comic book geekdom and have been ever since the good old days of constant ridicule and bullying at school. Ah, those were the days aye?!

Given all of that Hovis advert fodder I've just written about you shouldn't be too surprised to learn that I love the new Avengers film. Honestly, it's a really fun movie going experience, but don't take my word for it, take a look at this review from the usually reserved/slightly grumpy Guardian who seemed to have geeked the fuck out when they saw it to. Oh and by the way, from this point on, just assume *SPOILERS* aplenty,

...this is an anti-fracking parable, obviously, or possibly pro-fracking, but in any case a mightily enjoyable adventure, due to the sparkling script from director and co-writer Joss Whedon and in no small part to a tremendous performance from Tom Hiddleston as Loki, the loathsome Norse deity, embarrassing his wholesome sibling Thor with Earth-domination plans and general uncalled-for evilness, at one stage actually making a whole crowd of people kneel to him – in Germany. That is an aspirational move for any bad guy.

It sure is! And the reviewer is absolutely right; Tom Hiddleston is a brilliant villain which makes it all the more fun when he gets his arse handed to him by his brother, but the real winner of this film is the Bruce Banner/The Hulk character.

After the disaster that was Ang Lee's Hulk and the slight disappointment that was Ed 'I should get a directors credit asshole' Norton as The Incredible Hulk this is akin to cinema's greatest phoenix from the flames job. Mark Ruffalo is excellent as Banner and, more to the point, The Hulk gets all the best comedy moments. Never mind the moment he cheap shots Thor in Grand Central Station, the sight of him letting Loki go on a 2 minute long villain monologue before smashing six shades of shit out of him is priceless. Hiddelston even sells it with a barely audible whimper as The Hulk walks off mumbling "puny God". Classic.

Source: guardian.co.uk

 

This film is going to suck

As much as the first MIB film was an interesting concept and director Barry Sonnenfeld will always have a place in my heart for making Big Trouble I don't think anybody was really desperate to see a third Men In Black film.

That general lack of interest doesn't seem to be a problem for Hollywood though, because film studios are so terrified of taking a chance on anything original that they will reuse even the most tired idea if it has made money in the past.

So Sony commissioned MIB 3 most likely because the first 2 made tons of money and were relatively straightforward to produce. You'd have thought the third installment of an established series would be an even easier thing to pull off without any hassle but, in this case, you'd be wrong.

Whether it's Will Smith behaving like a massive prick on set or the film going into production while they were still writing it this thing has been beset with problems since before day 1. So this next bit of news should come as no surprise to anyone who's used to big budget films trying to distract the audience from their shortcomings by hiring celebrities,

Men in Black 3 director Barry Sonnenfeld has confirmed that Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga will be starring as aliens in the forthcoming sci-fi sequel. The pop stars will be joining director Tim Burton as members of an alien surveillance board in the film. 

He told Collider: 'In this [film] there are a few people that you'll see up on the surveillance board including Lady GaGa, Tim Burton, who probably knows more about aliens than I do, and let's see who else... Justin Bieber.' 

In the first two Men In Black films, the alien surveillance board featured cameos by Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Sylvester Stallone. Sonnenfeld added: 'The challenge is getting celebrities that are famous, will give you permission and won't be like 'Who's that guy?' in 10 years.'

That's good reasoning, everyone will remember who Justin Bieber is in 10 years time when they watch this film back again: he is the guy who never truly transitioned beyond being a child star and who eventually hit rock bottom when he was arrested by police for attacking his own offices with a baseball bat while high on cocaine, naked and covered in Vaseline. Actually scrub that last one, that was how former wrestling promoter Herb Abrams died.

Source: The AP

 

Paddington Bear interrupted the news

I might be biased because I'm not a fan of having my nuts clawed at by a pet that believes that to be normal behaviour (cats) but dogs just seem to make everything in life better.

All the poo/wee/sick you have to clean up is worth it for the companionship, joy and above all else, humour they bring to your life. Don't believe me? Watch what happens to your colleagues when you bring your dog to work: the entire building grinds to a halt so that everyone from the boss to the cleaner can have a go at fussing your furry companion until the poor little thing has a skin condition from all the patting and stroking.

While it's fun to do that for a while, it probably isn't the best plan in the world to take your dog on to the set of a live news broadcast, especially when someone else is in the middle of doing a heart warming piece about a young girl surviving a double lung transplant.

That's the moment you go from the everyone's new best friend to the dumbass who jeopardised his career by bringing a barely tame animal into a studio full of wires and and incredibly expensive equipment. Imagine if this thing pissed on a loose cable and the guy behind camera 3 got electrocuted, then you've got a lawsuit on your paws pooch. What will all your cuteness do for you when you've got a judge looming over you in a court room huh?! NOTHING!!

 

Tony Blackburn wouldn't have done this

Listening to commercial radio in the UK is one of the most depressing experiences you can ever put yourself through.

Not only do you have to listen to a crappy playlist that has been chosen by a corporate committee (using flawed market research about women who smoke in the bath while listening to Kenny G) but you also get the added 'bonus' of listening to a human being who has worked all their lives in a cut throat industry for the merest whiff of an opportunity to get in front of a large audience, only to be lumbered with a miniscule 6 minutes of talk time per hour.

There aren't many ways to liven it up either; corporations have hired useless celebrity presenters, thrown millions of pounds at listeners in the form of easy to win competitions and even consolidated their local stations by broadcasting from one location for hours at a time and it still hasn't made that much of a difference.

The sad fact is it's going to take years for these companies to rebuild because none of the quick fixes have worked and none ever will...although this might do the trick,

A radio station breached the broadcasting code when it accidentally played "pornographic content" during a show, according to communications watchdog Ofcom.

Listeners tuning in to the Funky Sensation show with Mike Vitti on Jazz FM heard swearing and "clearly audible sounds of sexual activity" for around five minutes.

Ofcom's report said a member of station staff "opened a personal email on the studio computer and accessed a weblink containing pornographic content; but by mistake left the sound fader linked to this computer open on the broadcast console. This resulted in the broadcast of the audio of the pornographic content."

This is great! If I somehow suffered a massive lapse in judgement and chose to tune in to a show called 'Funky Sensation' I would expect to hear a little moaning, although not from the radio, it would probably be coming from the person next to me voicing their displeasure at having to listen to Jazz FM. At least this way you get 5 whole minutes of professional moaning from a porn star because the presenter forgot to turn the volume down on his computer.

You just know that this guy's PC is constantly playing porn just to stave off boredom, they might as well just come out and admit it instead of making up some long winded excuse, hell, it might even draw in some new listeners! You don't even need to spend loads of money doing market research because it's a demographic that's easy to identify: the people who would want to hear porn blended with music are the types of people who stay awake till 2am because they think that the artsy French film they're half watching might have a sex scene in it.

Source: pa.press.net

 

One Direction like it fluffy

Well, I can't believe it's come to this, but I'm about to take shots at the second easiest target in the world; One Direction. I say second easiest because Justin Bieber is such a soft target that he might as well be a near sighted deer who just loves the smell of the bin behind the local hunters lodge.

I've resisted until now because One Direction are so high profile that they get enough fawning praise/bile filled hatred already without me adding to the mix. But when this story broke I just had to chip in, if only to try and halt the decline in this country's education standards,

Harry Styles and Liam Payne of One Direction may have caught chlamydia from a koala bear... but not in the (incredibly wrong) way you might be thinking.

Up to 80% of the koalas in Australia are infected with the STI, and both of the One Direction stars were urinated on by one particular creature.

Liam Payne told The Sun: "I'm genuinely scared. This is worrying. I'd have never picked the thing up if I'd known." The boys have recently scored a No. 1 album in the country, to sit alongside their Billboard-topping achievement in the US. Up All Night stalled at No. 2 in the UK last November, beaten by Rihanna's Talk That Talk.

That might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard...either that or it's the worst cover story I've ever heard. The only way these two dipshits could have caught chlamydia from the koala is if they were taking turns in having sex with it or if they killed the poor blighter and ate it raw. Anyone with a basic understanding of biology could tell you that but in case there's any doubt here's what The NHS' own guide has to say,

You can catch chlamydia through unprotected vaginal, anal or oral sex. It can also be passed on if you share sex toys and don’t wash them or cover them with a condom each time they’re used.  

It’s not clear whether chlamydia can be spread if infected semen or vaginal fluid on your fingers is transferred to another person’s genitals, or by rubbing female genitals together. You can’t catch chlamydia from kissing or sharing facilities, such as toilets or towels, with someone who has the infection. 

I don't know why they are bothering with the cover up, we all know that these two have caught chlamydia from all the Directioner tail they've been chasing relentlessly since Cowell green-lit their push to the moon. It wouldn't be the first time this has happened: Tiger Woods' favourite past time away from golf was poon houndary, Mark Owen admitted to sleeping with more groupies than any other famous short arse in history and Charlie Sheen had a love for hookers/porn stars that was so intense and all consuming that it bordered on the blasphemous. And who can blame these guys?! You give just about any male fame, power and money and they are bound to do this sort of thing eventually.

Besides, these girls have only been focussed on One Direction so much because there has been a break between Twilight films. It's a good thing they did to, because I'm pretty certain that on premier weekend for Twilight: Eclipse so many girls were in the cinema at once that their combined mass created a gravitational well which pulled the moon closer to the earth for 48 hours.

Source: entertainmentwise.com / nhs.co.uk

 

'Jessie J is gay' claims shit stirrer source

Corrr! Look at Jessie J! She's all naked and shiny and she's giving you the look! What do you mean what look?! THE look! She wants to be all up in your junk and stuff! Yeah! Go for it dude, buy her a drink and hit her with that "Let's make like a fabric softener and snuggle" line of yours. Seriously if you don't I will, stop being a wuss...Oh wait she's copping off with that girl, never mind, even if she is bisexual you don't stand a chance against a girl, they have home court advantage.

Simon Cowell isn't the only celeb being caught up in revelations by an unauthorised biography at the moment. Now Jessie J is at the centre of claims she is 100% gay after being forced to hide her true sexuality, reports The Sun.

The book - entitled Jessie J: Who's Laughing Now - writes that Jessie was told by record bosses she would lose appeal to male fans if she came out as a lesbian so she was told to say she was bisexual to appear more 'trendy'.

"Jessie might have been with boys in the past - but she is 100 per cent gay. Jessie was openly lesbian and didn’t hide it," the book says. "She was advised not to come out, though. Certain people thought being bi was trendy, exotic and a fashion statement. It would increase her allure."

The star has openly admitted to being bisexual in the past, and most recently told US Glamour magazine she didn't want to be defined by her sexuality. "The frustrating thing is that if I was with a guy right now, I’d be [considered] straight," she said. "But If I was with a girl, I’d be 'gay'".

However, the new unauthorised book adds that the pop star went along with the plan but was "incensed" at the compromise.

Ok, couple of things, firstly: isn't it convenient that this story has come out when Jessie is appearing in one of the highest rated TV shows of the year so far! It's not like this is being orchestrated to get more attention for her and her show is it? No no no, that would be a cynical move right out of the Simon Cowell playbook.

It could be that the person who knew all this was waiting for her profile to hit a peak to ensure as many book sales as possible, but there have been plenty of better opportunities recently. The run up to The Brit's would have been a great time to publish the book because there was every chance she might have referenced it in an acceptance speech. All that begs the question, was this written by an author or a publicist? I guess we'll only find out when the author is nominated for a Pulitzer for this ground-breaking literary masterpiece.

Secondly: who cares if she's a lesbonan? She could be a homeless albino midget with a penchant for tap dancing with nothing on but a Mickey Mouse hat and I still wouldn't bat an eyelid because, and I cannot stress this point enough, IT'S NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS. Does it change anything? It doesn't stop her from making music and, lets be honest here, how many guys are buying her music because they think they have shot at nailing her? I doubt it's enough to make a sizeable dent in her popularity.

She says it's all rubbish anyway so it doesn't matter what some ghost writer says; she still likes guys which means she'll be knocking on my door any time now. I'm sure that restraining order her lawyer sent me in the post was just the world's most form love letter. Come on Jessica, you know you want a piece, just come out and say it!

Source: The Daily Mail

 

Does Michael Fassbender dream of electric sheep?

This summer is shaping up to be a really exciting one for cinema goers. Sure you've got the usual plethora of brain dead blockbusters coming out (G.I. Joe 2, Men In Black III, Piranha 3DD and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) but this year we get the added bonus of some cracking films like The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises and the one that's got me salivating like a fat man in an unmanned chip shop, Prometheus.

While all the films I've just mentioned have done a very good job of getting themselves noticed, none have been quite so subtle and intricate in their methods as Prometheus has. Never mind the months of teasing the population with fleeting glimpses of promising footage, this film has played on the hopes and expectations of the fans so well that it's like Ridley Scott has powers of clairvoyance.

There is a line of thinking that exists today that the greatest art form of the last 100 years is marketing or, more specifically, taking the basic elements of the various classical art mediums that have existed since the dawn of civilisation and using them to influence the way people think, act and behave.

The reason for all that bother? Well once you have influenced people that much you can sell them shit they don't need based on their new belief that they actually do need it, that's why. And you know what? I need to see this film. I'm not surprised that there are lots of people who are buying into this film in such a personal way; Ridley Scott cut his teeth in the intense world of 1970's British TV advertising and is considered one of the great artistic directors in mainstream film, making him the perfect marriage of the marketing/art theory.

So, while you sit there trying to sift through all the bullshit I've just written let me whet your appetite further (and hammer home my rambling arguement) with a newly released psuedo advert for the new David 8 android character played by Michael Fassbender.

I know this has all been a little heavy going so let me lighten the mood a bit with an interesting question: do you think they cast Michael Fassbender because Ridley wanted his android character to be morally ambiguous, striking and hung like a Grand National winner? I like to think so. Insert ironic Michael Fassbender starring in a tent-pole movie joke here.

 

 

Worship this way up

I get the impression that New Zealand is a beautiful and interesting country, largely based on all the films and TV shows that have been made there. White sandy beaches, massive snowy mountains, marauding packs of Orcs, New Zealand has everything a tourist could want to visit on a 3 week backpacking/ring of power destroying trip.

Of course none of this matters to me because there is no fucking way I am spending £3000 to sit on a plane for 173 hours or however long it takes to get there. I'd sooner sit through 173 hours of snooker than travel for that long.

New Zealand might be beautiful but it's certainly been through the ringer in terms of disasters recently, so who can blame them for taking one or two short cuts when it comes to rebuilding their infrastructure. Houses made out of tooth picks, shops made out of live ducks and churches made out of cardboard, it's all good baby!

The earthquake-devastated cathedral in New Zealand's Christchurch is to be replaced by one made of cardboard.

Anglican leaders believe it will deliver both a temporary solution and a statement about the city's recovery.

The 82-foot high building will be constructed with 104 tubes of cardboard. The structure will be a temporary replacement for the stone one which was ruined last year in an earthquake that killed 185 people and destroyed much of the city centre.

I'm guessing that 99.9% of you have already spotted the problem with spending $5 million on a building made of cardboard. New Zealand is lush and verdant for a reason: it rains there. Lots. Lots and lots and lots. Christchurch might be a dryer part of the country but it definitely gets rain and frost at various points during the year. That could lead to a terrifying scenario where people are worshipping inside their UPS labelled cathedral when it suddenly comes crashing down on top of them. It would take many minutes for rescuers to get them out of the slightly soggy wreckage and maybe a further 30 minutes to dry them out. What horror.

Before Christchurch goes ahead with this I think they should examine the educational video that Matt Groening made about the dangers of building giant structures out of cardboard and the effect it has on delivery companies and dragons...oh no wait, that was a Simpsons episode wasn't it!? Oops.

Source: msn.co.uk

 

 

Absolute desperation

Really how is this news? Isn't there something else going on in the world that could've been deemed more worthy of wide press coverage than this? No?! Ok, here's Adele chowing down on a massive meal at a Little Chef,

Adele has been spotted tucking into an Early Starter Breakfast at the Little Chef in Wales as she travelled to the Laugharne Weekend, an arts festival in Carmarthenshire. 

Staff were surprised to see Adele and her boyfriend Sim Konecki, who picked up the bill, calling in for breakfast - and the singer even helped herself to a free lollipop afterwards. 

Louise Reynolds, manager of the St Clears Little Chef in Camarthen, said: "We were busy and I didn't know it was her at first - I had to do a double take. 

"I was gutted I didn't ask for a picture. They stayed for about half an hour and were very relaxed."

Relaxed? At a little Chef?! They clearly don't know what they were eating. It must have been the only choice available to them at the time because I'm sure Adele would normally shun such rubbish food in favour of high class eateries like Gourmet Burger Kitchen, Subway and the very embodiment of haute cuisine Nando's.

It's nice that she attended a Welsh Festival and more people should be encouraged to do that, but eating at Little Chef is something I would only ever consider if my car had broken down in front of one in the middle of nowhere...during a zombie apocalypse. Oh, and one last thing AOL: it's Spelt Carmarthen not Camarthen you morons.

Source: travel.aol.co.uk

 

Yesterday's future is today!

Man I'd love to have super powers. I've wanted to have a special ability ever since I was a child and realised that, having not been born a duck, flight was never going to happen for me.

I'm sure everyone wants super powers, even OAP's would love the ability to control the weather like storm from the X-men so that when they go out for the day their hips don't hurt quite so much.

The only problem is it's impossible to get these abilities by getting bitten by a radioactive spider/being bombarded with gamma radiation/being injected with an experimental super-serum because all of these things generally lead to, well, death. If any of those actually did work the first ever superhero would have been Marie Curie.

So, until the Guardians of Oa arrive and tell me I'm Senior VP of The Green Lantern Corps. I'm just going to have to be patient and wait for these things to become available on the open market,

The Pentagon has put in an order for prototype contact lenses that give users a much wider field of vision. The lenses are designed to be paired with compact heads up display (HUD) units - glasses that allow images to be projected onto their lenses. Much bulkier HUDs are already deployed by the US Army and Air Force to superimpose data about targets and other status updates over users' views.

The tech could help troops enhance their awareness on the battlefield. The lenses work by allowing the wearer to focus on two things at once - both the information projected onto the glasses' lenses and the more distant view that can be seen through them.

They do this by having two different filters. The central part of each lens sends light from the HUD towards the middle of the pupil, while the outer part sends light from the surrounding environment to the pupil's rim. The retina receives each image in focus, at the same time. By building two filters into each lens, close-up and distant light sources are both in focus.

"Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better...stronger...faster...actually all he'll have is much better vision and some pretty good weapons but hey, he'll still look good in a tracksuit aye!" That's the problem with this really: while it is a massive improvement for soldiers in the field you have to question how many of them are going to get these swanky things as they'll probably cost a small fortune.

None of that is important though, what is important is the question of when The Pentagon is going to release these things on the open market, because the second they do I'm getting a pair and putting another giant TV next to my current one and watching football while playing Skyrim at the same time with my screen in screen contacts. Pretty clever huh! Huh?...Anyone?

Source: BBC

 

From strength to strength

If you ever want to see the very embodiment of someone who is on thin ice in terms of their career just go to Mel Gibson's house and wait for him to come and get his mail from the front gate. It might not be such a good idea to do that if you're Jewish though, especially if you believe this guy,

The Maccabees film cancelled as screenwriter accuses director Mel Gibson of anti-Semitism in nine-page letter.

The Hollywood screenwriter Joe Eszterhas has accused Mel Gibson of sabotaging a planned film about a famous 2nd century BC Jewish revolt for antisemitic reasons in an explosive letter to the disgraced actor/director.

Studio Warner Bros yesterday announced the cancellation of The Maccabees, which Gibson had been attached to direct, suggesting that Eszterhas's script lacked "a sense of triumph".

In response, Eszterhas wrote a nine-page letter to Gibson in which he accused his former collaborator of using the project "to deflect continuing charges of anti-Semitism which have dogged you, charges which have crippled your career".

He also cited occasions upon which Gibson had threatened to kill his ex-girlfriend and the mother of his child, Oksana Gregorieva, and accused the film-maker and actor of using offensive terms such as "hebes", "oven-dodgers" and "Jewboys" to describe Jews during their time working together.

"I've come to the conclusion that the reason you won't make The Maccabees is the ugliest possible one. You hate Jews," wrote Eszterhas, who is best known for his screenplay for the 1992 Paul Verhoeven thriller Basic Instinct. "You continually called Jews 'Hebes' and 'oven-dodgers' and 'Jewboys.' It seemed that most times when we discussed someone, you asked 'He's a Hebe, isn't he?' You said most 'gatekeepers' of American companies were 'Hebes' who 'controlled their bosses.'"

9 pages?! Who in their right mind composes a 9 page hate letter after they've been sacked? I don't think Satan would have written a 9 page hate letter to God if he'd been given the time, he'd have run out of things to criticise. Everyone knows that Mel Gibson is more than a little bit cracked and has a well documented disdain for Jewish people but before you jump on the fuck Mel Gibson band wagon bare in mind that the guy who is saying all this about him has, according to imdb anyway, only worked twice in the last 15 years.

Someone who has enough time to write a 9 page hate letter must be in that situation because no one wants to work with them thanks to all the hate letters they write, the less work they get the longer the hate letters get. It's like this guy is riding a worsening double helix of hatred that will meet it's inevitable messy end when he writes himself a 250 page hate letter about farting in bed.

Source: guardian.co.uk

 

Endangered species are scary!

A few years ago I saw The Flaming Lips live in concert in an Academy Venue on Halloween. As part of the general theme of manic hedonism that goes with their gigs they picked out 3 fans from the crowd to appear on stage with them and dance around in animal suits. One was a dolphin, one was a tiger and the last one was put in a panda costume.

About an hour into the show lead singer Wayne Coyne strapped a giant strobe light to his chest to perform a song about something strange and mystical no doubt. I can't really recall what the song was about because everyone in the venue was covering their eyes to avoid getting a splitting headache from the 2001 monolith style light show that seemed to be set to its maximum retina destruction level.

After the crescendo of noise and insane lighting had ended everyone turned around to see that the person in the panda outfit had collapsed on stage and was having the worlds fluffiest seizure. Cue lots of panicky hand waving, high pitched swearing and medical teams rushing on to the stage to try and coax panda girl back to full consciousness. She did eventually wake up and seemed more than a bit baffled by the sight of 5000 people cheering and chanting for her to do it again.

If the kids in the video below had seen all of that I'm pretty certain they wouldn't be quite so terrified of the guy in the panda costume. Listen to their screams; that's genuine visceral fear right there!

 

Nice going grandma

There are moments in life when you just feel like the universe is trying to send you a clear message. It's not a subtle thing, like stubbing your toe on a chair as a hint to put some damn shoes on, oh no, it's usually a series of events so blindingly obvious that it would make even the most unaware, aging, egomaniacal has-been stop in her their tracks and have a long hard think about things. Well hopefully anyway,

Madonna's 'MDNA' Suffers Biggest Album Sales Drop of All Time. The pop star's latest CD is expected to drop 88 percent from its debut week when final chart numbers are released.

After a promising start, topping the Billboard 200 in its first week with 359,000 copies sold, Madonna's MDNA is expected to suffer an 88 percent drop in sales to 46,000 according to Forbes. The album's steep decline would set the record for biggest second week drop in history.

Many are questioning whether the option for fans to purchase the album as part of a tour ticket package skewed the initial numbers reported by Billboard Magazine. With 185,000 copies sold as part of this deal, only 179,000 can constitute individual album sales.

Had these been the final numbers reported, the album wouldn't have topped the US charts in its first week after all. Rather, Lionel Richie would have taken the crown for selling 199,000 copies of his latest album, Tuskegee.

So she essentially gave her album away for nothing in it's first week of release and, now that it's gone back to full price (available to download at £9 in the UK but only $5 in the U.S. how's that justifiable?), no one's buying it. All things considered that wasn't a very good plan was it your Madge!? This is actually a big surprise given that she played the Superbowl's half time show a few months ago and has had her weird Give Me All Your Luvin' video played ad nauseam on the 460,711 music channels available on TV these days.

While it might be a bit of a shock it's certainly not a new trend; Pixie Lott's second album has sold really poorly, Duffy's follow up to her debut album (which sold 6.5 million copies worldwide) reached a grand total of 200,000 units shifted and sexy loudmouth wannabe punk Avril Lavigne's last album made about as much money as an Afghani Travel Agency. Still, at least now she can focus on her other career as a director, which got off to such a good start with W.E. that The Guardian was moved to comment that the film was a fantastically wooden drama that moves in a deafening series of clunks; setpieces are agonisingly orchestrated, and Madonna's historical perspective is eccentric. Wow! Such high praise! Someone give this woman a tentpole movie quick!

Source: hollywoodreporter.com

 

I, Snail

Ha ha! Look at you you puny snail, you're so slow and dumb looking, I could just crush you with my shoe...no that would be too easy...instead I'm going to smother you in salt and watch you slowly melt like the wicked witch of the west mwhahahahahaaaa! Wait...where did you get that gun from? No please don't hurt me! NOOO!

The snails trolling around your garden may have a much more sinister plan than simply leaving a trail of slime in their wake.

Scientists have now discovered how to turn the pesky crawlers into self-generating batteries, which can then be used as navigation or tracking devices.

Given their size- and their new role as essentially living batteries- it is very likely that military intelligence operations will use this advancement to gather data in the field. In an experiment run in the labs of Clarkson University in upstate New York, scientists believe they have the first example of sustainable generated electricity from a living creature.

After implanting a battery in the snail, researchers logged the amount of energy that was generated by allowing the snail's blood sugar to 'recharge' the internal battery. Though the amount of electricity generated was not high by any standards- it was still below that of one AAA battery- the researchers plan to increase the energy flow in the coming trials.

They want to up the voltage on a snail? Get ready for a surge in smoked escargot risotto being served in snooty restaurants up and down the land. But the real question here is: of all the things they could turn into cyborgs why snails?! Is it because they were worried that anything equally slow moving but slightly larger could turn into The Terminator or maybe reenact the recent Rise of the Planet Of the Apes remake? Wow, now I have the striking image of a huge group of super smart sloths running rampant on the Golden Gate Bridge before slowing to a halt and taking a nap amongst the wreckage they've caused. If any Hollywood writers are reading this get your hands off my idea, that's pure gold right there.

Source: dailymail.co.uk

 

Who you calling fat motherf#&%er?

Blah blah blah strange statement blah blah blah slightly obscure reference that mirrors the articles theme yadda yadda yadda random bit of abstract British humour blah blah blah question mark followed by quote?

The Hunger Games' sequel has reportedly been put on hold over claims Gary Ross is demanding a fatter paycheque to direct the next installment of Suzanne Collins' lucrative trilogy.

But who cares about a director holding out for more money when this is happening:

Meanwhile, 22-year-old Jennifer Lawrence has hit back at critics who have said she was carrying too much 'lingering baby fat' to accurately portray poverty stricken Katniss Everdeen.

According to the Chicago Sun Times, the actress told a friend: 'First, people say how so many actresses in Hollywood look anorexic, and now they are criticising me for looking normal'.

Fat? This girl isn't fat. She has curves, sexy curves at that, but she certainly isn't fat! She wasn't born with a body like her co-star Elizabeth Banks, who has a tiny frame, she was born with the kind of figure that would have inspired slightly mad and beardy artists from the Renaissance to paint massive murals depicting her as Venus hanging around in a clamshell all nude and voluptuous.

This kind of fat talk used to only happen amongst snidey Hollywood people who just love to slag off their own talent over a salad covered in cilantro (which is just a stupid name for coriander) and internet types who had a hatred for life that bordered on the sociopathic. But now thanks to major corporations, media coverage and governments an entire generation of people are finding out that the old entry and exit rules that used to apply to internet sniping now draw the type of negative attention that only murderers used to get.

If you called someone fat on the internet in the 1990's chances are it was the closest thing that person would get to a compliment all week, nowadays if you call someone fat on Twitter it gets retweeted and picked up on by anyone looking for a story. I highly doubt anyone in their right mind really thinks this girl is fat, it's probably just a throwaway comment that's been focussed on because of the success of The Hunger Games. If they do, I have this highly educational video that may help them change their minds. Blah blah blah, pithy quip with no exclamation point blah blah. Isn't education fun.

Source: metro.co.uk

 

Will they never learn?!

There were a plethora of events last year that spawned huge media coverage but the biggest one of the lot, by a considerable margin, was the News of the World phone hacking scandal.

The scope and reach of the story and it's aftermath were so high profile that they may well have been epoch-making; as a result of the behaviour of various journalists and police officers people are now more suspicious of the press and the wider media than they ever have been at any point in history. So today really isn't the best time for another Rupert Murdoch owned company to own up to more hacking is it?

Sky News authorised a journalist to hack into the emails of back-from-the-dead canoeist John Darwin after ruling the action was in the public interest. The broadcaster said the evidence it discovered was handed to police and used in the successful prosecution of Darwin's wife Anne for insurance and pension fraud.

Former Sky News managing editor Simon Cole agreed that North of England correspondent Gerard Tubb could hack into Darwin's Yahoo! email account. Mr Tubb uncovered messages which cast doubt on Mrs Darwin's claim during her criminal trial that her "domineering" husband forced her to go through with the fraud plan.

In a separate case, Mr Tubb was authorised to access the emails of a suspected paedophile and his wife, although this investigation did not result in any material being published or broadcast.

John Ryley, the head of Sky News, said in a statement: "Sky News is committed to the highest editorial standards. Like other news organisations, we are acutely aware of the tensions that can arise between the law and responsible investigative journalism. On two occasions, we have authorised a journalist to access the email of individuals suspected of criminal activity. In the 2008 case of Anne Darwin, Sky News met with Cleveland Police and provided them with emails offering new information relevant to Mrs Darwin's defence.

"Material provided by Sky News was used in the successful prosecution and the police made clear after the trial that this information was pivotal to the case. We stand by these actions as editorially justified and in the public interest. We do not take such decisions lightly or frequently. They require finely balanced judgment based on individual circumstances and must always be subjected to the proper editorial controls."

In case you got bored of the quote and skipped ahead to my always hilarious and beautifully written summation the gist of what this guy is saying is, "yeah we hacked them, I made some guy do the dirty work to me. I really don't feel too bad about it, we got the job done so who gives a shit?" Put aside the whole working in a bubble thing, that kind of arrogance just makes people hate journalists even more. If you've done something wrong hold your hands up to it and face your punishment, then people can't have any justification for hating you since you have tried to make amends.

It's basic stuff that you learn as a child really, that's what these Ayn Rand like journos need: a bit of angry parental shouting. The only thing is people like this are so blinded to the fact that they have done something wrong that they need a really scary parent figure to drive the message home. Someone wake Thatcher up, give her 3 or 4 Red Bulls and put her in a Hannibal Lector outfit. That should do it.

Source: msn.co.uk

 

Exxon Valdez 2

So 12 hours ago this happened down the road,

A cargo ship has run aground on a beach off north Wales, forcing the dramatic evacuation of seven crew members and leading to fears fuel may be leaking into the sea.

The 269ft-long ship hit a rock in rough seas at Llanddulas, near Colwyn Bay, as Britain was rocked by wintery weather including snow and strong winds.

The ship's crew were loading limestone at a jetty when it hit the rocks in breakwater. Authorities now fear that the ship's fuel tanks, carrying 40,000 litres of fuel, may have ruptured.

Rescuers reported the smell of fuel around the ship, which is lying on a beach in low tide.

You see! North Wales really is an exciting place to live; we have maritime accidents, road closures and, umm...stunning natural beauty perfect for relaxing in. Damn, nearly had you thinking this place was the setting for an Indiana Jones film or something. The best part about having a potentially disastrous news story happen around the corner from me is hearing all the different ill informed versions of events going around on Twitter and in town.

Some people had heard that a whale had washed up on the shore, other people had heard that bounty had started appearing on the beach (largely because I spread that rumour) but my favourite one was the story as described by an 8 year old boy who told his father that the ship was ablaze and only 7 of the 8 man crew had made it out alive, the last one had apparently met his demise in a ship shaped coffin that then sunk to the murky depths. Isn't a child's imagination a wonderous thing!

Source: huffingtonpost.co.uk

 

Marky Mark or John Cena?

Mark Wahlberg has always been a fan of working out and being in shape, even back when he was a terrible rapper he enjoyed the company of weights and exercise machines a little too much for my liking. As you may already know I'm always suspicious of people who work out too much, it's like they believe that lifting 250lbs and screaming "FEEL THE BURN!!!!" while you nearly poo yourself from exertion is the perfect way to scare off the Grim Reaper.

Anyway back to Mr. Wahlberg over there, the reason he is more overcompensatingly massive than usual is because he's making a film about bodybuilding (yawn) called 'Pain and Gain' and he's clearly been working out for, like, 4 years non stop to get that big naturally. Amazing really.

On a totally separate and unrelated note HGH and Steroids abuse (which, according to Vanity Fair, is rampant in Hollywood, mainly with big name actors who need to get larger quickly for big money roles) can lead to the shrunken balls, Gynecomastia (a pretty word for pert man boobs), high blood pressure and cholesterol, 'roid rage and, finally, liver and heart failure. So don't do steroids or HGH people, be like Mark Wahlberg and work out naturally. He's such a role model.

Image Source: fame

 

Total Reboot

"Get your ass to Mars...get your ass to Mars...get your ass to Mars" I heared that looped line so many times that it began to sound like Arnie was saying, "Get your ass some moss" as if he decided that hiding in an abandoned building from hired killers was the perfect time to dish out natural bum wiping techniques.

As you can tell Total Recall was one of my favourite brain dead action films growing up. Was I 18 when I first watched it? No, I was probably about 11 or 12, but at that point I'd already seen Jaws and Aliens so the sight of people choking to death and their eyes popping out of their heads was all very vanilla. Now, a woman with 3 tits...that was new!

But, as the years have gone by and thanks to the Bourne/Bond/Dark Knight films, action flicks have become smarter and less...well...lumbering (sorry Arnie, but you aren't exactly graceful) than they were and people seem to have forgotten all about the bombastic and extremely gory action films of the 80's and early 90's.

Until now that is! Because now we get to see legendary hell raising, hard partying, shag anything with a pulse and a pair of boobs and punch everything else that moves out, sometimes actor Colin Farrell take on the role of Quaid/Hauser. That means that he will be more believable in the role than Arnie was but less capable of breaking necks with his bare hands. Oh and Kate Beckinsale's playing his gorgeous but deadly fake wife. Now I REALLY need to see this film; it'll be like that Sexiest Woman Alive video she did only with Colin Farrell killing people. I'm sold!

 

 

Henson has the Cardiff Blues

It's so rare that I get to do an interesting story about something or someone Welsh! I usually have to wait for a member of The Village People to buy a house in Newport or some dumbass to park a 4X4 at the top of Snowdon, but this time a former Welsh sporting icon has gone and blown it big time and provided me with the kind of material that usually only comes around once a month! Yippee!

Rugby player and reality TV star Gavin Henson has been sacked by the Cardiff Blues over drunken antics on a plane - and banned from using the airline.

The father of Charlotte Church's two children was dismissed by the club following his behaviour on a flight back from Glasgow on Saturday morning.

Blues Chief Exec Richard Holland said in a statement: "The Cardiff Blues management have discussed the matter at length but have acted swiftly since the incident occurred on Saturday morning. We have a duty to our supporters and sponsors to protect the good name of Cardiff Blues and those associated with our brand."

A Flybe spokesman said: "The safety of our passengers and staff is Flybe's number one priority and, as such, the airline has a zero tolerance attitude to unruly behaviour on board our aircraft."

While the line about "safety of our passengers" is a bit strong in reference to what he did (flicked ice cubes at people while laughing out loud and generally acting like a pisshead) it is, nevertheless, unfathomable that a guy who quit Saracens after making just 4 appearances and who was then fired by Toulon for fighting with his teammates would be dumb enough to get liquored up the night after and on the way back from a major game.

I honestly think that people deserve second and even third chances in life (which they often don't get in this country) but this guy has probably reached his limit of dice rolls. Even in a line of work where people can do terrible things repeatedly and still get offered huge sums of money he might have blown it completely by behaving like Ric Flair on a company flight this time. Now, if he'd been smart enough to do something quite funny like driving a golf cart the wrong way down a motorway while hammered and half naked he might have worked his way back into our hearts!

Source: news.sky.com

 
Because there's more to life than hyperbole, picking sides and releasing a new phone that looks more like a surf board than means of communication
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